Ivory & Gold
by AmelyShine
Summary: This novel starts from the Death of Glitter concert, when Curt performs "Gimme Danger" and Brian is there. This is what I would like to happen if Brian, instead of leaving, had gone for him and told him he wants him back. It will be a lot of sex, love, and couple's stuff. I'm writing this for fun, but I'd love to know what you think so I can work harder.
1. Rush & Tears

**Disclaimer:**  
**I do not own this characters, they're from a Todd Haynes' movie called Velvet Goldmine"**

**Warning**  
**It involves almost-sexual graphic scenes and a little bit of sex language.**

**Author Note #1:**  
**I apologize for any grammatical mistakes- English isn't my first language so I'm working with a beta reader.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter One: Rush & Tears**

* * *

Water-coloured eyes framed on black eyeliner.

They're capable of transmitting the wildest look and still, don't lose that innocent charm.

This blonde creature, is Wild. Curt Wild. The name could not reflect his personality better: Wild. Savage. Like a caged animal in heat. Like the felines, dangerous, but with an innate beauty, seductively indomitable. That's Curt.

Curt, who is now caressing my back and stroking the rest of my body furiously. And I get lost. Bloody hell, I get _so_ lost.

Here he is. In front of me. Like he used to do, he seduces me by running his hands up and down my body- making me feel dizzy. There's magic and inertia in each one of his moves. And he won't stop, he can't. It's his nature- I know him.

If I did not currently have this dilemma, right now I could be collapsing of pleasure.

So here it is- my dilemma: I can't allow him to do this. Even though I'm completely devoted to him from now on- I'm not really sure if I should let him know so early. This is the first time I've seen him since our break up. This isn't how it should be, is it?

Is it right to be completely in love? Not knowing what the hell he thinks about and trying to get passed over the last months with something as trivial as "Make-up sex"? I can assure this would be sex, but…_make-up_ sex?

Who could really _assure_ me _this _means we're back together?

No one, because we're probably not... Should I let him know how I feel? How badly I want him back? Besides, this may be just an 'I'm really horny with my ex moment' to him...

These thoughts are suddenly silenced by his breathless voice- I have to admit, irresistible like nothing else.

I also have to admit that I've missed him, so much...

"Goddamn it, Brian," he moans stroking me under my black coat, while I bite my lips so hard it's starting to hurt. Struggling for my big hat- that I wear to disguise myself, not to fall.

I'm weak. This isn't the way I want to face things, but it's actually hard to resist... Still, I'm serious about my previous thoughts- I should stop him, I guess…

"Cut it out," I hiss.

I am _such_ a liar.

My whole being is desperately wanting this, but I can't show him. So I suddenly push him away, and look down the floor. The truth is that if anyone could see my eyes now, my dilated pupils would totally betray me.

I remain quiet- I can barely breathe. Struggling to keep my dignity- which is only enticing Curt even more.

He has those bedroom eyes, raising both eyebrows- slightly smiling. Which doesn't really help to my 'Let's be serious about this.' purpose.

"Horny, my fairy boy?"

Jesus I know what he's doing. He's playing with my eagerness, I know him,_ he_ knows _me_. Why in Hell did I open myself so much that he could know my weak points?

I narrow my eyes, offended.

"Fuck off! Don't call me that! You are not so manly wanting to fuck a q..." I trail off.

"To fuck a…? What, Brian? Say it- say what you are…"

Again- I try to resist. We all know how this is going to end up, though- right? I'm not precisely...hard to get.

_If you leave, I swear to God I will murder you. _My inner voice warns me.

He sighs, acting indifferent. Bastard- I _know _this little game of his, and even so, I keep playing along.

"Okay, you're just a fucked up drama _queen." _A wicked grin crosses his face. "And a little…"

Please don't.

"Anxious…"

Jesus.

He parts just enough to drown me into those transparent eyes. Then stares at my mouth. I gulp.

His shapely body is now so close is driving me insane. He whispers gravely in my ear... God, give me a break- this is _not_ fair.

I have to do something, I'm not that easy!

_Convincing yourself you're not- it's definitely not going to work, you pathetic hopeless moron. Go ahead, talk like nothing is going on and you hopefully will get a great laugh of how bad liar you are._

I can't think straight with all these voices. Demon's voice. _Curt_'s voice. I lose track of everything, and the words slips from my mouth.

"You think you can talk to me _that_ way, like_ nothing_ happened?!"

Where the hell did _that _come from?

He backs away just a little, but it's enough to still drown me into those transparent eyes.

He stares at me, speechless, slightly wounded. I guess he never knew this was serious, that I'm here to talk about us.

It was a major rush that got us here.

I _really _want to talk to him, discuss our feelings- to know if he's still having them.

But then I saw him...

* * *

Long, messy, blindingly-blond hair all over his precious face. His incredibly well-shaped body- not too built, though- just how I like it. The sweat making his chest glow...

He was leaving the stage when I got there- lighting a cigarette, and going outside the building's back doors. I called his name and he stopped, shocked.

Dropped the cigarette without notice, and kept his lips parted for a while.

Silent seconds, minutes. It felt like forever.

I wanted to tell him I want him back, tell him how much I've missed him and how sorry I am that I've made the worst mistake of my entire life. I wanted to know if he could forgive me- I was _dying_ to know.

But my bloody mouth couldn't move, and the words got stuck in my throat, choking me.

Mercifully, he spoke first.

"What the _fuck_ you think you're you doing here?"

I knew it in that very instant, he can't forgive me. But at least I'm trying, right? He just left!

_Well, yes- but that's only because you choose your career over your love, you selfish prick._

But he should know I had no choice! I couldn't stop the bloody tour for his whims, I tried, though! I yell back at myself.

_Does it really matter, Brian? There's nothing you can do now._

And he's right- I have lost him. I have lost the love of my life.

"Curt..." I tried to speak, even knowing he wouldn't listen. I tried to say something, tried to explain, but he had already quickened his pace- away from me of course- yelling while his voice faded into the night.

"Don't you fucking bullshit me! Get lost!"

For a moment, I just stood there. I couldn't move, I was shocked of hearing his voice again. Husky, always low even when he's shouting. It brought me back so many memories...

I ran to reach him, and grabbed his arm.

"I need to talk to you!" I shouted desperately- but he pushed me away and looked me dead in the eye. It's hard to stare at such clear feelings- he's transparent. The anger in his eyes burned me.

"We're _not_ fucking talking about this. What we had? It's _gone- _get it? _Dead._"

My heart raced- it was about to burst of my chest...

_Last chance._ My inner voice reminded me.

"I TRIED TO QUIT!" I shouted. That was the last defense I had...so I stood there and just sobbed- I couldn't help it.

He approached, and whispered to me. "Don't be a fucking pussy...you don't need to cry, Brian... Shit." His eyes watered slightly. "What do you mean you tried to quit?" he asked while looking at me completely confused- still angry. Then he lit up another cigarette and took a short drag.

"I did!" I nodded desperately, and grabbed him by his shoulders. He looked at my hands in discomfort, but didn't push me away."After you left, I called Jerry... and told him I wanted to quit. But my bloody contract retained me… I wanted-" I released him, and looked down to the floor "-I did... I..."

I wanted to hold him so much. Feel his heat, hear his heartbeats. I wanted to sob in his shoulder and hear some warm words from his beautiful thin lips, rubbing softly in my ear- and feel relief.

Instead, I felt so weak and unprotected...

"You called him?" He moved closer to me. I shivered.

"I did," I said while biting my nails.

"I had no fucking idea." He looked away and took another drag. I remember his foot couldn't stop moving, he was completely jittery.

"I know."

He looked at me intently, and moved even closer. Then took a deep breath, shut his eyes and quickly opened them, looking at me again with his big blue-slightly-green eyes.

Then it came. That sudden rush that got us here.

He dropped his cigarette -this time intentionally- and grabbed my waist, making me feel the heat of his precious body. I just stopped thinking. I didn't know what the hell I was going to say or do.

All I could think about was how warm his breath felt on my neck, his breathing quickening in pace while he touched and squeezed me constantly like that mad man I once knew.

I couldn't help but follow him. He have gotten what he wanted, I was completely lost in him. In pure delight, rubbing my hands all over his nude chest, feeling how the sweat made my hands slide down to his waist- then pressing him against me even more. It wasn't enough- It's Curt Wild for God's sake, it's _never _enough.

Then all happened, and here we are.

* * *

I just said the stupidest thing I could have said _(You think you can talk to me that way, like nothing happened?!) _I mean, I was here to win him back- why in hell did I react like that? Am I afraid?

_This won't help, Brian- just so you know. _Shut up, Demon!

Curt seems madly confused- I feel his anger growing inside of him. Oh my dear Lord, what did I do?

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

He's right. Everything was totally lost. Then, I told him what happened, and he actually _listened_, and then he _kissed _me! And then?! _Me_ and my bloody stupid baseless pride stopped him, just when things were going well, at least for him.

Or this is my paranoia's masterpiece? _'Let's think he didn't listen, let's pretend he just wants to shag you and he didn't care about anything that you said, even though he was about to leave before you said it! But it doesn't matter, does it? You should just make him feel guilty because you can't _stand that it is _your_ fault._ So, let's hurt him.'_

Brilliant.

"I am right, Curt! You just want to go for meaningless sex- even after I just told you how bad I felt, you still just wanted my body!" I shouted while taking my hat off and gesturing with it.

What the hell am I doing? I need to _stop._

He's listening carefully, and I can notice how the deep blue of his eyes is slowly fading- while he's coming at me... and his fingers are curling into a fist as he raises it... Jesus Christ he _is_ about to punch me. But he doesn't.

"What the fuck, Brian?!"

"I don't want this! I don't want bloody sex!" I move close to him "I want _you,_" I say while pointing at his chest. "I want you _back_ and...I'm really sorry." I back and look away. "I don't know what I'm saying...I can't _think-_" I run a hand through my blue hair, staring at him "-all I know is that I want you back..."

Curt is completely confused and furious. So he suddenly kicks a trash can, and then I remember...

_That_ behaviour, that's what he did- that's why he left.

Curt throws his hands in the air in exasperation."You don't know _what _the fuck you want!"

"Could you please calm down? That's the kind of thing that lead us to break up!" My voice is unsteady.

I approach him carefully, but he grabs me by the shirt and shoves me against the wall- and it really hurts.

"Don't you tell _me _to calm down! You came here with all your 'I'm sorry' shit and when I believe you like a motherfucker, you tell me_ I'm _the fucked up one here?" he snaps looking at me up and down with disgust. I feel so ashamed.

I'm shivering, my voice trembles- I'm genuinely scared. His hand is still grabbing my shirt and I don't how the hell to remove it from there even if that's what I'm craving most. I shut my eyes and bite my lips, nervously- breathless.

"Y-Y-You're right..." I stammer. "I won't- I won't talk anymore." My voice is so tiny.

Somebody kill me, please.

"What the hell is this, huh? Are you fucking _playing _with me?" he asks, pushing me harder into the wall. He's always been surprisingly strong, it's really hurting me. The situation...the dark alley...the sudden violence... a small tear rolls down my face- I'm scared to death.

"Of course not...C-Curt...l-listen you're-"

"_Listen_ to you? Jesus, man! Make up your fucking mind! You just told me you wouldn't talk!" He steps away, looking at me and shaking his head in disbelief. "I don't know what I'm still doing here..." And he walks away.

"Curt! Please!" I chase him.

"Brian, leave me alone for fuck's sake...this is completely broken."

"No, it's not! We can…we can make it work."

I _can't_ let him go, not again.

"You know it can't be."

"Why not?"

Curt smiles, and it's that you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me smile. I hate it.

He lowers his head, shoving another cigarette between his lips. I can see he's going to waste the whole packet. Then he speaks, holding it with his mouth, and trying to light it up. One hand holds the lighter, and the other one keeps the flame safe from the cold wind.

"Because it's too damn hard." He stares at me, I can sense how his anger turns into sadness. "We're done- get over it."

"But I love you!"

Oh no. Oh no no _no no no_!

Curt's eyes are now huge. I can see the sparkle of his glance, even in the night darkness.

"You _what_?" There goes another cigarette.

He can't know! He _shouldn't_ know!

"Uhhm...nothing..." I smile nervously "-it's just...I-I don't..." I bite my nails and smile again. "I do-I mean..." I'm so nervous- Christ, I'm going to throw up.

"Did you just say you _love_ me?"

He can't believe it. How is that possible? Alright, maybe it_ is_ too soon, but what about his words? (_The world is changed because you're made of ivory and gold...) _One does not quote Oscar Wild for nothing, right? Wasn't _that_ love? Maybe it is, we're not discussing _his_ love, we're discussing _mine_, so... Does he loves me?

"Do _you_?"

"Don't do that- answer the fucking question, Brian!"

I look at him straight in the eye, pressing him with my body against the wall- and lean to speak on his lips, nose to nose.

"I do love you. Do _you_?" I raise both eyebrows.

Curt freezes. Lips parted, lost eyes. A small tear slides down his face.

I knew it- he loves me. _He loves me!_

"Curt?"

"What?"

"Do you love me?" I whisper in his ear.

He answers immediately.

"No." His breath against my neck feels delicious- warm and delicious. This is such an intimate moment for us...

I know he's lying. I smile shyly, as a smooth breeze of relief flows through my body.

"Curt..." I whisper again.

"I don't." I back away a little- he looks like a child. It's so cute, albeit heartbreaking.

"I know you do..."

"How?"

I grin hugely. A small laugh escapes from my mouth.

"You just said it."

"When?"

I grin and talk sweetly, raising a hand to caress his cheek. Then stare at his watered eyes- just one tear, removing his makeup.

"Just now, you asked me 'how'. It means I'm right... Doesn't it?"

"No."

I'm beginning to believe him... I'll just ask one more time.

"Curt...do you-"

And he interrupts me, suddenly hugging me in an almost suffocating way. I am about to explode of happiness when I hear him sobbing in my neck.

"I'm so sorry, Brian- I'm so fucking sorry..." he mumbles, crying like a child. I caress his hair and hold him- I don't know what is happening anymore.

"Shh... " I hold him harder. He's smooth, thin and beautiful. I caress his back. "That's alright...there's nothing to be sorry about..."

He barely parts from me, and I can see that the tears have stained his cheeks with the eyeliner. His nose is red and his hair is plastered to his face. He's still stunningly beautiful.

"Yeah, there is." He wipes up his nose with his hand. "You were right- I was acting like nothing happened and I can't toy with you like I did. I was just...afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

I dry his tears. He's _talking _to me. I'm winning him back- I'm _actually_ winning him back.

"Of you."

Or maybe not.

"Afraid of me?"

"Afraid of us." He backs away. "You gotta understand- you came here and shook my whole world. I thought I would never see you again, y'know? Ever! And you just appeared from nowhere saying you wanted to talk to me and shit, and I tried to keep myself angry because we both know it's _my _fucking fault," he says gesturing. "And then... I _had_ to kiss you when you told me you tried to quit - which is amazing Brian you shouldn't have done it, and then I was scared to death of getting back together so I just acted like a motherfucker to mislead you, and it didn't work... So I just freaked. And you were saying horrible things and I-"

"I'm sorry."

He's not listening.

"-got mad for real and just wanted to get the fuck out of here and I dunno' like… disappear or something, and then you told me you love me, which is totally unreal, and I just broke-"

"Curt-"

"-and I'm sorry-"

I grin warmly.

"Cur-"

"-and I _do _love you." He lowers his head, and then looks up to me, smiling shyly.

My heart melts...I can't help but bring those beautiful thin lips to mine.

His mouth is the smoothest that I have ever tasted. I almost didn't remember how warm, wet and exciting it felt kissing him... It feels like heaven.

"I know. Let's go, honey."

He laughs- it's the most marvelous sound.

"What's that _honey_ shit? I'm not some fucking chick."

I grin. He's back. "Do you want me to stop it?"

"No..."

Jesus I want to hug him so hard.

"I liked it anyway. Let's go, Demon."

_Did he just called me...?_

"Are you sure you want to call me like that?" I laugh.

"I dunno- sounds hot, right?"

My laugh gets stuck in my throat- there's something that's really starting to get to me... He's toying with me again, and I'm not going to stop him this time.

"It does…" I look at him .He's topless, so I can appreciate his build up body- that ungodly flat stomach...Wait a minute, he's topless! It's the middle of the winter! He will freeze to death!

"Curt! Where's your coat?"

He laughs about the suddenly change of subject.

"What?"

"Your coat! You'll die- it's winter!"

"Oh, I don't know… I must have left it inside."

I move close and hold him- rub my hands against each other and then against his arms, trying to warm him up.

He smiles with tenderness.

"Oh my- you shouldn't."

"Shh..." I say while I take my coat off, and cover him with it. "I don't want you to catch a cold."

He looks at me smiling hugely.

"What about you?"

"I'm good- my heart is warm, so do I."

"You're a fucking gentleman," he says burying his head in my neck and kissing it. I shiver, and hold him as hard as I can.

We walk a couple of blocks, embraced- silent but enormously happy. We can't stop looking at each other and giggling like fools.

I can't believe he's mine again- I'm definitely the happiest man on earth...

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**Author Note #2:**

**Please tell me what you think. It's what keeps me going.**

**Translation: Please, PLEASE review.**

**Please? :)**


	2. My Chance

**Warning:  
This chapter contains graphical almost-sex scenes and sex language.**

**Author's Note #1**

**So! Finally I'm here! This chapter goes dedicated to my two official readers: deadcurrents and Mychelle in Wonderland. Thank you so much you guys for reading it! :D  
I'm sorry it's taking me this loong! I write really fast but I need my beta reader opinion to make myself sure everything's ok.**

**I want to specially thank my beta reader (Orlha Chloe), she's absolutely the best I could ever found. Thank you so much for your dedication and patience. You're awesome :)**  
**I added some little part up to the original chapter that I didn't review so It probably has some mistakes. Sorry for that.**

**This chapter was supposed to be longer but I'm still working with the last part so I'll just make it the three one :) So that's why it's so short compared to the last one.**

**Enjoy! :D**

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**Chapter Two: My Chance**

* * *

So... Here we are. Embraced, kissing, feeling each other's heat. Trying to believe we won't be apart, ever again.

It's freezing. And all I want is to lay down with Curt and feel he's mine again- and he'll always be.

I call a taxi.

"You first," I say opening the taxi's door for him.

He laughs. "Oh, shut the fuck up!"

"I mean it," I grin, lending my hand in gesture for him to pop in. He looks in disbelief and smiles.

Oh, that smile…

"Jesus, I feel like a fucking queen." He sits into the taxi "And you're the one, here." He smiles again, this time naughtily. I can't do anything. We're already inside the cab, and the driver shouldn't know we're a pair of queers. I tell him my address and the car starts.

Curt bites his bottom lip and looks at me.

I module a 'Stop!' silently with my mouth. He smiles like a devil and shakes his head- then looks at the driver quickly to make sure he's not looking. Then at me. Next thing, he shut his eyes and leads his head back while he's biting his lips in an unbearable erotic manner. I grab the leather of the seat, struggling not to react. He can't help smiling- he's playing with me, and he's winning.

But, this particular moment aside- I just can't believe it. Curt is _with me_, we're going to _my_ place, he loves me, I love him- there's nothing in this world that I want more than him, and he's _mine_. He bites his bottom lip, trying not to kiss me, giving me these bedroom eyes that quicken my breath.

My life is unbelievably perfect.  
**  
**Ten minutes later, we have calmed down and talk loosely about random things. I don't hear any of the words that come from my mouth- I forget them as soon as they leave my lips. I'm too distracted by his beauty to care about anything else.

I laugh, amused. "You Americans don't know how to use our language properly!"  
**  
**He looks jovial and cheerful-he's such an angel.  
**  
**"Fuck off! Don't you come to me with that BBC bullshit, you guys got a fucking dictionary under your arms- it's sick! All fancy- you're talking you're not giving a motherfucking speech."  
**  
**Well, angels don't talk like that…I guess.

"You should always speak properly."  
**  
**The taxi stops- I pay for it. We arrive home and immediately go upstairs. **  
**He's running like a beautiful child, and suddenly drags me with his eyes into the bedroom.

When we're finally there, his eyes reveals a smouldering look. Then they land on my mouth, and he studies my lips as I lick them. His fingers are now caressing my waist, softly taking me by it- pulling my body close, just as much to rub his lips against mines. And it's_ just_ then that he licks them, making me purposely feel the wetness of his tongue- he's a devil.  
**  
**Here's one more thing I love about him- even if he has an amazingly well-shaped exquisite body, he's hotter dressed up. Why, you ask?  
**  
**Because he ravishes you with his eyes- there's nothing explicit, and that way, he plays with your mind until it explodes. And when it does, your body is about to as well...  
**  
**One of his hands is now travelling down my chest with those black painted nails. There's a real charm in this detail, especially if those are the same fingers that are touching you in such an slow antagonisingly manner while looking at you. My brain is drowning.

My body shudders like it never has before... And we had got _so _many moments of this nature. But this is different... this is remembering every detail and have forgotten it all as well.

Let me explain. It's the perfect point between the excitement that it is to share intimacy with a new person, and the incredible feeling of recognising every single thing of the one you truly love. Is knowing where to touch, and how... And how he will react. But at the same time, there's the rush of wondering, as though you never were there.

Because of this, my heart races so fast that I'm kind of worried about having a bloody heart attack.

"Not always," he offers, staring at me with those beautiful big blue eyes.  
**  
**"W-what?" My voice trembles. I can't think.  
**  
**"The proper language shit." He bites his bottom lip and shut his eyes, taking a sharp breath, and then focuses his blue gaze on me again. "You don't always have to talk like that…"  
**  
**I need a break from those eyes… I'm starting to remember the first time I saw him, on that stage. His eyes glowed with glitter and sex. It was hypnotizing. And now, the same look is now focused on me.

He's practically undressing my soul.  
**  
**Suddenly he talks, with that half-whispering voice that makes my knees buckle.

"You don't speak properly...if you are in the middle of-" He lick his lips. Turning me on is turning him on as well- he can't handle it anymore. Neither can I."-dirty talk...do you?"  
**  
**I gulp hard. Jesus Christ. I don't know what the hell to say. I don't care about the bloody language thing- I want him _so_ badly that my vision is blurred. In fact, I'm getting a little dizzy.

Don't ask me what the hell Curt just said-I'm only imagining his impending orgasm and hearing it inside my head.  
**  
**"Talk to me, Brian," he orders, ravishing me with those glowing-with-lust eyes.

"Uh..I-I... I d-don't know what to say." I stammer, nervously running a hand across the back of my neck. I've said it before, and I'll say it again- _I can't think_.

Normally I wouldn't find difficult to talk dirty at all. It's just his attitude- as though he knows that he has power over me- that makes me feel so shy. Besides, I'm way too aroused to form a sentence.

"I don't give a shit. Just talk." He's struggling not to shut his eyes, trying not to feel that overwhelming heat or at least trying- in vain of course- to hide it from me.

His lips lean to softly rub my ear- you would think it would be easier to take than that demonic look, but it's _not_.  
**  
**"You got the most full lips I've ever seen... I'd kill for a blowjob from those..."

You've already seen these lips! Why the sudden rush with them? Do you see what I'm talking about?  
**  
**Just when my knees are trembling not to bend down- the blond sexual bastard speaks.

"Now you try it."

You can't do this to me... How am I supposed to think anything if you're confusing my conscience to the point that I'm losing my common sense?

_How?_ How is it possible that one simple human being without undressing, without making you feel the heat of his body- _barely touching you- _could generate stronger sensations than the best-fuck's ones you've ever had in your bloody life?

Is that what they call chemistry?

Or maybe it's the fact that it feels new again... And the worst thing is that _knowing_ him as I do, I know that he doesn't fake- it's his innate nature. It isn't make up or staging like my sexiness- it's his deepest instincts, those that he never managed to control- he never learned how.

If only you could see him now... His fingers are crossing all over my body- his mouth half open, and that look- it will never be a sin to mention his eyes- it's voracious, as though I were some prey that he's decided to shatter in just a few seconds.

So this is my question:

If he's so animal and instinctive, how does he manage to keep asking me bloody questions with the only purpose of increasing his arousal fog?

And then- how can a simple mortal remain calm when faced with such a perfect mix of animal ferocity and self-control?

Maxwell Demon may have been born on some distant galaxy- he may be from another world but not even _he _could stand it.

_Indeed._

I can hear his breath as if I were inside of him…– which I'm craving to death, maybe reverse- and counting the seconds that this time-bomb has left until it explodes. _How_, Curt Wild?

_How_, my beautifully torturing creature? How in hell am I supposed to seduce _you_?

Obviously, he has no idea what I'm thinking- and all this time that I'm spending questioning myself is only making him more anxious. He holds his breath, stares at my mouth, and begins to run a finger over my bottom lip very slowly.  
**  
**A few seconds later- while I'm completely _shaky-_ he speaks again.

"Why aren't you fucking talking, huh?" he says impatiently, and his voice sounds like an hoarse growl.

"Stop- I can't do it."

"Why not?" One of his fingers is now sliding into my mouth. Naturally, I grab it with my lips.

I can read his don't-you-dare eyes. This is what I was waiting for- this is my chance.

* * *

**Author's note #2**

**Brian's alter ego it's appearing on what it was going to be the second part of the chapter. So, I didn't forget him, you'll see it in the next one :)**

**Please review! :)**


	3. Crashing Waves

**Warning**

**It involves ****_explicit_**** sexual language and graphic scenes.**

**Author's note#1**

**So, here it is! The expected chapter in which there's no more anxious and eagerly stuff, but absolutely explicit one so you should know it before reading it xD  
This chapter isn't edited by my beta, so I had to find a friend who helped me with it.  
Liyonah, thank you a ton!**

**I'm new in sex graphic scenes stuff in English, so please don't be so critical :)**

**This is also dedicated to my official readers (Thank you thank you thank you)  
I just noticed I got a new one! Well, I don't know you cuz you didn't review but thank you so much for following me and my story :)**

**Enjoy! :D**

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**Chapter three: Crashing Waves**

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So, let me refresh you my current condition.  
**  
**Curt Wild has my body pretty much pressed against his. One of his hands is softly holding my waist under my shirt. He has taken off my coat of his body, and now the thin cotton is the only thing that deprives me of his nude torso.

As you might remember, I've just made _my _move. Which is taking his finger between my lips, pretending that this is his... well...you know...

Very slowly, I slide Curt's finger deep in my mouth while I'm admiring the marvelous reaction I have in front of me. Those translucent eyes are rapidly covered by his heavy lids.

His lips are imprisoned between his teeth. He's rapt.

My moves are purposely provoking, but it's only fair. I mean, he's been seducing me since I reached him- and this is something I'm naturally developed to do right. And by right I mean I'm good, _really_ good.

He's trying as hard as he can to keep his eyes open, to see the private show I'm performing- while he licks and re-licks his lips, looking at me with that rage- that delicious rage you feel when someone is controlling your senses as though you were a puppet.

My tongue is deliberately playing all around his finger, zigzagging on the middle of it.

"_Fuck_," he mutters breathily, scratching my skin.

"Something wrong?" I ask in a mock tone.

"Shut up."

I grin, still holding his finger.

"Didn't you want me to talk?" I point out, and then suck his finger in as much as I can.

"Holy-" he tries to say with that hoarse voice. But he doesn't release me or push me away. So...

He's panting softly, and you can't even begin to imagine how delicious it sounds. And those eyes...completely shut? You could picture the blue behind his lids. So deep and glittering- even in this aroused state I can remember them.

It's unintelligible, how beautiful he is- I'm trying not to fall under his spell.

"What's going on?" I tease him.

"You're giving my finger a blowjob." I gulp hard. "That's what's going on..."

Dear Lord. Those words. How is he capable of being so bloody explicit? I really have to learn how he does that.

_Do not get distracted! Go on, Brian._

"Do you like it, baby?" Oh, I shouldn't have said that. It sounded so cliché.

He looks at me, lips parted.

"You gotta be kidding me, man."

I know, I ruined it.

He stares at me, his storm-coloured eyes are penetrating.

"I'm dying here..."

So he likes it...

"Are you, sweetheart?"

"_Brian_," he mutters semi-annoyed, and then he looks away.

"Mmm?" His finger is still a victim of my playful tongue.

"Shut the fuck up."

He's falling for it, I can sense it.

"Why, honey?" I rub my lips horizontally in his finger, while staring at his eyes in a fake-innocence look.

"It's really-" He leans his head backwards, shutting his eyes and biting his lips. "I can't even say a damn word." He looks at me, and he's so bloody close... "It's really getting me…Brian. Stop it."

Shouldn't it be 'Getting _to_ me'?

"Getting you?"

"It's getting me rock hard."

That was the purpose... still... _Holy Jesus. _Nasty talk is such a turn-on for me... But well, speaking of him- what isn't ?

And then, in middle of these thoughts- I roll my eyes down and see it. That mouth-watering protuberance under his zipper...

"Can I help you with..." I drop his finger and keel on the floor. Then look up to him, and stroke his boner while my lips remain parted "This...?" I smile naughtily.

Curt desperately starts to unzip himself and begins to pull his silver-plated pants down- belt too. He's shaking.

He grabs my hair so hard it hurts- but I don't bloody care. I'm just waiting for that moment.

"You're gonna regret it, Demon," he blurts, his voice is unbelievably breathy.

_There he is, calling me again! Let me do it_.

Ha! Stop dreaming, gravity captain.

In the middle of this rush, he pushes me roughly onto his crotch- making me suck that exquisite, warm cock that is now melting between my voracious mouth.

I wrap my hand around it and begin to squeeze it up and down in a gentle rhythm as I blow it. He's moaning softly, as he instinctively starts to move his hips and adjust them to my pace.

Son of a bitch.

By now, you should know I'm faking- I'm not capable to remain myself so calm and tranquil- I'm _dying_.

Every Curt's moves and words feels like an electroshock... Jesus... I'm so aroused I'm gonna pass out...My breath is insanely racing, my body melts down- as I'm consumed by a distortion feeling that doesn't let me think straight. I don't even know where or who the hell I am, but I couldn't care less.

I'm _drowning_ from just hearing him.

His sweat is going all down in form of an exquisite drop that is now falling at the top of my nose. I keep focused on my labor. Bobbing my head slowly, playing with my tongue in circles around his flesh, pressing the tip between my lips and then taking it all into my mouth. Smelling it, tasting it, _enjoying_ it. He's now groaning loudly with impatience.

Meanwhile, I moan with his cock hardly pressed between my lips- purposely to make it vibrate, non-stopping for blowing him.

And I moan again, this time without blowing.

"You can't- OH _FUCK!_"

I look up to him on the floor- mouth full (Not as much as his with that language, though) While he speaks exasperatingly.

"_Keep going_, you _motherfucker._ Come on, Demon... _Suck me_." He bites his lips and leads his head down while running his hand all over my hair. Grabbing it.

_Jesus Christ! Do you want me to take care of this? You're boring him._

Shut up! I'm just making him anxious, so he will enjoy most when I get to that point.

_Don't be a such a moron._

I said shut up!

_Fine. Let me know as soon as he comes, in like… one hundred years?_

Shut the_ fuck_ up!

Bleeding Christ...I want to eat him _all_. Every single part of him.

I want to bite his nipples and lick his sweat, and kiss him until I bruise his lips. But he's not gonna let me.

If I can't devour him, I want him inside of me- _now_. I'm not gonna be able to bear with it much longer... Another moan and I'm done- I know it. Come on, Curt! Fuck me, you beautiful sex beast...

He's right on the edge- I can sense the salty taste of his pre-ejaculating ooze in my mouth.

I back off- he's completely lost.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing?" he asks, breathily.

I stand up, and use my better whore-look while whispering with my deepest voice, taking my shirt off- button by button while staring at his eyes with a satanic look. I lean to his lips, fingers still on the shirt.

"_Fuck me._"

And the exquisite blond is gone, grabbing me by my waist and turning me around- he tries to down my trousers but the bloody button is getting in the way.

"_How in hell do you unbutton this shit_?" he asks quickly, impatient.

I try to do it, but I'm so bloody aroused I can't concentrate. Not so easy if you have a beautiful nasty rock star who keeps talking in that ungodly sex voice in your ear.

"_Hurry the fuck up_."

"Jesus, Curt- _shut up_! I can't do it if you keep talking like that," I say under my breath.

"Fuck it." And he_ rips_ the button...and finally gets rid of my pants. Then throws me onto the bed- kneels in the mattress and spit in his hand, rubbing the saliva all over my behind. Ten seconds of painful expectation later, he plugs me inward- _completely._

Suddenly the most deep, rough, and unimaginable warm assault, is making me see the bloody stars.

It does hurt, but as soon as he starts to move inside, the pleasure totally gets over the pain.

The slivery feeling of his smooth warm flesh entering in my body...the exciting thought of knowing that Curt fucking Wild is _inside_ me. Knowing he's not acting in that obscene sexual manner for an audience, but just for _me_...

Can you even imagine how unbelievably mind-blowing is knowing that your platonic love, the starring role of your wet dreams is not only as impatient and hungry and _sexual_ as you pictured it, but even _better?_ Jesus, he's a _god._

_You're being fucked by the real Curt Wild._ I think every time. _You're not dreaming._

The same Curt Wild that is now breaking through my body- in and out... _In_ and out...

I cry out his name trying to find relief of this overwhelming pleasure he's subjecting me to._ Begging_ him to stop. Well, that's just acting, really- I wouldn't ask him to stop for real in a million years.

"_Shut up, Demon_."

He thrusts inward yet again. But the motion becomes faster, _harder._

_I'm not saying a bloody word. That's you Brian- shut up. All that noise is making you sound cheap._

I'm not all together to talk to you now.

His hips are making the most _sensual_ and ungodly _tight_ moves, while gripping me hard by my waist.

"_Ohhh.._. bloody-_ hell!_ _OH_! " I grit my teeth and find myself grabbing to the headboard trying not to get buried into the mattress. I can sense I'm on the edge, I can feel the orgasm travelling from the center of my body, all the way up and down the rest of it until I'm trembling violently. Praying to God not to die after releasing the pleasure of such dimensions that doesn't even _fit_ inside my body. But I don't want this to end so soon.

"_Curt!_ _Ohhh_... _CURT_! I don't wann-!" Harder and faster- d_eeper_. And then stops, backs away and thrusts with his full length.

I can't- I can't fucking breath. He's now slowing the pace... I can sense how every inch of his cock is _entering_ in my body. Warm, slippery, perfect. Going _in_ and _out..._ Gently, deliciously.

In an inexplicable mix or relief and even more pleasure, I moan softly- drowning in ecstasy.

He speaks into my ear, and I can feel his quick breath against my cheek- which is not helping at_ all_.

"Do you want me to go faster, Brian?"

His voice _this_ close, is absolutely unbearable.

"No," I manage to say. I don't, really.

I can sense he's grinning by sensing the curve of his lips against my ear, given that my eyes are completely shut.

"You've always been such a pussy."

"Fuck off." I blink opening my eyes, turning my head trying to face him.

How is that I was losing this view before?

The hunger blue-marine look, the nasty mid-smile lighting his face...

"It's okay- I like it."

He keeps moving slowly.

"_Ohh_…Really?" I say under my breath.

"Yeah, just as much as you like sucking me off."

Jesus Christ.

His thrusts are becoming a little bit faster, just a little. God this is making me so eager. Screw slow.

"_Ohghod_," I gasp.

"What? Is it too much?" I say nothing. "How much do you like it, Brian?"

Faster.

"_Ohh.. Uhh… Ohh_!"

"So?" He bumps me hard.

"Ohhhh!"

"_So?_" Harder.

"A lot!"

"Not good enough." He quickens the pace to an unbearable point, until the headboard hitting against the wall and the bed is squealing … I can't help but moan, and cry out madly- I'm completely lost. "You like sucking more than glitter and heels- don't you,_ bitch_?"

OH MY. My mind just imploded. That's definitely it.

I cry out hoarsely, feeling the warm wet slivering between my legs as a draft of relief travels up and down my body. At the same bloody time- his interrupted loud groans are anticipating he's in the verge of the end.

Ten seconds later he's done- panting in despair. Collapsing as a wave crashes over the sand. Frantically- predictable and unpredictable at the same time. Naturally. Soaking and salting it all.

We faint over the sheets, exhausted- sweated.

I'm about to fall completely asleep, when I feel him kissing my ear softly and whispering three words that completely melt my heart.

"I missed you."

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**Author's note#2:**

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**Ok yeah, Brian Slade shouldn't be so ridicuosly bottom, but here's my excuse: Brian is a great star because of his inspiration by Curt (Remember Brian was nothing before seeing him on the stage?)So, this is the only one that makes him feel so "bottom" the only human been he can worship. (Given that he's so selfish)**

**But he's not such an innocent nun either. Also, the sex-machine, sex symbol, pure-lust-boy that he is in the movie, it's (for me) because of Maxwell Demon personality and not himself( my Brian would be kinda schizo) You'll see :)**

**Don't forget to review!**


	4. Lust & Wounds

**Warning:  
****It involves sex language and almost-sex graphic scenes.**

**Author's Note #1**

**Hi! This chapter took me more time to post cause it took me and my beta so much work! I have to say she should share the credits of this chapter, her suggestions were really helpful! Thank you so much, you're awesome.**

**This chapter is much longer than the last ones, it's even longer than the first chapter. Things will get serious from from now on. Please tell me what you think :) Enjoy!**

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Chapter Four: Lust & Wounds

I wake up, and judging by the lights, it's the middle of the night.

It seems we've been shifting all over the bed without noticing, and my head is resting on his chest, moving up and down as he breathes. My arm is draped across his waist. I feel so... complete.

I sit up on the bed, watching him- excuse me, _admiring _him. He's so unbelievably beautiful.

The moonlight paints his skin, making it look like velvet- pale blue velvet. His lips part as he breathes softly. His eyes are closed- those beautiful blond eyelashes resting. His bleached hair falls to his shoulders. And I can assure you- I'm completely in love with that mole on his right cheek. It makes him look indescribably erotic and handsome.

He's from a whole other galaxy…

I can't decide If he's a marvelously perfect human being, or the most unbearably erotic one. He's completely naked except for that kinky studded choker, and his body is pure perfection. That ungodly silky chest...God I can perfectly recall every little spot. Every little detail.

The way it feels against my own skin- like smooth, hot satin. The way it smells, that fragrance of cigarettes, sweat, and raw energy that is distinctively Curt's. How it tastes, like warm lemon juice blended with a lick of the moist skin of a ripe plum.

My gaze travels down his flat stomach to that oval belly button, which as I recall is not only the perfect size for the tip of my tongue, but also a surefire way to trap Curt completely under my control... to make him shiver in delight and arch his back until I have to grip his hips and press him tightly to the bed...

I'm starting to lose my mind, and this is just the beginning.

The sight of that curly, golden hair covering Curt's smooth flesh crushes me with an ambrosial sensory overload. My mouth waters of just thinking about the burning hardness sliding between my lips.

Recalling me, being an instigator of his countless moans and shudders that entranced me into an ambiance of pure lust and surrender...

Now, traveling down his firm legs, all I can think is the major desire of turning him around and see that tight, perfectly rounded arse.

But I don't want to wake him up. However, I can't help but climb over him and kiss his lips, one at a time.

He moans softly in his sleep.

Such a delicious sound…

I continue kissing him- capturing his bottom lip, softly biting it and resisting the urge to dive into the entirety of his mouth.

And then, it happens. Curt, annoyed by me disturbing his sleep, rolls over, leaving me the most magnificent view.

I cuddle him from behind and start to stroke all the way from his chest to his legs. I bite my bottom lip, and my breathing deepens.

He moans again, this time slightly louder, settling on the bed, and inevitably pressing his beautiful ass against my skin. Oh my god. I want him to do that again.

_And again, and again…don't you?_

Bloody_ yes_.

So I play the devil and begin to kiss his ear, occasionally nipping gently at the lobe.

He doesn't respond. Not even a moan.

Maybe this isn't strong enough to cause him pleasure.

_Obviously._

Oh, excuse me Mr. I-Know-Exactly-What-I'm-Doing-All-The-Bloody-Time. What would _you _do?

_Weak points, Brian. The only weak point you're able to reach now is his neck. Do something with that, for fuck's sake. _

How is that I never thought about that on my own?

My lips make their way to his neck, caressing the thin skin with my lips, pressing the most sensitive spots with my tongue. Finally, I can't help but devour him.

Nothing. How is that possible? Ugh. I wanted to toy with him.

_I guess you just don't know how to._

You're really starting to piss me o-

_Slower- bite._

What?

_Slow your pace, and bite._

How do you kn-

_Do it._

I finally decide to do it, evoking a hoarse moan from Curt's mouth.

_See?_

Stop teasing me!

_What do you expect me to do? He's __**your**__ fucking boyfriend and you have no idea how to turn him on!_

'That's not true!' I silently retort in annoyance, but to my mortification, I realise that I actually said it out loud.

"Hmm… Brian?" he asks sleepily.

Oh shit. I didn't want to wake him up.

I remain quiet for a couple of minutes. He seems to be asleep again.

I slowly run one hand around his waist to pull him closer, and the temptation is so overwhelming that I can't help but move my body against his, rubbing my boner against that rounded ass. I entice him to follow me by moaning in his ear and rubbing my nose against it, immersed in the intimacy of the moment.

The delightful man in question moans exquisitely yet again.

_Bite me_, Demon.

_Well played._

Thank you.

"Do you like it?" I can't help but ask while I bite my lip, holding my breath. I'm submersed in the irrepressible desire of Curt being under_ my _power, making him feel as bloody mental as he does me.

"Uhm.. yeah."

I slither my hands down to his legs, and run my fingertips down very slowly, carefully enjoying every single inch of his slim body.

"Oh…" he pants, pressing his body against mine. Jesus.

"So, you're awake…" I whisper, pressing him harder.

"Ohh…y-yeah."

"The whole time?" Harder.

"Oh my-" he gulps, shutting his eyes tightly.

I slide the long hair from Curt's nape, running my lips against his moist skin.

Another soft moan.

I kiss his neck gently. Every little noise that comes from his mouth makes my entire body shudder.

My hand makes its way to his- to his… _erect _cock. I didn't expect him to be hard so bloody soon…

I grab the base and begin to stroking it slowly. Mind you, it takes all of my self-control to keep from making him come as quickly as possible. I'm painfully aroused. I bite my bottom lip to break off my breathy voice.

He's panting now, and moving in response to my touch.

Not only is Curt now pleasuring himself with _my _hand, as he does so, he's also rubbing his ass against my hard-on. Sweet Jesus, the torment he subjects me to... Is he trying to kill me?

Curt- I'm trying to be the top this time, and you're making it too bloody hard.

"Faster," he mumbles.

Oh no, you're dreaming if you think I will make this easy for you.

_Wait a minute. What if he's actually dreaming?_

He's not. He just told me he wasn't.

_Uhm...from what I can recall, he just said 'Yeah.' What if it's just a coincidence?_

What?

_What if he's still sleeping? And just happened to respond correctly? _

Oh my- do you think so?

"Brian…" he moans softly.

"What, honey?"

_He's not calling you- he's crying out your name in his dreams, you stupid moron!_

Shut up! He's awake.

"Yeah..."

_And he also reads minds..._

Fuck off! There's no way he-

And a loud moan comes out from Curt's mouth...

_I told you._

Oh my dear Lord. He's still dreaming.

Here I am. Struggling not to wake him up and kiss him until I bruise his lips, and he's having a _dream_…

_With you._

Well, I had enough! _You _tell me how am I supposed to play the Devil here.

_By taking advantage of him. Jesus, Brian- do I have to explain you everything?_

Well you're the 'Demon' here.

_Toy with him. He's defenceless._

Resistless.

_Irresistible._

Jesus.

I climb up his body. The simple idea of being a part of Curt's dream is unbelievably erotic.

My lips make their way to his neck again. My tongue tastes his delicious skin while my arm slowly wraps around his waist. My body- on top of his- sensually slides over it.

I can now feel his hard-on rubbing against mine. My blood is boiling.

"Oh, fuck…" I hear from Curt's mouth.

Oh my dear Lord.

I bury my face in his neck, licking and biting it in anticipation as I continue rubbing him faster and faster in a simulated suggestive humping.

"Ohh, Brian," he moans softly. That's my name..._My _bloody fucking name in Curt's moaning mouth.

I continue rubbing my body against his, adding more pressure.

"Fuck." His voice is so amazingly breathy. I move faster…harder…The headboard is softly knocking against the wall. The bed is squealing. And while he moans and cries out unintelligible things, I just want to hear my name from those lips again.

"Say my name, baby…" I manage to use the most enticing tone that I have. "_Say it_."

"Brian!" he gasps out while he responds to my movement.

The pressure of his hips going up and down…up and down…in that maniac and desperate way…He can't be dreaming.

I bite his bottom lip, and mumble in his mouth: "Not good enough…"

"_Uhh..ohh...uhm.._.go on…" he gasps "_Ohh_...Brian..." he moans with a low, breathless tone. "_Briaaahnn_.._.Ohfuck_." He takes a deep breath while biting his lip.

Jesus Christ. So _bloody _amazing. Fuck me if Curt Wild isn't a true artist, using sensual noises as his medium.

His eyes are now wide open, gazing at me with a light-blue look of confusion.

_I told you he was dreaming._

You have_ got _to be joking!

In about five seconds he seems to feel the weight of my body on him, bites his bottom lip, leans his head back, and gazes at me again.

"What the fuck is going on?" he manages, his voice heavy with confusion.

"Hi, darling." I grin to hide the fact that I'm scared to death that he is mad at me. And how in earth is it possible that he could remain asleep?!

"Oh, you didn't." His blue eyes stare at me, turning to ice.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Uhm..."

"Tell me you didn't try to fuck me while I was asleep, you freak."

Oh God, somebody kill me.

"Uhm...I- uhm..you were…well, you were dream-"

"Cuz that's _my _role, I think."

"Wh-wh-what?" I stammer. His response has caught me completely off guard.

"I think you know," he says, suddenly flipping me over, leaving his body on top of mine. It's hard to believe that such a thin body could be so strong. I look at him as his hair falls around my face.

Now this is just _not _fair. _I _was supposed to give _him _pleasure. _I _was the one who was going to blow _his _mind- well not just his mind…

It was _my_ turn to make _him _feel so much pleasure that _he _would arch _his _back, crying out _my _name, begging _me _to stop while _I_ enjoyed the sweat slithering between our bodies. While _I _smashed _his _mouth against _mine_. Not. Fair.

_I_ was supposed to lick _his _lips and slide _my _tongue all over _his _perfectly-built, shapely, exquisite, unbelievably sexy body- to meet that warm, big…mouth-watering c-

_Get a grip!_

Sorry.

And then I feel his lips kissing me on the mouth. He makes his way to my neck, kissing it gently, making violent shudders race through my entire body.

His tongue is warm and exquisitely wet. He's moving his head side to side, causing a soft caress with his hair against my skin while the heat and weight of his body drowns me in a cocktail of mesmerizing senses.  
The smell of his sweat- the silent melody caused by his breathing...I'm completely immersed in a drunken atmosphere. Abstracted from reality.

His fingertips now travel all over my body, making my whole skin go prickly, while his chest and legs rub incessantly against mine. All I can do is hold onto his shoulders, trying to surpass the furious waves of pleasure engulfing me in a sea of lust and doom.

And suddenly, my subconscious begins to form a thought.  
A horrible thought. The only thought that is completely out of place: what if this is wrong?

Should we be acting like this? Should we be kissing and biting each other as though everything were okay?

_Is it _okay?

What if this is a trance, a moment of joy and relief, and tomorrow he realizes that he didn't actually want to be with me? How can I even think about this now? I'm supposed to be enjoying him. I'm supposed to be jumping with joy over this, right? What's wrong with me?

He keeps on touching me and stroking me, and I feel nothing but fear. What if this is our last time?  
I can't do this. I can't pretend that I'm in the mood- I can't lie to him.

"Curt," I whisper. He doesn't answer. "Curt," I repeat.

"What?" he asks, stopping.

"I'm worried," I murmur.

"About what?" He sits up on the bed, looking at me expectantly. I sit up too.

"About us." I stare at him.

"You're fucking kidding me," he says, annoyed and quickly stands up.

Jesus, I'm so stupid. I screwed it.

"What are you doing?"

"Leaving," he says while he turns on the light and reaches for his pants.

I squint my eyes because of the piercing light, and it's only then when I realize this is really happening.

I stand up, my heart racing.

"Leaving?!" I ask, horrified.

"Yeah." He puts on his pants and kneels on the floor, leaning his head down. "Where the fuck are my shoes?"

"Why?!"

He reaches for his shoes under the bed, sits on it, and shoves them on his feet.

"Cuz this isn't going to work- I fucking _knew _it." He stands up again, and makes his way to the bedroom door.

"What are you talking about?!" I cover myself with the sheets and approach the door, blocking him.

"Move," he orders.

"No! What the hell are you talking about?"

He glares at me.

"Brian, _you're_ not fucking sure about this- how am _I _supposed to be?"

He's right. I'm such a moron.

"Well, that doesn't mean you have to leave- besides, I'm sure." I move closer. "Really."

"Move," he repeats, his voice broken with emotion.

"I won't."

"Please." He hangs his head.

"Curt-" I raise his chin with my fingers. I can see shadows in his beautiful blue eyes, breaking my heart. He still refuses to meet my gaze."I mean it, I'm sure- I'm not lying." I approach and speak on his lips. "I will never lie to you."

"You just said you weren't- you lied." He turns his face away from me.

Fuck.

"I know- I'm sorry, I was confused."

He crosses his arms. "I'm not."

"You're not confused?" I hold my breath- does this mean he won't leave?

His eyes looking into mine, annoyed. "I'm not sure."

"About what? Being confused?"

He sighs in exasperation. "For fuck's sake… Shut the fuck up! I'm not sure about us, clear enough?!" He yells, frustrated.

I stare at him, surprised by his tone of voice. My throat tightens, but I have to be strong.

"But you love me." I hug him. "Don't you?" I ask sweetly, but I'm actually really nervous about that question.

What if he has changed his mind?

"Yes," he whispers.

I feel a huge relief.

"And I love you, do you know that?"

"Yeah."

"Then everything would be okay."

"But-"

"I promise." I grin.

He gazes into my eyes. He looks vulnerable, so I hug him harder.

We remain like this for several minutes. I close my eyes thinking that I never want to leave him. I want to stay like this, in the arms of the man of my dreams, forever.

"Let's go to bed- I need to sleep," he says, bringing me back to the real world.

"Are you okay?" I distance myself just enough to look at him.

"No."

"It will work, trust me." I say warmly.

"No, it won't if you keep chickening out every fucking time things get serious. I know it was my fault the last time, but it's seems like you weren't sure at all." He moves away and runs a hand through his hair. Then he looks at me. "You weren't even back then." He looks away. "That's why I left."

I can't say anything. My eyes are watering just _thinking _about the possibility of Curt leaving me again.

If that's the reason he left the first time, and he's thinking it's the same way now, this is completely over. And this was our last chance…

A small tear rolls down my face. He remains quiet.

I can't hide my feelings.

"Please don't go," I manage to squeak out pathetically.

"I don't want to, but-"

"But what?" As I move closer, I see a glint of determination in his eyes.

My breath hitches, and I feel tears coming on yet again.

"I have to." He stares at me, softly pushing me away. "Just like I had to before."

"You had to?" I ask, still fighting back my tears, trying to make him talk so he won't leave- it's my last line of defense, the only strategy I have left.

"_Yes. _You were fucking pissing me off with your high and mighty attitude."

"That's not why."

God. I really don't want to discuss this again, but I have no choice. It's not like I was being such a bastard!

"What do you mean?" He eyes me warily.

"Well, that's not the reason why you were so pissed off all the time, not entirely at least…"

"Then _you _tell me why!"

"Well, you were..." I gulp. "I don't want to say it."

"I was fucking high- say it, Brian! Your boyfriend is a hopeless junkie!"

"_Is_?"

Oh my dear lord. Is he_ still _my boyfriend? Fuck that- is he still on _drugs_?

"Oh, for fuck's sake. Move!" he yells, trying to reach around me to open the door.

"Why are you so offended? It's not like you had no choice-you _chose _it!"

"Why do you think I actually chose it, huh?" He paces all over the room while he's talking. "Because my life with _you _was so great?"

My hand flies to my mouth.

"You-you.." I stammer, "...you went back to drugs because of...me?" I look at him in disbelief.

Me, the man that claims to _love _him, made him feel so overwhelmingly hopeless that he needed to poison himself to forget it? Jesus... I'm a monster. I think I'm going to be sick.

"Pretty much."

My chest begins to feel heavy.

"Then… go." I command, but it comes out as more of a sigh of defeat than actual words.

"_What_?" he demanded, a mix of anger and surprise in his eyes.

"I can't stand to hurt you like that. I- I didn't know that…that's just…horrible." I make my way to the bed and sit on it. "I- I can't even begin to explain how I hated it when you did it, and knowing it was because of me is…dreadful."He sits next to me, his posture heavy with regret, his arms resting on his knees. "Curt," I look him seriously. "I can't stand that you kept on that shit, okay? It's bloody poison- you were killing yourself!"

"Look who's talking."

"What?" I blink hard.

Suddenly his eyes, his voice, and his attitude change completely.

"It was on the news." He looks at his feet. "'Singer Brian Slade charged with cocaine possession.'" He raises his eyes. "You can't hide it from me."

I feel so tremendously ashamed.

"It's different." I'm trembling, biting my nails.

"How is different? Jesus, Brian! I'd expect that from some stupid asshole like me, but you?" He pushes me. "Why would you do something like that?! You've had already gone through the music business shit. That wasn't the reason."

"No, it wasn't." He doesn't look at me.

"I was so disappointed," he says, shaking his head slowly, looking at his feet again.

Ouch.

"It was a mist-"

"Always scolding the fuck out of me, and then you do it." He gesticulates angrily with his hand. "I can't fucking believe it!"

I say nothing. I place my hand on Curt's leg, but he pushes it away.

"Why in the goddamned fucking hell did you do it?!"

"I don't know! I felt… empty."

"Empty?"

"Yes, I felt alone, miserable and..."

"Wait, did you do it because of the break up?"

Yes. Yes. Yes.

"No."

"Fucking liar." He stands up, completely upset. "This is so fucked up." He punches the wall.

"It can still work!" I insist, looking up to him from the bed.

"_No_, Brian-I was clean for months and then went back because of this sick, twisted thing that we call our relationship, and _you _fucking started! I think that's a pretty good fucking reason to say 'no'!"

No it's not! Not if we love each other!

I stand up and move closer to him. He doesn't look at me.

"Curt-"

"See?!" He pushes me away, almost throwing me onto the bed. "That's why I was so fucking afraid! I knew this was going to happen." He looks at me, but I can't read his eyes. "Fuck you Brian Slade, just leave me the fuck alone."

He moves his leg nervously and then reaches for the door, storming downstairs.

I can't let him go. Not again. I know maybe this isn't the right choice- I mean, the last time we gave a relationship a go, we ended up broken junkies. But he didn't push me away the minute he saw me again- that has to mean _something_, right? And we love each other- isn't that in itself a pretty fucking good reason to say yes? I can understand this relationship has hurt us in the past but now I'm not willing to ruin it anymore. I won't take anything for granted like I did the last time I had him. I'll do it right this time. I know it. Besides, we were absolutely stupid. We didn't know how to manage the situation and we decided to forget about it by any kind of method. We were cowards. But I won't be anymore. Letting him go the first time was the biggest mistake of my life. I can't let myself do that again.

As fast as my legs can carry me, I run after him and grab his arm.

"Would you stop leaving for God's sake?!"

"Don't you fucking touch me!" he yells as he shoves me away from him. I wince as my back crashes into the wall, and lose my balance, falling against Curt again.

Our lips almost rubbing, our breath deepening.

"_I think I've touched you enough to earn the right of doing it one more time…" _I find myself whispering harshly into Curt's ear as his eyes widen in surprise.

Where the hell did _that _come from?

_Me._

Oh…

"Fuck you," he growls, trying to push me away again.

Oh my. A delicious mix of anger and lust burns in his eyes. I can't let go of his arm.

"_Or I could fuck __**you**__."_

* * *

**Author's note #2**

So, given that this story became so much complicated that I was preventing, I think I own you some answers and explanations. Here they are:

**- Curt went back on drugs? -**

Well, based on what I saw in the studio scene:

_"Fucking mother fucker! Mother fucker, you're a mother fucker! Fuck you! Fuck you, mother fucker! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkk!"_

(If you don't remember, search for " Velvet Goldmine- Waste of Tape" in Y-o-u-t-u-b-e)

I figured out that Curt's reaction should be because of something bigger than his temper. So I figured out Curt went back on drugs. And dismissing the fact that he is an actual junkie...What made him go back? He was clean. It must be something really big that made him go back.

So I thought about the difference in Brian when he meets Curt and the last days of their relationship. Given that for me Brian is madly in love with Curt and he is someone completely different from Demon. I thought Demon fucked up their relationship so bad, that Curt couldn't stand him anymore.

**-Then why Demon fucked up the relationship?-**

Because Demon is a selfish motherfucker that thinks he's over the rest of the world. Remember the interview with Curt when Arthur is looking for evidence.

_"It got too schizoid, you know? I mean...he thought he fucking was Maxwell Demon in the end – you know? And Maxwell Demon...he thought he was God."_

There's more reasons but I won't spoil you the story.

**- Brian and Demon are different characters? -**

Kinda. Demon is Brian's alter ego. But Brian has no control of him when he appears. The reasons that made Brian split up in two personalities are going to be in the story in itself.

**- What makes Demon appear? -**

Every chance that Demon has to make Brian feel bad about himself. That way, he convince him that he need him. Otherwise, Brian would realize how bad is this for him.

* * *

That's it. Make all the questions you want :)

**Don't forget to review!**


	5. The Only One Who Makes Me Feel Real

**Chapter Five: The Only One Who Makes Me Feel Real.**

"Tell me you're not doing this again." He frowns worried. But there's this sensual breathing in his voice that entices me to keep going. "Brian?" He waits for my response.

_"Doing what?" _I ask in a low voice. Well, that's not really _me _speaking right now, but I can't seem to stop him. "_Seducing you? Turning you on? Telling you exactly what I'm going to do you as soon as I stop dreaming about the things I could make you do with that little mouth of yours..." _I- let's face it, _Demon _growls**, **staring at Curt's mouth while he bites his bottom lip. Uhm..._my _bottom lip?

_For God's sake, let me._

Curt's expression shows a mix of incoming pleasure and a deep anger mixed up with disgust.

"Whoa- calm the fuck down, man. I'm not in the fucking mood, especially not with _you."_

_I grin devilishly._

Leave him alone!

_Not a chance._

_"So you __**do**__ know who's speaking right now." I approach him._

He pushes me away, but it's such a lame effort.

"I'm not fucking retarded, Demon." He snaps. His eyes burning with hate.

_I don't appreciate his disrespect._

_"Junkie isn't far from it."_

What the hell are you doing?!

_What you should do._

Curt's mouth is twisted with a grimace of disgust. He runs a hand through his hair, looks away, and then gazes at me. He takes me by my shirt, and speaks in a dry voice, his eyes icing over.

"Listen up and listen close- I'm _sick_ of you. You do _nothing_ to me. You're getting _nothing _tonight, or _ever. _Get it, you fucking mighty space queen?" He releases me, roughly pushing me away.

_"Well..." I begin as I approach again, and run a hand over Curt's shoulder to finally grab his nape. I whisper harshly on his mouth. "I don't think so." I grin on his lips._

Curt tries to push me away but I'm not going anywhere. He sighs in frustration.

"I don't fucking care what you think. I'm telling you, as long as you're in charge, you have _zero_ effect on me. I feel_ nothing _for you. Nothing sexual, and no sentimental shit. I would fucking _kill _you if you didn't take Brian with you."

Oh my god...

"_Who the hell you think you are to speak to me like that? I'm Maxwell Fucking __**Demon**__! You're __**nothing**__. _  
_I got you out of a dark hole- you were __**nothing **__before me. You __**owe **__me. Big time."_

"I'm not listening to this shit," he says, making his way to the front door.

"_Where will you go?! You'll end up either thrown in the street or laid out on some dirty mattress- numb, almost dying. Is that what you want? Don't be stupid- stay here and stop pissing about."_

"I don't care if I end up in a fucking drainpipe- it would still be better than staying with you."

He slams the door.

Oh my God- Oh bloody hell. What the hell did you just do?! He left! He left again! He's also gonna freeze to death out there!

_Calm down, he'll come back. _

No, he won't! How am I supposed to fix _this_?

_You won't. He is just rubbish to us. We need someone who respects us, who knows who we are. We are going to rule the world, and he's not in our plans anymore. He's not on our level._

What the fuck are you talking about?! I love him! He's the man of my life and _no_- I'm not letting you take him away from me again!

_It will be pathetic if you run after him again. _

I don't care.

_Be my guest. But you won't find him._

Why not?!

I run upstairs and yank on my clothes, ignoring the snapping of several stitches.

_Because he doesn't __**want **__you. He doesn't love you, Brian. He doesn't love __**us**__._

No. He doesn't want or love _you. _Frankly, I don't care what he thinks about you as long as he loves me.

_You selfish prat! You too?! See what he's doing? He's turning you against me! I'm part of you Brian- he isn't I made you a star. I gave you everything you ever wanted- money, fame, the love and appreciation of millions. I made people want to __**die **__for you. I got you out of that horrible place. Nobody could understand you Brian, nobody before me...remember? They were going to waste your talent, they were going to force you to become one of them. But you were so much more, weren't you? __**I**__ made you see that. __**I**__ gave you the strength, the confidence, the self-esteem. And he...he gave you nothing but troubles. Can't you see that? He wants to break us apart, Brian. He's not __**good **__for us. _

No. I... I'm not going to listen to you. I'll go to get him back.

_I had enough. You're not going __**anywhere. **__You will stay here and show that little bitch some respect. You won't dismiss you, or me- understood? _

I don't understand you! If you hate him so much why do you keep on making me seduce him?

_He's hot. That's all. That doesn't mean we should take the risk of letting him control us. _

He's not. You are. You're mak-

_Listen, Brian. Let's go to bed. It's been a long night. Rest- you will think clearly in the morning. Then you will see I'm right._

I...I don't want to go without him. I can't stand that he's gone...not again...

The tears run down my cheeks. My back slides against the wall until I fall to the floor.

Alone again. Hopeless. After all the strength I had to build up to go after him. After how much I cried and suffered when I lost him, I did it again.

And he... hurt, wounded. Freezing outside, probably smoking countless packs of cigarettes and mixing them with strong cheap liquor. Getting drunk.

He's probably walking alone, trying to understand what the fuck just happened. He will probably try to get over it, and now I know what it means...

Now I see. Now everything is clear. This is what I did before. This is what was destroying him. Why would he come back? Why would he risk it again? I broke his heart yet again, and I can't promise him I won't do it anymore.

I can't control- you know... _him_. He doesn't give me the chance to stop him. He just takes control, and that's it. I can't do anything. I'm not _me _anymore.

This can't be real... Why? Why is he doing this? Why does it make everything so complicated? Why am I suppose to tolerate this? Is it really worth it? The fame, the money? The fact that I'm not invisible to _anyone _anymore?

If this is the price I had to pay, losing the love of my life, then I wasted it. I have nothing from it, compared to what I got from being with Curt. It was all fake. Staging. Make up. The whole thing was an act. My whole life was a show. And I actually made him think I chose it. It wasn't until I told him I wanted to quit that he realised that it wasn't that way.

Now he's not going to buy it again. He doesn't trust me anymore. He has no reasons to tolerate this. Hell- _I _have no reasons. What could _he _have?

So that's it. That's how far we got.

There's not any possibility of getting back with him again. Not even one small chance.

I know it's impossible. I know it's even stupid to think about it but I don't care how much it costs me...I just- I just want him back. I would give up the world- just give me back Curt.

Please stop doing this. I need him. I love him. I really love him. He's the only one that makes me feel good about myself. He's the only one that makes me feel _real._

Maxwell? Are you there?

Of course you're not.

My stomach clenches, I'm going to be sick. I can't even cry anymore- I have no strength. I feel numb.  
My life seems meaningless.

The tears drying out with the cold wind coming from the bedroom window, freezing my cheeks. I don't care. I feel nothing. Not cold...not heat...not even life.

"He left his coat inside that building so he'll probably go back for it," I softly say to myself. "I can meet him there and try to talk... Yes that's what I'll do. First..." I yawn, rolling over my stomach. "First thing in the morning I'll go for-" I yawn again "-him... that's what I'm going to do... Everything it will be..." And the words fade into the night.

* * *

I wake up, the thought of Curt still nagging at my mind. I eye the clock on the night stand.

_Holy shit. _I slept late.

I jump off the bed and dress up desperately as my mind is still trying to process the fact that is seven o'clock _in the evening._

"Fuck!" I hiss as I yank my pants up my legs and then shove my shoes onto my feet.

The horror seizes me. He's probably already gone for his coat. He's probably miles away right now. I don't have his cell phone number or any kind of address. I did it. I lost my chance. I absolutely lost my _last_ chance.

I take my coat and run downstairs, and my head begins to spin- I got up too quickly and I'm partly blinded by the abrupt move. I wipe the sleep from my eyes with my finger as I look for my keys.

Where the _hell _did I leave them?

Great. Now I've lost the love of my life _and _my keys.

They're not on the living room table and I wasn't in the kitchen last night. They're definitely not in the bedroom so I guess they should be in the couch or something. I must have tossed them aside.

My eyes close, remembering last night's rush. Those first ideal hours. When he was here, willing to stay. _No- _I'm _not _going to cry anymore.

Let's find the bloody keys.

I head for the couch in the back of the living room- the telly area. As I approach it, my heart pops out of my chest. Curt is there- that beautiful blond is passed out on my couch, his frame covered by that God-awful coat.

Oh my holy sweet Jesus.

What is he doing here?! Oh, what the hell does it matter? He's_ here_!

Oh my god I want to wake him up, but I just can't. I'm still scared of what he might think about last night. But he's here on my couch. Here, with me. By choice.

I stare at him, trying to convince myself that this isn't a dream or an hallucination. I need to talk to him. Apologize, hug him, _kiss _him. I can't wait for him to wake up.

I decide that I need _something _to calm my nerves and I'm starving anyway. So I make dinner for two.

As I make my way to the kitchen I'm just thinking that I _can't believe it. _And this thought doesn't vanish for the next hour. At least I get distracted by making dinner. It always relaxes me. Food is easy- you control it. You can tell it what to do, and it doesn't argue or insult you. Food doesn't seduce your boyfriend and then send him angry into the night.

When it's ready, I take the chicken out of the oven and set two big plates with creamed potatoes on the table. I put two glasses next to them and a bottle of wine. Then I come to my senses and snatch back the glasses and bottle. _Wine _isn't probably the best thing for us right now. Especially if he's been drinking last night. Maybe he just needs a cup of coffee.

Besides, am I stupid? I can't dream about a romantic dinner after what happened. I'll be lucky if he decides to stay in the house.

Let's just drink water.

I go to the couch and try to wake him up. I do so gently, but I'm terrified.

"Curt," I whisper, leaning my head to his ear. "Curt- wake up, honey." He rolls over, covering himself with the coat and mumbles sleepily.

"Leave me alone."

"Curt, it's almost nine o'clock. You need to eat something."

He moans in annoyance one more time and then opens his eyes.

"Hi," he greets, squinting as his eyes focus.

"Hi, honey." I grin stupidly.

He narrows his eyes, studying me.

"You need to get a shrink, Brian."

"I know."

I can't stop looking at him.

"I mean it- last night was sick."

"I know- I'm sorry."

He touches his head with his right hand and sits in the couch.

"Fuck," he groans, wincing. "It fucking hurts."

"Did you drink?" He glares at me with a what-do-you-think look. I smile sadly. He stands up and shivers with cold. "I'll get you a shirt, and an aspirin."

"Uhh... okay."

I go upstairs and get him a white shirt, a sweater and a tablet.

"I don't wear this kind of shit," he complains with a small grin in his face.

He has tied back his hair with a band. He looks so handsome.

I quickly head for the kitchen and get Curt a glass of water. "I know, but it's freezing." I chide, bringing him the water. "Shut up and dress- I'll turn on the heat." I do so.

"I need a shower." He swallows the aspirin.

"Dinner is getting cold- you can shower later."

He places the glass in the coffee table. "Dinner?" He frowns, buttoning the shirt.

"Yes, in the kitchen."

He grins at me in disbelief. "You cooked?" he says, sliding the blue sweater down his chest.

I love that shade on him- it makes those gorgeous eyes glow...

I grin back. "Of course."

I lead him to the kitchen and sit him down at the table.

"Oh, wow," he says, looking at the plate and taking his fork. "You cooked your ass off."

"Thanks."

"No need."

He smiles and eats in silence. I do the same until I can't help but asking what the hell happened for him to come back. It's driving me crazy.

"So," I begin. I can't just get straight to the point. "How did you get in?"

He swallows his meal and looks at me. "Oh yeah, that." He drops his gaze to the plate and then raises his eyes again. "Uhh...I have your keys."

"So that's where they were." I smile, letting him know it's okay.

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"For what?" I take a bite. Curt doesn't answer. He stares at me with embarrassment in his eyes. "It's okay- it means you wanted to come back." I continue eating, but he doesn't.

"Not really."

"Then why did you take them?" I think about it for a moment. "And _when?_"

"I didn't take them. I already had them."

What? Ohh.. he's talking about the old keys.

I resume my meal. "I see."

I try not to smile. I thought he threw them away the minute we split up.

"Sorry I got in without your permission." He takes a bite and points at the plate with his fork. "I eat shit compared to this," he tells me, changing the subject. I can see he's really nervous.

I grin. "I'm glad you like it." I place my hand on his over the table, and he looks up at me in surprise. "You don't need my permission- this is also your house, remember?"

"_Was_."

I don't know what to say. He's right, this isn't _our _house anymore. It's just mine, but I really like the fact that he kept the key. Does it mean he planned to come back? He told me it wasn't really that way but I'm still wondering. However, I don't want to talk about it. I know we will end up fighting and he will try to leave. No- he _will _leave. It _always _ends with him leaving, and I can't risk it anymore.

"Dessert?"

"I'm not finished." I say nothing. Several minutes pass by in silence. "Brian?"

"Yes?" I take a sip of water. I know what he's going to ask.

"What the fuck happened last night?"

I swallow hard. "I don't know really."

"Can't happen again, you know?"

Fuck.

"I can't promise that," I explain meekly.

He looks away. "I don't know what the fuck to do." His eyes stare at me, waiting for a solution.

"Me neither." He eats in silence. "But you came back."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

He glares at me and downs his head, looking at his almost empty plate. "I wanted to."

My heart skips a beat.

"Really?"

"Yeah." His eyes turns serious. "But we got to do something about that fucker."

I know. I've been trying my whole life. I don't know what to say. I can't assure him that things will get better. What can I do? I _want _to be better. It's not like I'm enjoying this. What kind of advantage could I have? This is not helping me. As I said, it's not worth it. I don't want to be controlled by Demon in any kind of way. I don't go on stage anymore. There are no adoring fans for him to feed off of. How did I let him stay? It's been a few years. I don't need him anymore. I don't _want _him anymore. He makes me lose everything I want, everything I _love. _

I notice Curt is eating in silence. Maybe he can't talk about it either. Maybe this is the only solution for now. Not talking about it, pretending everything is okay. Waiting for Demon to reappear and figuring out what to do when that moment inevitably comes. It's not the _best _plan, but it's the only one we have for now.

"I still hate your coat," I say, grinning wickedly as he drops his silverware to the plate. Direct hit. I just want to spend time with him- no stress, no questions...just enjoying each other.

He raises his eyes and gives me an incredulous smile. "At least I didn't dye my hair blue."

A wide smile crosses my face. _Game on, Mr. Wild._

* * *

**Author's note.**

******Chapter reviewed by my genius beta, love you 3**

Ok...

Explanation Time.

Let's go back to the studio scene. You see how Curt ask "Brian?" and when he got no answer he freaks out? That's because he was looking for _Brian _and when he didn't answer he thought that it was_ Demon_ who was there. Since Curt is sick about the 180 turns and he is on drugs because of that- he can't stand a single minute around Demon and that's why he insult poor Brian who's being really patient with him.

So, Curt is _sick _of Demon. He loves Brian, he wants to stay with him. But he knows what Demon does to them and don't know if he can manage that. He couldn't the last time.

* * *

Demon in manipulating Brian to make him and Curt split up. Curt isn't convenient to him- he loses power. Curt brings the real Brian out, that's why _he feels real. _Cause he is the only one that can make Brian think he is more worth it than Demon. (Given that nobody knows Brian and everybody loves Demon)

Now that Brian isn't on stage anymore, Demon needs an excuse to stay in Brian's body.

Brian had a dull life of no understanding. Nobody recognize his talent and charisma. So he had to come up with a stronger personality, enough to get him out of that dull place. That's when Demon appeared and took control over Brian's life. He's the reason of his lustful sexy arrogant attitude.

_Brian_ is still a child. He hasn't grown up. Because Demon appeared in his early years, when he was a teenager. So he got stocked there.

PS: I'm writing this for me, and this are actually my notes but since I'm posting it I think it's ok to show you, whoever who's reading, and make it more clear :)

* * *

**Please review**, if you are so lovely to take the time of reading the whole story- please be more lovely and tell me what you think :D


	6. Trust

**Author's note:**

**Well this chapter took me double than the other ones cause it's really long- almost twice than the last one I think and that's because this chapter is pretty much one of the keys of this story and it's really important to me so I really want to know what you think about every matter and specify as much as you can.**

**Thank you a ton to death of a deadcurrents and Mychelle in Wonderland! You guys you can't imagine how much I appreciate that you're following it and how happy makes me when you review. So I'd like to ask you what you think about what you would like to elaborate or what kind of scene you liked better or what would fit better into the story. So I see your view about it :)**

**Again millions of thanks to my beta, Enjoy :)**

**_(Oh and I'm sick about the warnings, if you got this far, you know what to expect.)_**

**Chapter Six: Trust.**

"Do you have any idea how much I missed you?" I smile sweetly, squeezing his hand and staring at his sea-coloured eyes.

"Shut up," he says with a shyly half-smile in his face, avoiding eye contact.

"I still can't believe you're here," I whisper, closing my eyes.

"Brian," he says softly. I open my eyes and see the most honest look. His nails dig white crescents into his palms, his eyes enormous and pleading. For a moment I could read the doubt and fear in that look, just before his eyes stare down the table. "Do you think you could..." He purses his lips and raises his eyes. "...you know, _stay_?"

Oh my dear god. What can I possibly answer to this? Is he really thinking about it this way? Doesn't scare him to wait for something like that? Wait- is he even trying to say what I think he's saying?

"What do you mean?" I say, trying not to lean closer and hug him tightly.

"You know..." He runs a hand through his hair and settles in his chair. He seems really nervous "...don't let _him_ in, and... stay with _me_."

My heart is tearing up in one million pieces. If only I could chose to give up my entire life and give him a sign of hope. If only I could promise him I will never hurt him again.

"I'm not su-"

"Promise you'll try." His eyes are staring at me, glowing with hope.

"I promise." Several minutes pass by in silence. "Curt..."

"Yeah?" He's not looking at me.

I take a deep breath. "Why?"

He frowns. "Why what?"

"Why do you stand him?" I wait for his response, almost shivering in fear. I shouldn't ask him this, he might want to leave, but I need to know if this is just a matter of time, or if there's a deep reason why he's staying.

Curt stares at me. "It's still you."

"But I'm hurting you."

I redouble my efforts not to cry.

"A lot of people had hurt me before."

That's not a reason!

"But I don't want to be one of them."

He raises his eyes. "You're not."

I can't hold back my tears any longer.

I don't quite know what to say. There are no words in this world that could possibly express enough... The way I feel about him, it's...beyond the feelings that mortals could feel.

With him, I feel _infinite_.

"If I could stay... I'd never leave you- you know that?"

His lips are trembling, his eyes fighting not to water. My cheeks are already wet.

"I know." His voice is so small, so broken.

I can't believe how much pain I'm putting him through, forcing him to make this decision. Stay here and fight back every day, or leave and...be free? Why is he staying? Why did he even choose me? I'm not _that _special...I'm just not worth it.

He leans his body close to mine. Looks me in the eyes, smiles softly, and whispers the most heartbreakingly beautiful words. "I feel alive around you." He plants a brief kiss in my lips, leaving me speechless, breathless.

"I'll be in the shower." He stands up. I can't form a single word.

I watch him climb the stairs, leaving me alone. Leaving my soul trembling and my entire body fading. And for a moment- just for a minuscule span of time- when my eyes lose sight of him, I die.

After several minutes and washing the dishes, I finally go upstairs. I make my way to the bedroom and make the bed, waiting for Curt to come out of the bathroom.

"I really needed that," he says, stepping into the room.

He looks simply beautiful- and sexy. The towel wrapped around his waist. His hair plastered to his face.

Another little towel hangs around his neck. The water droplets leave translucent trails all the way down his body... I'm so jealous of those drops...

"You're dangerously sexy right now," I say, approaching him and holding his waist, biting my bottom lip.

Our lips linger together for about five seconds.

"I'm just wet," he says, breaking the kiss, and heading for the bed. "I need to go to my place- I have no clothes here."

"Maybe you could bring all your things here," I suggest.

He looks at me with surprise. "What do you mean?

"I'm just saying maybe we could...try again." I sit down next to him.

"Moving in together?" he asks, his voice showing his disbelief.

"Why not?"

He looks away briefly, and then gazes at me. "Cuz it's too fucking soon, Brian- don't you think?"

"But we're not going to split up again." I point out.

"We don't know that for sure." He looks pretty upset."Let's just leave things they way they are."

I say nothing, but the expectation in my eyes betray me.

How _are _things exactly? He stands up and makes his way to the closet. When he's back, I'm still waiting for an answer. I stare at him expectantly.

"What?" he asks, buttoning one of my trousers.

"Curt-"

"You need a fucking label, don't you?"

_Yes._

"I just need to know where we are."

"If that's not a fucking label, then what the fuck is it?"

"I just need to know... If we're exclusive."

"Are you fucking kidding me?! Do you really think that after all we've been through, ignoring that motherfucker, telling you that I fucking love you- I'd just be here for the goddamned _sex_? Seriously Brian, you got some serious insecure shit going on."

_I fucking __**love**__ you._ I missed every word that came after that. Those words from the lips of the same man I would give my life away to have. And he _loves_ me... Why do I keep pretending he doesn't? He _does. _Why the hell am I bitching about? What else could I possibly want?

"I'm sorry." I stand up and approach him, "I'm just really paranoid sometimes."

He laughs humorously. "Sometimes?!"

I smile and kiss him quickly. I want to be relaxed, talk, have fun- but I can't ignore the fact that I'm terrified about what will happen in the next hours. What would happen if I can't control my insecurity?What would happen if Demon takes control? I can't pretend that everything would magically be okay, but I don't want to ruin things by speculating**, **either. I need help- I can't do this alone. Oh, somebody punch me- I'm _not _alone.

"What are we going to do?" I ask, sadly staring at him.

He looks at me seriously. "I don't know, but we gotta come up with something- _soon_."

I nod and then stare at him. "But _what?_"

He sits down in the bed. "Sit down." I do so, and wait for him to talk. He sighs and then looks at me. "Okay, can you control the fucker?"

"What do you mean by 'control' him?"

"I mean, can you argue with him or he just steps in and that's it?"

I stare down the bed, trying to find the way to explain- but I can't found it. "It depends- it's not that easy. I don't know if I can put it in words."

"Well I'm trying to help you out here, so _try._"

"It's like... It's like he convinces me it's the best choice- you know, to let him stay."

He looks down trying to process what I just said. "But you know it isn't," he points out.

"I get confused in the moment."

He glares me in disbelief, raising both eyebrows. "But how can you get confused with such a motherfucker?" he blurts.

I sigh and look down. "I told you- it's not easy."

He takes my hand and raises my chin. "I'm sorry, I know it isn't." He plants a small kiss on my lips.  
"I mean it."

"That's alright."

"Come here," he says, smiling warmly, placing a hand next to him in the bed as a gesture for me to sit closer. I do, and he lies on the bed, pulling me down to lie on his chest so my eyes are staring at the ceiling. He wraps his arms around me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I feel so good, so comfortable, peaceful, free. "I know you're doing your best," he says, caressing my hair as he talks. "I really do- but if we want to get rid of it, I need you to _talk_, Brian. He might make sense in your head but if you bring it out, you'll see he doesn't- you need that."

"What do you mean?" I whisper, feeling protected and warm. I'm completely calm.

"_Talk_, and I'll show you."

"Okay, where do I start?"

"Tell me the first time he appeared."

"I don't remember that."

"Try."

I hesitate. "It was a long time ago, I don't recall the exact moment."

"Then try to recall your age or something- we need to go deep down to figure things out."

"It's a long story."

"I'm listening."

I take a deep breath and try to recall.

"Well?" he asks, impatient.

"Shut up- I'm trying to remember."

"Okay."

The memories come to me and I try to organize them as I speak. "...I think I was about fifteen. I remember this one time I was in my room, writing this amazing song I was really proud of, and I went downstairs to show my parents and they completely ignored me. I mean, they didn't even _pretend_, you know? I was practically invisible to them- not even a 'Nice.' Which I'd have probably hated anyway, but at least it would have been _something." _

"Were they always like that?"

"Absolutely. They just pretended I didn't exist...no- they didn't pretend, they _actually _didn't see me if it wasn't for dinner. They didn't talk to me if they weren't teaching me how to sit, how to eat, how not to eat, what to say, what not to say. They were more polite schoolteachers than parents."

I can't believe I am remembering these things... I thought they were dead.

"I know how that feels, the last part I mean- I've never been told what to do, like _ever."_

"Lucky you," I mutter, honestly not interested. It's not like I'm not interested in _him _but right now I'm trying to talk about all these things. He asked me to do it, so he should keep his bloody mouth shut. It's not easy.

"Not really, I ended up with no fucking limits but it doesn't matter- keep going."

"_Anyway_," I cut him off, probably too rudely, "I was so bloody angry and absolutely devastated, and this had been the last straw. I started to think that maybe I was just talentless and meaningless and that was why I wasn't worth the trouble to anyone. And- _yes _now I remember..." I take his hand and squeeze it as if I were about to fall. This is harder than I had thought.

He squeezes mine back and whispers. "Are you sure you want to tell me this?"

"I am." I remain silent for a few seconds and then continue. "I locked myself up in my room and broke everything I could reach- I just destroyed the entire room and cried for hours...until I was out of tears." My voice breaks, and I begin to feel the anguish growing inside me. My eyes begin to water.

"I...I was thinking that maybe..." I swallow. "I should just go, you know? Just...leave."

"God," he whispers, holding me tightly.

"...so I went to my father's room and took his razor... and I-" I can't do this. God.

"Shit," he hisses, his voice tense and small.

I sigh. If he's going to interrupt me every bloody second, maybe I shouldn't tell him at all.

"Do you really want me to-"

"Yeah. I'm sorry- go on."

"Are you okay?" I turn my head to face him and see this incredibly sad look, mixed up with sympathy. It's then when it hits me. I'm probably not the only one in this room that tried to do this. I bet he has, and this is bringing his memories back. I sit up and stare at him.

"It's just," he says softly and looks away." He purses his lips and spit the words "It hurts me."

"Why?"

Because maybe he's been through the same thing, you idiot?

He takes me softly by the collar of my shirt and glares at me.

"Don't you _dare _to try it again." His lips tremble.

"I-"

"_No_- swear it." He looks... wounded.

"I swear." He says nothing. "Hey...it's okay..." I whisper, holding him- but he takes me by my shoulders and pushes me away just enough to drown me into those eyes of crystalline water.

"Do you still feel like that?"

"What?" I'm momentarily shocked.

"Do you still feel like that?" he repeats.

"You mean back then?"

"Yeah."

"Absolutely not- don't worry."

He releases me. "Okay... but-"

"What?"

He moves closer and hugs me, caressing my hair and burying his face in my neck. I feel his entire warm body, holding onto me. He whispers, three words- shattering my heart.

"Don't leave me."

I don't have the slightest idea how to react. This creature, whose temper makes him run for the door when facing any kind of trouble. This man, who I'm dying not to make leave me again, even if he has his reasons. This is the same that now, holding me as if I were something amazingly valuable, is actually asking _me_ not to leave _him_. I know he doesn't mean physically leave, but still...

"I won't."'

He takes a deep breath and then stares at me again. "I'm sorry, it's just..." He runs a hand through his hair.  
"Fuck- I need a cigarette."

He stands up and makes his way downstairs.

I lie down and try to understand what on earth has just happened. Why is he so afraid?  
It was long time ago. Why is it so difficult for him? Why the sudden change of behaviour? I know he wants to help me but it had never occurred to me that he would feel so upset by my story. It's not _that _terrible anyway- it was just a stupid thing. I just wanted to-

Curt comes back, his face dark.

He sits down in the bed again, a lit cigarette between his fingers. He takes a short drag and then stares at me. I sit up.

" I... well... Brian I know about this, I...I know how it feels...I know how..." he takes another drag, his hand trembling. "...fucking miserable you must have felt and...I want to make sure you would never feel it again. Not just because I'm scared- I am." He sucks the nicotine again. "But that's not the point." He remains still for a few minutes, smoking quietly. When he has smoked it all, he looks for a place to extinguish it. I lend him an ashtray that was in the night stand and he puts it out, moving the ashtray to the floor. He then takes both of my hands and squeezes tightly.

My heart races, as I wait silently, fully focused on whatever he's about to say. I really want him to talk to me, it's one of those times when he's opening his heart and being completely honest with me- but I also want him to stop. I don't know If I will be able to handle it.

"I know I had reasons, I know things were fucked up and that it wasn't working." He looks away and gives me a sheepish smile. "I thought I saw you in the street once...and even though I thought I _hated _you, I wanted it to be real, you know? But I knew that you wouldn't come back because of your pride, or the motherfucker's pride- I don't care. All I'm saying is that it wasn't fucking easy- I saw how my life is without you and even if our relationship was sick, it's still better than the loneliness. And it's not just loneliness like I'm by myself- it's that I was without _you_. I couldn't fucking believe it..." He lights another cigarette.

I don't dare say _anything_...I don't have the strength to interrupt him. It's a weird blissful feeling- remembering how badly I wanted him immediately after our split, and finding out _now _that he wanted the same thing. It's odd to know that I'm not the only one hopelessly bound to another...even odder knowing that someone feels that way about _me_.

He moves closer, and sighs.

"Remember that morning? You know..." He looks at me. "...when I was leaving... I came to take my stuff and I was moving out of this very same house..." He places the cigarette between his lips and smokes most of what's left. "...I looked up the window and when you closed the curtain, I immediately knew it wasn't you and I was so sick of that."

I say nothing. I barely remember that... How could I be so cruel? Well... but again, it wasn't _me. _And even if he knew that, he was looking for me...staring at the same eyes, searching for hope and waiting for _my_ body to move downstairs. To reach him, hearing me ask for forgiveness from the same lips... It _was _me as far as he's concerned. I can't excuse myself by blaming Demon. At least not with Curt.

Things would have ended very differently if it were.

"But the moment we got back together, last night... before all that shit..." He finishes his cigarette. "...I felt..." A shy smile crosses his face. "...good." He looks away, and then at me again. "I felt so fucking good..."

I can't believe we're going back to this on such different terms than we used to. He's not talking about who had the guilt, who had the pride or who was the sicker of us. He's not even talking about the actual break up itself. He's talking about love...our love...

What I don't get is why, why is he just telling me all this now_? _

"Where are you going with all this?"

"What I mean, Brian- is that knowing all you've been through as a kid, how...meaningless and miserable you felt..."

"Yes...?"

"Knowing _that_, forces me to tell you all this...I mean..." He places his hand on his chest. "..how _I_ felt, and how I _feel," _he says, emphasizing the words with a gesture of his hand._ "-_about you...for real." He looks at me sincerely, his voice unsteady. "Well I... I need to..." He swallows. "I need to- I want you to know I have no problem with... shit."

He abruptly stands up and heads for the closet, opening and closing drawers nervously.

"What are you looking for?"

"Shirt," he says, rifling through the clothes.

"First hangars," I reply, not understanding his nervousness. "Why do you need one?"

"I just want one."

I say nothing while I try to understand. Oh God... He's leaving again!

"Why?!"

He doesn't answer, taking a black shirt and pulling it over his head.

I stand up and reach for him.

"What are you doing?" I say, placing a hand over his shoulder.

He tenses, closing his eyes, and moves away softly, holding his hands palm-out in front of his chest in self-defense.

What on Earth is going on?

"Don't," he whispers pleadingly, staring at the floor.

"Why?" I demand, raising his chin. He looks at me briefly, and turns his head just before making his way to the bed.

"I need to tell you something, but you gotta shut the fuck up."

"Alright," I say, sitting next to him, slightly offended.

He sighs heavily and takes a deep breath, staring at the wall in front of us. Then he shift his eyes to me, but turns his head almost immediately.

"Okay, I... I was kind of... lying to you before."

I feel the urge of asking 'What?!' but I remain silent. This might be worse that I thought.

"... I mean when I told you that I couldn't take it anymore... like... I don't really..." He takes another breath. "... feel that way..." He looks at me, making sure I'm listening.

Sure as hell I am. I don't have any clue of what is going on. I nod, so he continues.

"It's hard to explain... I don't know how the fuck to... like... put it on words."

I attempt to say something but instantly trail off. Did he do anything wrong? Did _I _make anything wrong?

"...but I feel like I need to tell you somehow. Brian...?"

Almost asked "Yes?", but I didn't. I look at him, raising my eyebrows.

"You do know why I... why I came back- right?"

God. I'm not really sure what to do- should I nod? Should I answer him? I remain quiet, just in case.

"Right?" he repeats. He's definitely waiting for me to answer.

"Because you love me?" I ask softly.

A little shy smile burst out of his lips. "Yeah, but... I mean something else..." his smile fades.

Should I keep talking to him?

"...when I found out about..." He gulps. "...you know..."

I nod yet again.

"I couldn't help but think that maybe... that's... you know, still in you."

It's not. It's not! Should I say it out loud? I accidentally shake my head. He stares at me.

"...you're not getting it," he says sighing and looking away.

Alright. I won't move any muscle or say any word again. After several minutes, that actually feel like bloody hours, he continues.

"...I don't... I just..." he whispers, trying to find the words by gesturing with his hand, which trembles.

I'm dying to hug him as tightly as I can and tell him he doesn't have to say anything he doesn't want to. But again- I won't.

"I can't stand that...just...the thought of you...thinking about you in such a..." He settles on the bed, and runs a hand across his nape. "...pathetic kind of way..." He raises his eyes to me and it's like this feeling of shame is blocking him from holding the look. "So it's like I can't...fuck- I can't let you do that anymore."

Let me do _what?_ Feeling pathetic? I don't! Jesus I need to _talk._

"They were all... wrong- you know? All those fuckers were... mistaken... about you. And I think..." He shuts his eyes tightly and opens them again. "...I think I was too."

I'm making massive efforts not to shout for a clear explanation right now.

"When I...left, I mean." He runs a hand through his hair and finally locks his eyes with mine longer than a second.

"I never should have left."

My eyes widen huge, not believing what my ears are hearing.

"I..." He breaks the look and stares down at the comforter. "I made you feel...the same way- I actually..."

No! You never made me feel even closer, what the hell are you talking about?

"...I'm still doing it..."

I give up. I just can't believe he feels this way. Did I give him such a wrong impression?

"So... I should stop." He shift his gaze to me again, and breathes deeply while staring.

"You... you are to me."

I am _what? _God, not speaking is definitely not my cup of tea. I give him a questioning look.

"Worth it- you're worth it."

My throat tightens as I feel the tears watering my eyes. I can barely breathe.

"So...before you tell me the whole story..." he continues, as if he has no clue what his words has just caused on me. How shocked, full of happiness and _smitten _I am in this very moment. How he bloody well just took ownership of my heart.

"I _needed _you to know it... Just... just so you know things are... different."

I want to jump over him and hug him but I can't move, I'm now glad he doesn't let me speak because I'm totally incapable of doing so.

"That... that was pretty much it- did you...get it?"

I nod, laughing and wiping my tears.

"I love you so much." I manage to say while I grab his face with both hands and dive into the sweetest and deepest kiss. He kisses me back, his lips trembling, turning into a shy smile. He presses his forehead against mine, while his hand is holding the back of my head.

I close my eyes and feel his breath on my face. I feel as though he is breathing easily again. When he talked to me it was like the air was exiting his lungs word by word. It's like he just removed a big weight from his shoulders and now he feels sated.

He pushes me away softly.

"Wanna tell me the rest?" he says, his voice sounding much lighter.

"Yes." I grin.

We settle in the bed the way we were before. I'm so incredibly excited and happy I can't even think about painful memories.

"Okay, so you were... you know..."

"I can't recall these things..I feel too good."

He laughs and then caresses my hair.

"You gotta do it, Brian."

"I know..." I sigh.

"Go on."

"Okay... So..."

Jesus, I really, _really _don't want to get back to this. I'm bursting with joy- I can't go all the way there from this. The fall would be much more painful from here.

"I was there... with..." Jesus, I can't do it. "the... r-razor," I whisper, "...on my neck..." I feel Curt swallow. I do too. "But when I was about to do it...I heard this little voice, far away in my head, so far I couldn't understand what it was saying. I ignored it but somehow I stopped crying. Suddenly all these thoughts, all this emptiness was gone..."

"Like there was someone there?"

"Exactly. It was then than I-"

"But you didn't realize that it was just _you?"_

I'm a little frustrated, if I _have _to tell him, then at least I'll lead the story the way I want. But he's just deeply interested, so I'll just answer the question. " I did and I didn't. From that day every time I felt alone and sad, I heard it, clearer every time. It was weird...I knew that was just my head but somehow I felt no longer alone, I actually started to feel kind of good. So the next-"

"You had no friends, though?"

I don't know- if you _let me_, I might tell you.

Alright, where did that come from?

"Not one."

"Why?"

I sigh loudly and speak harshly "The kids in the school thought I was a sissy queer and I suffered from bullying the whole school time."

He noticed he's pissing me off. Thank Christ, certainly I don't want to jump in a fight over this.

"Oh."

"Yeah, it was awful. Anyway, one day I was in the school and some blokes were molesting me until I was about to cry. And completely out of nowhere I heard the voice, only this time completely clear- and it told me exactly what to do and what to say and-"

"What did it tell you?"

"Jesus, Curt- shut your bloody big mouth!" I yell, sitting up on the bed and facing him.

Fuck, It slipped out. Why am I being so bitchy? I mean, he just told me one of the most beautiful things someone had ever said to me and now I'm genuinely upset with him for interesting in my story? What's wrong with me?

"It's just... I'm really sensitive about this..." I try to explain.

"It's okay."

Huh? Not a 'Fuck you and your fucking story'? not a 'Whatever, I don't even care' not a simple "Calm the fuck down, man'?

"Really?"

"Yeah, I get this might be stressing the shit out of you. I should shut the fuck up- it's already hard enough."

Exactly.

"I'm sorry."

"Go on- I'll shut up."

"Okay so..." He says nothing. "Where was I?"

"The voice told you exactly what to do when the kids were making you cry."

"You're really paying attention."

"I am."

I grin.

"Well, I don't remember the words, I just remember the fact that it was telling me to do something and how to do it. So before I could follow the voice and its instructions, I was in the principal's office with my mum yelling at me. I had my hand on ice and I couldn't remember _anything._.. Later that afternoon I was told I had beaten three kids and given them several injuries..."

"Holy shit."

"I know. That night I was freaking out, trying to figure out what just happened to me and I heard the voice again, telling me that I had just done the right thing. That he was proud of me. And I swear to God, that was the very first time I heard that. I was so happy that I didn't realize how sick it was."

Curt open his mouth to say something but immediately regrets it and remains quiet.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me, I want to hear."

"Well..." He runs a hand across the back of his neck, staring at me. "I still don't get it- it's your own head and sure as fuck it was back then, right?"

"But you need to understand this: I didn't mind _who _or _what _was saying it- I just needed to hear it."

He frowns. "That much?"

"You have no idea," I whisper while I look down the bed, feeling the sadness return.

"I'm sorry," I hear him say.

"You don't have to feel pity for me- I'm over it."

"_No_ Brian-" I raise my eyes. "-you're _not- _that's the reason we're talking about this in first place. Feeling that way made him grow inside you. It's still with you. Don't tell me you're over something that fucked you up so bad that made you split you into two different persons."

I say nothing.

"I'm sorry but it's true. You can't even fantasize with it, you have to face the fucking truth to get over it. And you never did from what I'm hearing. That's why he's still here."

I know he's completely right, but I don't want to hear it. Plus, this is not easy for me, so he shouldn't be this rude.

"Can I go on?" I ask, upset.

"I'm just trying to help."

You're not succeeding.

"I know."

He shakes his head and the looks at me. "It just pisses me off so fucking bad- you know? I'm sick of him and I've got this crazy idea that I can make you get rid of it. But I can't be light about it."

That actually makes sense.

"I know, I want him out too."

"Okay, go on."

"Well, so..."

"He told you he was proud of you."

I remain quiet for a few minutes while Curt waits for me to continue the story.

"Well?"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," I mutter, annoyed.

He looks away briefly and smiles teasingly. "Oh, come on Brian- don't be such a drama queen."

"I'm _not._You're being rude with me."

"What?! I'm trying to help you!"

"Well you're not!"

His mouth drops half open, while he glares at me, offended. He looks away and then at me. "Then _fuck _you- I won't waste my fucking time." He stands up and storm downstairs.

Idiot. Bloody stupid idiot. Did you get what you wanted? He's pissed off, congratulations! You couldn't just not be such a prick and actually let him help you? No, you had to screw things like you _always _do.

I won't go downstairs. I won't repeat the same little pathetic scene again. He wants to go? Fine.

Actually... I could just go and apologize, he's right anyway...

No, I won't go.

But-

Shut up.

Great, it's not enough to argue with my alter ego so now I'm arguing with myself. Three personalities would be way too much. I would just go downstairs and tell him it's not such a big deal and I'll continue the story. That's it.

I do, and he's not the living room. _No he didn't. _

I head for the kitchen and there he is, sitting in the table and smoking. I sigh in relief.

"Hi," I say, stepping into the room. He doesn't even look me. "Hey, it's not that big of a deal."

"Fuck off," he says, still without looking.

"Hey, I'm-"

"Yeah, you're sorry. "

I sit in front of him. "Yes."

"I don't fucking believe you," he snaps.

"Why?" I take his hand and he pull it away.

"Cause I just told you _everything _and still you found a reason to fight all over again."

I remain quiet for a few minutes, analysing what he just said and what would be the best way to make him know I realized he's right. How? How, without telling him 'I'm sorry and you're right that I'm an idiot'- which he doesn't want to hear- can I ask for forgiveness?

What does he want me to do?

Oh, I got it.

"Okay.. " I begin while his eyes raise, waiting for me to talk but with a look that shows me he'll dismiss whatever I'm going to say. "So, I was super excited... I mean, he actually-"

He frowns. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm telling you the rest, you wanted me to. I'm doing it." I lean to kiss him as he looks at me, surprised. "Keep that _beautiful _mouth shut, Wild," I whisper, and then back away.

He smiles and takes a drag, waiting for me to talk- his look has changed.

I _DID _IT_. _I actually turned off a fight!

"I was so excited that he recognized me and started to 'show' him my songs and art. And he kept saying how incredibly talented I was and that I was being wasted there, and that he could take me out if I wanted to. I immediately said yes." He attempts to say something. "I know what you're thinking, how could I not realize that this was actually still me? I did, I just didn't care- if there was any possibility of leaving that numbing place, I'd take it."

"It was that horrible?" He takes another drag and narrows his eyes at the smoke. "You grew up in a decent place, you should have seen the trailer I grew up in. _That's _fucking bad living conditions, you were perfectly healthy and safe and well fed in there."

"That didn't matter. I felt completely empty the moment I walked into the house. There was this crushing energy that was taking my life away. I was nothing to them."

"Well, that I would have preferred instead of..." he sucks the cigarette. He's so sexy when he does that- I'm now focused on hearing him, but still can't miss that.

"What?"

"Nothing, let's back to you- what happened next?" He puts out the cigarette against the table.

Not the wood table, Jesus. It's alright, I won't say a bloody word about it. I lend him an ashtray and he moves the cigarette to it, without looking.

"Curt, I want to know. You never tell me anything about you."

"Are you kidding me?" he says, lighting another one, and then dropping the lighter to the table- gesticulating with the cigarette between his fingers. "I just-"

"Alright, stupid statement. But still I want to know."

He takes a drag, and then exhales the smoke in such an erotic way that I'm losing track of what we're talking about. "Well I don't wanna tell ya, so keep talking."

"What?" I'm completely focused on how incredibly sensual he is with that lucky object between his smooth lips.

"Are you deaf? I told you I don't want to tell you." He takes a long drag.

I _really_ want to know. But God- he's so, so beautiful. Look at those deep light-blue eyes contrasted with that bleached hair...I know a blond, blue eyed man it's a bit of a cliché but he is absolutely not. Because blond, blue-eyed queers are submissive and shy and Curt has this _appearance _of an angel, but he's raw, crude and nasty.

It's such a delicious mix...

"Are you sure?" I ask, not really knowing what I'm saying, but mesmerized with such a stunningly sexy creature.

"As fuck," he mutters, oblivious of what I'm thinking or feeling. I come to my senses and notice I can't just obsess with him right now because we're talking about serious things and I shouldn't miss them.

Alright so he just told me he wasn't going to talk or something similar. Right?

"Okay- But we'll talk about this later."

"No we won't. It just slipped out and I don't want to bring it up..." He leans closer.

Oh, don't do that _now. _

"..._ever_- alright?" he raises both eyebrows.

I'm struggling not to bite my lip. _Yes_, alright. _Whatever _you want, Curt- just ask it to me and I'll do it right here, right now.

"Yes," I mutter.

"Okay, let's back to you." He moves away.

No, wait- what? I want him to talk!

"That's not fair."

"Huh?"

It's not fair because I can't talk to you if you keep being so bloody sexy sucking at that cigarette instead of me.

Oh, wow- I have to calm down.

So it's not fair because... I got it.

"I'm opening to you, telling you my whole story- why can't you do the same?"

"Because mine doesn't affect us."

True. Fuck. I'm out of excuses.

"But still I want to know."

He rolls his eyes and then speaks, his voice sounds upset. "I don't care- respect my fucking privacy, if you don't want to tell me your story, that's fine too. But I won't tell you mine just because you happen to want a fucking reward or something."

I look at him, he seems deeply annoyed- quite sad. I didn't know I was causing this.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I'll just tell you mine, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

"Good."

"So, where was I?"

"You wanted to get the fuck out of there."

He's still annoyed, but I won't discuss with him. I got distracted and forgot what this conversation was for. Helping me to heal.

"Well after that I started going out clubs out of town, and suddenly all the shyness, all the insecurity was completely gone. I felt strong, everytime I felt weak I had a back-up, it was amazing. I felt powerful, invincible. I started to hook up with girls, blokes, everyone was a target to him and he convinced me I could easily get it."

"Were you already bi?" He finishes the cigarette and immediately lights another one.

"Well, Demon convinced me that it didn't matter. I could feel attraction to any kind of person and that was fine. I should experience everything- he said that 'targets have no gender.' "

"Didn't you notice he was making you manipulate people? I mean, it was pretty fucking obvious."

"I didn't care, I thought that was okay- he inflated my ego like a bloody aerostatic balloon."

I stand up and head for the fridge, looking for the chocolate cake. I move back to the table with a little plate and fork.

"Do you want some?"

"Thanks," he says, taking my fork and taking a bite. I smile at how incredibly childish he is when he's like that, and look for another fork.

"Why is he called Demon, anyway?" he asks, with the fork in his left hand and the cigarette in the other. He absolutely can't stop smoking it.

"There was some day when I told him I didn't want to follow him, I was drowned in the Catholic beliefs and things just didn't seem right...so I called him a devil and he said to me that he wasn't the Devil itself but was some kind of demon. And that I should call him that because it would be necessary to finally get unattached from that place. He would bring out the demon in me- the real me, he said."

"But you weren't attached at all." He takes a drag, and a bite.

"Can't you leave the cigarette and just eat the cake?"

He shakes his head with his mouth full.

"You're ruining the flavour," I say, almost laughing, and take a bite myself.

"Fuck off," he responds grinning, still chewing. Then he finally swallows. "This is fucking delicious- did you make it?"

"Yes," I answer, proud. "But I haven't added nicotine or snuff when I baked it, so it tastes really different if you eat it properly." I mock him.

He looks at me, smiling. "Shut up and talk."

"I can't remember what I was saying."

"You have really bad memory, did you know that?" He sucks the cigarette again, slightly leaning his head back as he does, and shuts his eyes, exhaling again the smoke that blurs his image among the grey mist. Extraordinary.

"I don't- I'm just... distracted."

"Lame excuse, you just went for a fucking piece of cake."

"I'm not distracted by that." I look at him intensely.

"Huh?" He frowns, not understanding. Taking the bloody luckiest object in the world to his lips again.

"I'm getting distracted by you..."

"I'm not doing anything."

He doesn't get it.

"Let's just say I'm really jealous of the cigarette."

"Ohhh..." he says, smiling and tilts back his head.

"There you go."

He approaches me and speaks in a low sexy tone. "If you want your dick in my mouth, Slade- just say it."

Holy mother!

I gulp hard. A violent shudder has just shook my entire body.

"Well-"

"Too bad- we need to get this done. We'll fuck later," he says, grinning and backing away.

I look at him, turned on and annoyed. "Bastard!"

He laughs.

"I'm sorry Brian, but if we get into bed we'll never work things out."

"I don't care." I stand up.

He looks at me. "Well _I _do- and frankly I think you would be being an asshole if you didn't."

I know he's right, but was _that _really necessary?!

"Alright." I sit down again. "I'll finish the bloody story."

"Aw, don't get upset- you know we need to do this. It's not that I don't wanna fuck."

"I know, but you turned me on for nothing!"

He laughs in disbelief.

"You were already hard, man! Don't blame _me!"_

_"_Stop teasing me!"

"Okay...Just, let's do this and we'll get straight into bed- alright?"

"You better fuck me hard after all your bloody little game." I laugh.

"Oh, you don't have to worry about that." he says, locking his now smouldering eyes with mine.

Jesus!

"You see?! Stop that!"

He laughs again.

"I'm sorry I can't help it, you're so fucking hot and responsive."

_God. _

"Do you want me to talk or do you rather me to slither down the table and suck you dry? Because I'm _this _close to do so."

He swallows and momentarily widens his eyes. "Jesus- _talk_." He finishes the cigarette.

"Okay so tell me where I was," I say, resuming my cake.

"He told you that you needed to be unattached of that place so I told you I don't think you were attached at all."

"Oh well, in someway I was. If it wasn't because of him I would just become dull and somber like them."

"But 'him' is in _your _own head! Just blows my fucking mind." He takes a bite of cake.

"What do you keep saying that?"

"Cause I want you to understand that this is _you-" _He points me out with his fork, "-and not somebody else. It might be inside there but in the real world it isn't. So you should know that and grasp it really hard. It's the first step, I think."

"How do you know that much?"

"I've lived with both of you for months. Believe me, I know exactly what I'm talking about and how incredibly mad you get when I remind you that this isn't someone else. That's because that was the first thing he'd convinced you of- that you couldn't decide over him. Maybe you've forgotten but I know that."

"How?"

"He told me."

"What? When?"

"We'll talk about it later, finish the story," he says, focused on the cake.

"No, we'll fuck later so tell me now."

He grins. "Nice try, but nope- keep talking."

When did Demon had a conversations about this with Curt? And why didn't he tell me?

"Okay... So well I was- yes, I was feeling amazing at those times. I felt attractive, sexy, almost irresistible. He encouraged me to keep writing until I had a whole album almost done. I was talented and beautiful, the whole world-"

"That hasn't changed," he says, looking at me with a shy smile in his face.

"What?"

"Talented and beautiful," he says softly.

I smile and lean to kiss him. "Look who's talking." Our lips linger for a while, and we kiss again.

At first it's soft, as we enjoy each other's heat and brush our lips slowly. Then he adds his tongue, wet and slightly scratchy, tangling with mine. The temperature then seems to be ascending- every contact, brush, flick...He presses the back of my head and mashes my mouth against his, and we're now devouring each other. He starts to unbutton my shirt and just when I'm about to jump over the table, breaks the kiss and grins- his lips swollen.

"Keep talking."

Please let him be joking.

"I don't want to," I gasp, approaching to kiss him again.

"Come on, Bri-" I cut him off by immersing my mouth in his. He continues his tongue rushed motion. And as though this wasn't enough to make a man lose his mind- a soft, almost imperceptible moan comes out from his mouth.

"Why do you do that?," I ask as my breath quickens.

"Why don't you?" he replies with a devilish smile, and bites my lip.

I moan slightly as he kisses me, and now I'm literally climbing up the table.

"Don't," he whispers.

"Why?" I stop.

"Cause we gotta talk about this."

"But you just-"

"I know, but as long the table is in the middle we can fool around- if you cross it we won't stop." His voice is breathy. I can't resist that.

"And the problem you have with that is...?" I say, leaning again.

"We can't distract ourselves with sex- we need to do this, we'll do it." He's dead serious.

"But-"

"I know- I want too. So finish the fucking story so I could fuck you once and for all."

I shudder.

"Why can't I tell you later? We won't forget." I bite my lip.

"We _will_, Brian- you _know _we will. It's the first time we get into this so we should take it seriously. I don't want to fuck and end up with no fucking idea what to do then. We need a plan."

True... What if Demon appears after that and we have no bloody idea how to manage it?

"You're right." I sit down.

"Yeah."

"Okay so I..." I take a deep breath to remain calm. "So everything was perfect until one day I woke up in some unknown room and I realized I didn't remember anything..."

"Drunk?"

"First I thought it was because of the alcohol too, but later I realized I hadn't drunk that much. I ignored it, but this kept happening for days, and months...Until I resigned with knowing that at some point, I would fade and woke up at some strange place, with no clue of what has happened at all."

"Holy shit! And you didn't notice something was incredibly wrong?" He takes the final bite of the cake.

"Are you joking? I was completely freaked out! I thought I had some amnesia or something, but then he told me he would take my body and I had to agree because he made me everything I wanted and I would get more if I kept letting him. So... I agreed."

"Were you fucking insane?!" He drops the fork, which falls to the floor. "You actually _agreed _to give him the charge of your own body?"

"Well..." I run a hand across the back of my neck. "He said he could turn me into so much more- I was intrigued."

"But you don't give up your body for _intrigue_! That makes no fucking sense!" he says, almost standing up.

"It did to me. Plus, it wasn't just that- it was the first time of my life I felt I was _someone_."

He seems to understand, and settles on the chair again. "But you only felt that way for what? A couple of hours until he took charge again?"

"Sometimes days, but yes- eventually I would just... fade."

"And you actually paid the price of being _someone _even when it costed you lose your own body with absolutely no warning."

I feel ashamed. "Yes."

"Wow... I can't fucking believe it. You must have felt so incredibly empty before him to accept such a fucked up deal," he says, shaking his head.

I already knew that. I don't need people to remind it to me.

I look at him, annoyed. "I did. I'm sure you know about it."

What did I just say?!

"What do you mean?" he asks, moving the plate away from him.

"Feeling empty."

Stop it right now!

His voice turns tense. "Where the fuck are you trying to go with this?" He stands up.

Shut up. SHUT UP.

"Well I'm just saying that you might have felt the same way to-"

"To get high?" He backs away. "I _knew _you would come up with it. Why are you so pushy about this?!"

Shit. Me and my bloody big mouth.

"I'm not, I was just saying-"

He walks to the living room, I stand up and follow him. "Why do you bring the thing out every five fucking minutes?! I'm getting sick of it."

"I just did two times!"

"Don't fucking do that, you _know _what I mean!"

"I didn't want to push you, I'm-"

"Yeah, you're fucking sorry- I know the line. Well I _don't_ forgive you- you know why? Cuz I'm trying to help, I'm actually trying to get this shit together and you keep pushing me to tell you about things I made myself perfectly clear that I _don't_ wanna talk about. Then you realize the fucking idiot you are and say 'sorry', and I forgive you, and this fucked up cycle starts all over again. And I'm _sick _of it."

"I-"

He points at me. "And don't you fucking _dare _tell me you're sorry."

"What should I say then?"

"Just stop asking and things will be fine."

"But I can't- I care about you," I explain, moving close to him.

"Bullshit!" He yells, moving away. "If you really cared about me you'd stop asking if I tell you I don't want to discuss it!"

"No!" I move again and take him by his waist, trying to calm him down. "If I would have stopped myself from asking, then I wouldn't know anything about you."

"Maybe that's for the best." He pushes me away.

"It's not! I _love_ you, I want to _know _you, and I need you to be honest with me about those things for that, but you keep closing yourself up!"

"There's a _reason_! and if you really want to know, pushing it is the best way to convince me not to tell you!"

He's right. I say nothing and let him speak, trying to mend the stupid arsehole I am- nothing new.

He looks at me and then makes his way to the couch, sitting on it and waiting for me to sit next. I do, and he stares, taking one of my hands with his. He speaks trying to calm his voice down. "Listen, I know you want to know about me and that you care. I thank you for that, but you have to understand I'll tell you things when I'm ready to tell you, alright?"

"But... I worry."

"About what?"

About the bloody fucking never-ending drugs topic.

"You know."

He sighs and settles closer. "I'm under control, Brian- if that's what you need to know. I'm doing my best, and I need you to stop bitching about it so I could feel you don't think I'm a hopeless case and get stuck in that thought."

"I don't think that way about you, not even close."

He smiles. "Good, that's all I need to know, and what I just told you is _all _you need to know for now- okay?"

"Okay, but I'm still a little worried."

He sits closer and looks at me. His eyes this close are even more transparent that I thought. Not only because of the marvellous colour, but you just have to see through them to know how he feels. It's hard to believe that light-coloured eyes can be so expressive.

"You're gonna have to trust me, otherwise there's no point. I _do_ trust you, that's why we're here, that's why I came back...I know you _want_ to do something, I know you _need_ help and that you suffer every time that motherfucker tries to hurt me. First I thought it was bullshit cuz it was yourself, but then I remembered once you told me you can't stop him and I _do_ believe you. And I believe you're capable of healing, so I  
need you to do the same thing."

He's still looking straight into my eyes, his are enormous and sincere.

"Curt, I do- It's just-"

"_Trust _me._"_

* * *

Tell me what you think :)


	7. Break

**Author's Note: **

**I'm really sorry this chapter is much more shorter than the last one. But I've been really busy and couldn't check the rest of my writing with my beta so I won't risk and just post what she looked over. **

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 7: Break**

"I do- I trust you."

He smiles sadly the moment I respond. "No you don't, but at least you'll be calmed down for a couple of days."

"No." I stare at him. "I do."

"For real? No more of that interrogating shit?"

"I promise."

"Alright."

"Where was I?" I ask, settling on the couch.

"Do you want to?"

"No, but we have to."

"Right. Okay, so you agreed... you know."

"Yes- well, I think you pretty much already know the story from here. Must have read them in magazines."

He drops back on the couch in surprise. "Your whole career started from there?"

I don't want to say this. "I met Mandy," I whisper softly.

"You what?"

"I met Mandy," I repeat, making a huge effort.

"I can't fucking _hear _you."

"_I met Mandy,_" I say again through clenched teeth, annoyed.

"Oh." He nods slightly.

"I'd really rather not to talk about her."

He looks at me. " Why not?"

"It's too complicated."

"So?"

I sigh heavily. "Can we take a break? It's been too many emotions for one day."

He deadpans. "But, you just- and..."

"I know, but I have no idea what to do right now- we'll figure it out later."

"You _know_ that's not an option."

"Alright- let's do it, but I won't tell you about her. Can't we do something with what I already told you?"

"Well... based on what you told me it seems like he was some kind of a fucking hero to you. When did you realized he actually wasn't?"

I answer without hesitation. "When I met you."

"You're kidding." He stares at me.

"I'm not. When I met you he made me seduce you like all the others, but when we started getting serious, I told him I didn't want to do that anymore. That's when I realised it wasn't that he was giving me all these options, but he was forcing me to stand by just one. Then well, you know..." I purse my lips. "...things between us began to...fail."

He nods slightly yet again, as though he were trying to assimilate all that I'm saying. He remains quiet and shifts his gaze into me, his eyes dark. "Did you remember that before or you did just now?"

I feel a little nervous. "Honestly?"

"Always."

"I sort of knew something about it, but all this talk is refreshing my memory."

He is silent again, looking down. He then turns his head to me.

"So you _do_ know he's not doing you any good."

I nod.

Silence seizes the room one more time, making me feel even more unease.

"Did you get to know him?" he finally asks, his voice is small.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you know his weakness?"

I look down the couch."That's the thing..."

"What?"

"It's always been you... for both of us.." I raise my eyes to him.

He seems surprised. "Really?"

"Yes- very different concepts of 'weakness', though."

"Explain."

"Well... you're mine in a romantic kind of way," He grins. "While for him... you sort of break his system."

"Huh?"

"How can I explain it... Alright, is like you said- he's me, so it's perfectly reasonable to think that he would feel attracted to you the same way I do. Right?" He nods." He just... handles it differently- it isn't convenient to him.

"_That_ I know."

"How so?"

"Well, he just treats me really _different _from you."

I suddenly feel incredibly guilty. How difficult it must be to feel love for someone while there's a whole other personality that makes you feel exactly the opposite?

"I know," I say without looking at him, keeping my eyes in the wall in front of me.

He sighs and mutters sadly: "It's like he hated me."

What would that made him sad? Because of the fact that a parts of me hates him? Or just Demon?

"He sort of does," I say honestly.

Curt smiles shamefully. "Yeah, I guess now he probably does."

I quickly turn my head to him. "Now?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.

He looks at me and quickly drops his gaze to the floor, sighing. "You were right- let's take a break," he says standing up.

I look up to him from the couch. "You're not serious, right? You can't leave me hanging like this." I stand up.

"It's nothing, really- forget about it." He makes his way upstairs.

"I can't!" I yell at him climbing the stairs and heading for the bedroom.

He's dressing up and now shoving his shoes on his feet.

He turns back to me and I see the sorrow in his eyes. This is really hitting him.

"I need a break," he mutters.

What?

"But you told me we needed a plan and we didn't come up with one," I say, trying to convince him to stay in the house.

"I know," he says going downstairs. "I just don't want to think about it right now." He takes his coat and makes his way to the door. Just before I'm about to freak the hell out, he turns back, kisses me softly and whispers. "I'm not leaving, I just need some air."

I nod, relieved and worried at the same time. And he walks out the door.

I go upstairs for a shower, and the thoughts begins to nag at me.

First of all: Why on Earth did he get so upset? He looked genuinely sad...I thought he hated him.

And what did he mean by 'now'?! From what I know Demon always hated Curt- he always made me think he wasn't good, and seduce him just to hurt him again. Demon can't have felt anything for Curt, he can't feel anything for _anyone._

But why does Curt think that he does? Or did... He _knows_ Demon hates him.

'I guess now he probably does.' Probably? Isn't it pretty clear? Maybe he's confused because Demon continues to seduce him. No, Curt is smart enough to know that's just a trick.

So if Curt knows he's just a game to Demon, and knows that he just wants to destroy him- and still he thinks he 'probably' hates him 'by now', the only thing that occurs to me is that... Curt... felt something for Demon, and he obviously thinks Demon reciprocated.

Jesus... I can't believe this. How is that it never hit me before?! Obviously he had to be in love with Demon, he didn't know that we weren't different- he thought we were part of the same person and fall in love with the whole shebang...

So when he started figuring out that we are different... I can slightly recall this, but I'm pretty sure he was confused and didn't believe me. Especially after all the horrible scenes he had to live that I had no record of.

But I do remember telling Demon I wanted him to stop. The little moments I got to spend with Curt by myself were just... magical. I couldn't believe I wasn't able to enjoy him without having this voice pushing me to hurt him. Until one day I just didn't. And he took control, as he always did when I didn't do his bidding. But then he always convinced me it was for the best and this time, I remember he couldn't.

I fought for him, but Demon won. And... well, the rest is known story. Maybe I should give up...

My head is spinning. I need to stop thinking and relax. He'll come back, with his mind clear, and will stay with me. That should calm me down for a while.

"Brian?!" I hear Curt shouting after the front door slams.

So soon? Or did I spend too much time thinking in the shower?

I step out of the bathtub and wrap a towel around my waist.

"Upstairs!" I yell back, drying myself. I dress, and observing he hasn't come up, I go downstairs.

He's sitting on the couch, moving one foot impatiently.

"What happened?" I ask while drying my hair with a little towel.

He stands up immediately.

"What happened? I couldn't even do a fucking block, I can't pretend this isn't getting to me."

I sit next on the couch and put my hands together over my knees, staring down the floor. "I noticed."

"I know." He sits next to me. "I can explain."

"I get it, there's nothing to explain. Let's just..." I swallow, staring at the wall. "...finish the story and move on."

"No, Brian- Listen to me, I don't want to feel this way, okay? I want to get rid of him."

"And yet you feel it." I look down again.

"Well, I can't avoid that."

I sigh. "Exactly."

"Okay, I don't even _know_ what are you trying to say with that but I won't risk- alright? Let's take a motherfucking break. Too much fucking stress."

I look at him. "Didn't you just take one?"

"_Together_, Brian- let's take a break together. Let's forget about all this shit and just... enjoy, you know? Stop freaking out. We're back together, that's _got_ to mean _something_."

"You're right..."

"Why is it so hard to just... be together? No bullshit?"

I look away. "I don't know..."

"I love you," he whispers.

My heart skips a beat.

"God- I love you too." I stare at him, but he's not looking.

"So much, Brian- you have no idea. I feel so... safe."

"Really? Even-"

"Yes," he mutters, shutting his eyes.

"Wow."

"I don't want this goddamned shit anymore."

"Me neither Curt- it's just that-"

He takes me by the sides of my face and pulls me closer. "Shut up," he whispers, before kissing me sweetly. He runs a hand through my hair and speaks into my neck. "You smell amazing." I grin, and before I can answer he's whispering in my ear with a voice of such sweetness that melts not only my heart, but my entire body. "I love you so fucking much." He leans his body on top of mine, half-laying me on the couch.

"Me too." I kiss him deeply. "For God's sake, you're my whole life," I say under my breath, feeling how my heart is bursting with love.

He looks at me, sighs contentedly, and kisses me back. "I missed you like crazy."

"I missed you more," I whisper, tangling my fingers in his almost-dry hair and losing myself among his incessant kisses.

He unbuttons my shirt and bites his lip while smiling against my lips, and whispers: "I hated sleeping alone."

It's right now that I notice the shiver passing through me it isn't burning, it isn't cold. It's... warm... It doesn't feel rushed, it doesn't feel raw. It feels right, familiar... lovely.

"I hated _being_ alone." I say, allowing him to take my shirt off and then pulling him onto me to drown him into a long, sweet, _passionate_ kiss.

I pull the shirt up his head, and see how that beautiful silvered hair falls around his angel face, those drowning eyes brighter than ever. I can't help but say it, I can't help but ask him: "Don't you ever leave again."

He ponders for a moment, staring. "Oh shit- I won't," he bursts, and kisses me deeply.

I smile widely while he caressing his back, running my fingertips down that soft skin that is now brushing with mine. The heat immerses me into a warm feeling that touches my soul. I take a deep breath, feeling how those silky lips are gently caressing the side of my neck.

"We should go upstairs," he says, noticing that we don't fit in the couch.

"I don't want to move from here, _ever_," I whisper.

He smiles shaking his head. "You're such a romantic fucker."

"You love me." I grin.

He looks at me, intensely and sighs biting his lip. "Fuck yeah, I do." He smiles and then moves away. "Let's take this upstairs."

I grin and sit up, watching him as he stands up and takes my hand to bring me with him. The minute my feet are on the ground, a flash of realization strikes me. This _isn't_ right.

We spent the whole bloody day trying to figure things out. I, myself, tried to release us from that to have a good moment many times- and _he_ stopped me. He was the one who was all 'Oh, we _have_ to do this, we have to get through this, we _can't_ stop.' When I want to relax, it's 'oh no, you're such an asshole', but when he wants it- that's ok, that's how things are supposed to be. Just forget about the huge bloody bomb he just dropped and pretend I didn't hear it. Because when _my_ heart is cut open and _my_ feelings and issues and insecurities are exposed to be torn apart, that's okay-_ 'keep talking'_. But when it's _his_ turn, 'Oh no, forget about it. Let's just act like everything is sunshine because that would shut Brian up.' Bloody bastard.

We _had_ to talk about it? We still _have_ to.

"No," I snap. "I won't."

He turns back and raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"At least not before we talk about what we have to," I say.

He smiles in disbelief. "You gotta be _fucking_ kidding me."

"No, _you_ have to be kidding _me_." I move closer, ready to make my point. "How is this supposed to be, huh? You making me spill my guts out and then taking them in because you're in the bloody mood? You repeating over and over that we have to do it and there was no other way but ohh.. no, excuse me- _I_ have to, not us. And-"

"You fucking two-faced faggot!" He yells, moving closer. "You are the one who wanted to take the motherfucking break in first place!"

I back off. "And you wouldn't let me! I practically had to ask permission- no, not practically- I did ask. What kind of pussy do you think I am?"

"A _big_ one! And that's why I was trying to make it up to you with all the sparkling shit you always want! So, again- you don't know what the fuck you want!" He turns away and I grab his shoulder, forcing him to stay there and listen to me.

"No, my darling..." I murmur, "..._you_ don't know what the hell you want. And you're trying to give me the blame because _I'm_ the nutter."

He relases himself and spits the words. "Don't you fucking dare victimize your way out of this! If you don't fucking recall, I'm trying to fucking help you. But-"

"You're trying to help yourself. You want to fix what you don't like, not what I need."

For a moment we say nothing, staring at each other, trying to figure out how to go on.

"You need me to get rid of what I don't like." He says firmly.

"If that's so, if I _need_ it- why did we even stop?"

"Because you made me see you wanted to."

I immediatly turn away. "Oh, bullocks. I'm not even discussing that."

"Me neither- I'm fucking _out_ of here." I hear him say.

Here it is, the scaring moment I'm always avoiding to death. The reason why I don't speak my truth and hide my temper. Alright, maybe it _is_ worth it, but sinceraly I just can't stand it anymore. I can not reduce my life just so he won't leave. If really wants to go, it's just a matter of time- I can't stop time. Besides, if he's willing to risk our relationship every time he hears something he doesn't like- then he _should_ leave.

"If you walk out that door one more time- don't even bother coming back." I say, surprising him as well as myself. He turns to me and stares, waiting for me to regret- but I won't.

"_What_ did you just said? Cause you fucking know I will do it. So I'm giving you the chance to take it back or I'll take your word and fucking _disappear_."

"_Fine_- have a nice life."


	8. Try Again

**Chapter Eight: Try Again.**

I want to catch the words in the air and put them back in my mouth the minute I say them.

I don't _want_ him to leave. Neither can I let him hold back my feelings. I don't know what the hell to do. If he leaves, I have absolutely no excuse to get him back. If he leaves, I should have no reasons to _want _him back...

Curt widens his eyes in surprise, and parts his lips. He stares at me not believing what I just said, and silently take his coat.

_'Curt,'_I attempt to say, but I don't. I can't handle him leaving, but I can't handle the way things are now either.

I don't want to ask for forgiveness. I'm right this time- I need some self respect. He has me walking on thin ice, always.

_Ice. _Those once-glowing eyes are now ice. Not thin, though- but impossible to see through.

As irrational as this might be, I can't stop hearing the words caught in my throat.

_Don't go. Don't leave me._

"You do know I can't take _my _word back, right?" he snaps.

"I won't take mine either- so it's your pride against your love. And I think now we both know which one wins. I'm not kicking you out, you are."

If he leaves, I'll die right here, right now- but I would have respected myself.

"You won't take that back?"

I smile softly. "You don't _want _to leave."

He reacts violently, pushing me away. "You don't fucking know what I want!"

"I do," I continue, trying not to feel affected by the sudden gesture. "If you wanted to leave, you would be long gone by now. Believe me- I_ know _that."

He stares, a deep anger reflecting in his eyes. He opens his mouth attempting to say something, but remains silent.

"I got you. You don't want to leave, you want to stay with me. And even if you hate me right now for being so arrogant to you," I say, approaching him, "you respect me for it."

He turns away. "Don't you fucking lecture me."

That's it. He's not backing off... He can't take a step aside and realize we love each other and we should try to fix things instead of breaking them constantly. Why it is so hard for him to admit he wants to stay? Where's the embarrassment in admitting you love someone?

Should I keep trying? What for? He's probably keeping on insulting me and dismissing everything I say. There's no point in holding him back- if he wants to go I can't force him not to.

But I know him...and...all those insults, all those threats... are fake. He could be long gone by now and yet he doesn't even know what to say. If he doesn't want to go, then he should prove it- I'm sick of his boundless pride. It's not taking us anywhere.

Yes, I know I'm ill- I know I'm insufferable but he's not making things better either. Cause I try. I try to make up things by telling him how much I love him- because I really do. God I love him more than he can even imagine- and how less I care about anything else, but he keeps pushing me away and I... I can't go after him anymore. Yes, I love him- but I'm not that pathetic.

Jesus I cannot believe I'm actually going to do this...

"You know..." I swallow, and back off. "Why don't you just..." I can't say it.

"What?" He snaps.

God, could you please at least keep that tone down?

"Leave," I continue, my voice dry. "I'm not chasing you again, don't worry."

He turns to me again. "Are you serious?"

I guess I am...

"Yeah..." I don't dare look into his eyes, I may regret it. "I mean, there's not much to do anyway. And I already tried to think it is..." We remain silent for about two minutes. "I'm kind of tired."

He says nothing.

"So? Why aren't you leaving?" I pace all over the room, biting my nails . "Isn't that what you wanted? Didn't you tell me you would disappear?" He's not saying anything, and I'm terrified to look at him. "_Go_," I continue. "I'm letting you go without guilt." My voice begins to fade, the tears catch in my throat. "We tried."

"I told you it wouldn't work," he says softly.

Thank you for reminding me. I spy him on the corner of my eye- he's staring at the floor.

"I know, just..." Breath Brian, you have to do this. "Don't make it harder than it already is."

He looks up and my glance meet his. Those big shimmering eyes... searching for a lie.

How I wish I was lying...bluffing... But I'm really tired, this is just not going anywhere. We don't have a moment of peace, we don't laugh- we don't have pleasing moments. We're not handling things well right now...

"So... that's it?"

Yes! That's it! Could you please stop giving me hope by staring me in that heartbreakingly way that it totally takes my strength off my body? Of my mind? Of my very own heart?

I'm falling to pieces, I can't believe I'm even _thinking _this- but there's no way out.

"What's wrong with you?! Didn't you keep telling me it was the only way? I'm giving you the chance! Go!"

Get the hell out for God's sake, before I regret.

He makes a grimace of aversion, and stares at me quietly. He's not yelling, or cursing. But most important- _he's not leaving._

Curt... be honest- tell me the truth and we can try again.

"Tell me,"

He looks down. "What?"

"Tell me you _don't _want to leave." I approach him. "Cause... you're not."

"Not for now anyway." He answers quickly.

I sigh. "God, Curt- please be honest to me." I look him straight in the eye. "Stop threatening me! You can't leave! Otherwise why are you standing here, looking at me with those two pieces of heaven and craving for me to give you a reason to hide your bloody pride?"

He raises both eyebrows and then looks away, and looks for a cigarette in his coat.

"Shit, Brian," he hisses, lighting the cigarette. "Why do you always have to do this?"

"What do you mean?"

"You can't just say 'Get the fuck out of here, I don't wanna see you anymore' or something?" He takes a short drag. "No- you have to make the whole damned sentimental scene and the heartbreaking voice and stuff, and then say some kind of beautiful shit about my eyes. You can't just say 'I fucking hate you'? So I can punch you and leave instead of fucking shivering."

"I don't hate you- I love you."

"See?" He grins briefly while taking another drag. "Fucking pansy-ass." I smile softly. "Me too."

"I know..." I grin, leaning to kiss him.

He smiles, speaking over my lips. "You've always been such a girl."

"You already knew that," I whisper, trying to kiss him again.

He half smiles and backs off to suck on the cigarette, stares at me for a few seconds, and then leans his lips onto my ear.

"You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen."

_God._

Alright, don't start doing this… We're supposed to talk, and whispering in that ungodly sexy voice doesn't really help.

"We shouldn't," I warn him.

"What?" he asks, smiling and taking a new drag.

"You know..." I run a hand over my neck. "Tempt each other until we talk."

"I'm not tempting you." He grins again.

The bastard is teasing me.

"Yes, you are... Come on Curt, let's do things right. You said it- we'll fuck later."

"I'm not trying to fuck- I'm just telling you you're pretty." He finishes the cigarette, approaches me and speaks right onto my face, exhaling the smoke. "And fucking hot."

It can't be helped, you know? The smell of sex and cigarettes… The closeness of his body…

Don't get me wrong I'm not forgetting all my thoughts it's just… so hard to resist him. Especially when he's staring at me with that growing lust look…

"Curt-"

"Shut up," he orders, biting his bottom lip. His eyes darkening with a demonic smile.

I can't help but close my eyes, feeling how the tingles travel down my spine. Those two simple words shouldn't cause me such a strong reaction, should they? But it's the _way _he says it…revealing how anxious he really is, and at the same time telling me he has the control- it drives me insane.

"Let's go upstairs," he whispers, brushing our lips.

I shiver completely.

"Curt, please- we have to talk," I attempt to stop him one more time.

"We'll talk later- I promise."

We're now kissing softly, and every move of his smooth mouth is entrancing me in a dizzily aroused state, in which I'm no longer capable of controlling my instincts. He places his right hand in my chest, not breaking the kiss, and pushes me slowly until we hit the the couch as our lips begin to brush violently. He keeps pushing me and I'm now trapped under his body. I stroke his back and mess up his hair. He moans in response, kissing me harder- if that's even possible.

It's unbearable, irresistible- it takes away all my will power not to surrender to this beautiful creature and let him have his will. But again, how can I fight back with such a powerfully erotic creature, enticing me to improve his crescent lust?

"I-" I gasp.

"I promise," he answers before I can even ask him to remind we_ will_ talk after this, and leads his hand under my zipper while almost sucking my tongue.

It's not that I'm not enjoying it, but things should calm down a little- we just had a big fight.

"If we won't stop I think we...we should slow things down a bit..."

Curt stops, looking at me.

"Slow things down?" he says, but I know he's actually thinking 'You're fucking kidding me.'"

"Yes," I bite my lip.

"I can't do that."

"I think we should."

"Bullshit," he says, and kisses me so roughly I found it hard to follow.

I gasp in surprise and follow his warm lips, but I think we should calm down so I'm not gonna give up this easily. By the way, breaking Curt Wild's wild kiss? _Really _hard thing to do.

"Curt," I gasp. "I'm serious."

"I can't go fucking slow."

"Why not?"

"I just can't."

"Please, it's important to me."

"Alright." He sits up. He's upon my body, so this is not helping at all. I feel all his body weighting over mine and just...gets to me. Plus, the amazing close view of his naked chest...his flat sexy stomach...those pink nipples... "I'll calm down if you do something."

"What is that?"

"You shut up the whole time- your moans drive me nuts."

Jesus. Do you like that? You should hear me when I...No.

"Uhmm...Okay...I'll...I'll stop. You too."

My extremely breathy voice is probably not helping either. God, I'm dying for him to move upon me... Yes, to...rub his big, hard...NO.

"Okay, but you just did."

"No, I didn't."

Move, Curt...Move...

"You moaned the fucking words."

"I'm sorry- I can't..." I gulp. "Resist you."

Move…

"Yeah, that doesn't help."

I grin forcefully. "Sorry."

"Okay, just...don't talk, don't fucking moan, and don't gasp. I need you quiet-got it?"

I nod, shivering in anticipation.

"Alright, so...slow..." He leans to kiss me and _settles_ over me.

"Ohh… god."

"Brian…"

"Y...yeah...?"

"You know you're fucking ripping my head off now, right?"

"I... I...guess…"

"If you don't stop doing that I'll fucking rape you."

"Jesus."

"Yeah, so calm the fuck down."

"Alright..."

He settles on me again, and I'm doing good so far until he begins to kiss me and move upon me at the same pace- which is of course slow. And...Curt kissing me slowly while moving that way... Not so easy to handle.

His tongue exploring, trying to devour me little by little. My lips respond and my palm grasps his nape, grabbing his hair and adding pressure to our tongues' dance. Jesus- this _isn't enough. _The ungodly wet touch of his tongue scraping mine is making me reconsider what I just asked him- and the way his body is softly bumping against mine is beginning to exceed my holding ability.

"Brian… you're… fucking moaning..." he gasps- his chest heaving.

"You're panting…"

"Upstairs?"

"Yeah."

We stand up, kissing each other madly. We can hardly pull away to climb up the stairs.

When we're finally in the bedroom, he kisses me roughly until we hit the bed- I lay down and he sits next to me. Why isn't him over me rubbing all his gorgeous body against mine? Cause I'm a moron who asked him to slow things down- that's why.

His hand now travel**s**all the way from my leg into my thigh- slowly. He squeezes it as I bite my lip and breathe hard. My heart begins to race as I bite my index finger trying to surpass the torture he's subjecting me to. I swear to God- I'm not trying to provoke him. This is just the way I react.

"_Don'tfuckingdothat," _he growls, his voice extremely breathy. He grabs me hard by my hair, holds my hand against the mattress and mashes his mouth against mine one more time, pulling all my body against him.

Before I can react, his right hand is undoing my belt while he kisses me roughly. A series of incessant electric shocks jolting me, while the other hand is stroking my chest and grabbing and re grabbing my hair.

His heavy breath is turning into low moans against my lips. Raw, long moans. Christ...just hearing him causes me to moan myself. My breath quickening as the seconds pass by, my free hand tangling in the bedspread.

He pushes me back, just far enough to look at me- his eyes burn with hunger and desire. His lips swollen as a result of the violent kisses, his cheeks flushed with heat.

"This...isn't slow..." I gasp.

Curt slides his body down to the floor, and bends on his knees at the foot of the bed, placing each hand on my knees and pressing all the way up my thighs again.

"That's cause you're not shutting the fuck up," he says, staring straight into my eyes.

He unzips me and slips one finger under the waistband of my briefs, holding it as his eyes lock with mine again. Then, the beautiful blond leans his head between my legs, sliding my full length deep into his mouth.

_Jesus Fucking Christ._

I gasp considerably.

The antagonizing sensation of his slick mouth is driving me completely bloody mental. His head bobs back and forward, _squeezing_ his lips and sucking me in the _smoothest_ burning cave. I moan incessantly as his tongue plays all around the tip, just to suddenly pull me all down...Oh bleeding Christ- his _throat._

The more I moan, the more he speeds the pace. It seems to be a serious turn-on for him._  
_  
Mercifully, he stops the torturing motion and climbs up my body, kissing me fiercely and pushing me up the bed by my waist with one hand, downing my trousers with the other one. God, he's strong.

He flings away the clothing with a quick snap of his wrist and traps me under his body, kissing me while his breath quickens and sharp moans escape his lips, making me lose my already-fading common sense.

He flips my body over, leaving me on my stomach and runs his hands all the way my waist up my shoulders. I keep biting my lip until it bleeds, when I feel his moist body naked behind me- his breath deepening in my ear. "You're so fucking beautiful."

"Gohd," escapes involuntary from my mouth.

He silences me, pressing his hand against my mouth. "I'm not fucking saying it again. _Shut-up_," he growls, sending a shock of adrenaline through my body.

I swallow hard.

He settles himself over my lower back, and I can feel how his cock- already slippery- is sliding between my cheeks.

As I'm struggling with this eager feeling, this continues for about two minutes and becomes absolutely unbearable. I want to ask 'What are you exactly waiting for, prick?!'- but I must stay quiet.

He moans softly as he continues rubbing the burning boner, forcing me to picture the actual thing, drowning me in an anxiously irrepressible desire of being pummeled through the bloody bed- and then he leans his body down and whispers harshly: "You must be dying here."

As a matter of fact, teasing bastard- _I am_.

I shut my eyes and nod, slightly annoyed- not that this isn't turning me on, though. How long do you plan on doing this, Wild?! You can't give me _just _this- it isn't enough but it's not manageable either.

Trying to get to feel this a little bit more, I lift my hips up the bed- forcing him to grip them and add more pressure to his torturous motion.

Is just then, when I feel one of his hands reaching for my- _Oh sweet Jesus!_- he's softly, enticingly, perfectly pumping me and completing the torture until I'm finally in the delicious pre-climax moment. But I was a moron just thinking that for one moment Curt Wild would allow me to finish the torture he's subjecting me to.

Flipping me over yet again, he leans for a particularly wet, sexy kiss. And judging the way he's roughly sticking his tongue in my throat, I can feel he's almost as aroused as I am- maybe more.

Stroking my chest and squeezing my legs, the desperate kiss continues when I feel an irrepressible need of taking the man over my body and making him feel what he's doing to me.  
For a moment it seems to be my own desire- which is unusual- but as long as I hear the voice in my head I can easily realize this isn't _my _way to go. Oh god, why now?

_Stand up._

What the hell are you doing here?! You don't _want _him, you told me to leave him!

_And you didn't- too bad. Now he's losing his common sense, I could use that._

NO! I promise him I'd stop you. Get the fuck out of here!

_Come on, Brian- It would be fun. Think about it... Did you see what slowing and stopping at the right moment does to him? I could show you... You don't want to miss that, do you?_

N-Not really...I mean- I don't care! Get out.

_How do you feel now? How makes you feel his hands all over your body? His tongue now diving into your mouth leaving you immobile... How does that feel?_

Uhhmm...g-good, I guess. But-

_Just good, Brian? It feels overwhelmingly delicious...doesn't it? His power over you, making you feel possessed..._

Y-y-yes.

_Now imagine how exquisite would be having Curt Fucking Wild in that particular state... Craving you, craving for you to do him right here and right now. Eager, as ever- but worse. Can you __**imagine **__that? Can you picture that dirty mouth begging you to tear him apart?_

Oh my-

_What would he say, Brian? Something in a low voice, quite tense and shaky like : 'Oh, for fuck's sake. Stop bitching around and just do it-_ _fuck my brains out, Slade.'_

Christ.

_But you won't do it, cause he's gonna have to beg you. You will tease him until you see that desperate look that would drive you completely insane- you don't want to miss it, __**believe me**__. Shaking in the mix of fury of being controlled and wanting to stop it, and the adrenaline of being subjected to that... It's mind blowing, and would make you want more...so much more... You __**know**__ how responsive Curt is..._

Y-yeah, I do...

_But you have no remote idea of how responsive is when he's playing bottom, do you?_

I guess not...

_Let me show you._

But-

_Come on, Brian. Just let me make you give him pleasure, you can't say no to that..._

Just pleasure?

_Just? Lots of it..._

God...do it.

_Gladly._

My body flips him over with a strength I had no record of using ever. I pull away, staring at him.

I touch his lips and then see his surprised and amused look,_ "Why don't you keep showing me what you can do with those warm lips of yours..." _I wrap his waist.

Curt eyes studies me for a moment, and then he replies.

"Wow." He bites his lip. "You're changing roles, Slade," he says, running a hand up my neck and leaning his lips to kiss me.

He hasn't noticed it isn't me, right?

"_Wrong, Wild,"_ I interrupt him. "_This have always been my role, and you know it better than anyone else..."_

His face hardens. He backs up a little and and looks at me, trying to figure things out.

"B-Brian?" He frowns in worry.

He doesn't want this- I've changed my mind!

_Too late, now watch._

"_Try again."_

A scared expression crosses Curt's face. _Marvelous..._

_"Yes__**.**__"_

He glares and pushes me away violently, standing up completely away from me.

"Didn't I make myself fucking clear the last time?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" he yells, trying to leave the bedroom.

I press my back against the door, bracing my hands on either side of the frame, blocking his escape. I lean forward to brush my lips against his ear before grazing his jaw. _"You don't really want to go, do you?" _I whisper, barely caressing his lips with mine. It's not really a question, though. He's not going anywhere, and we both know it.

Curt stares at me with anger- slowly backing away until he backs himself into the closet door with a soft thump, causing him to close his eyes for a moment and jump slightly. When he opens his eyes again, his expression has changed- a smouldering glint burns in the pale blue orbs.

I hover close while he remains quiet, obviously waiting for me to continue- but the moment I lean to kiss those trembling lips, he turns his head and pushes me away, still quiet.

_"Running won't help you- you __**know **__it's all part of the game." _I point out, suddenly taking his wrists and holding them up his head.

His eyes widens as he struggles, but I'm stronger. I press him against the door as I lead to whisper enticingly in his ear. _"It's been __**so **__long since the last time I fucked you, hasn't it?" _His eyelids drop closed for a minute as my warm breath touches his skin. Where's your resistance now, slag?

Then, he tries to push me away one more time- but I'm just getting closer. _"Don't be pathetic." _I chide.

He glares at me with disgust, but the desire is still burning in his eyes, which means I'm on the right track. Not that it surprises me, though- I'm _always _on it.

"You're the pathetic one here, trying to turn me on and getting nothing- fucking sad, huh?" he snaps, defying me.

_"That's it?" _I grin arrogantly.

He frowns, deliciously upset. "What the fuck are you talking about_?" _I love to make him angry- it's such an enjoyable show. The rage suits him just fine.

"_That's your way to ask me to try harder? Bland, Wild- you used to do __**so **__much better."_

I kiss him roughly, my tongue dancing over the entirety of his mouth, biting and sucking, _fighting _a reaction from him. He moans, trying to break the kiss, but I mash my mouth hard against his and he responds violently biting my lip so hard that it makes me bleed. I _love _it.

_"_How about this?" he begins, releasing himself from my grip, "Next time I'll bite your dick off."

God, you're so easy.

_"Is that an invitation?"_ I grin wickedly.

"You and your fucking games," he snaps, "Do you really think they have an effect on me?"  
I take him by his waist in a sudden movement- his eyes widen with surprise. "_You__** know**__ they have."_

"I want Brian back," he says trying to sound steady, but he doesn't.

"_Really? Brian is boring... He isn't even capable of performing half of the moves I use with you..." _I whisper in his ear- I'm not surprised he hasn't backed me away by now. He's _so_ falling for it.

"He is," he lies. I feel him against me, he's so... so hard- he wants me to do this...

"_Sure?" _I brush my lips against his cheek while I speak. _"Tell me the last time Brian tied you down to the bed and make you shiver in agony without fucking you..._" I bite his lobe.

He swallows hard- blushes, and involuntary bites his lip. His look is smouldering behind those heavy lids, which I know is one of the most crystal clear signals of Curt is already drown.

That's it, blond- surrender...

"_Tell me the last time..." _I continue, while my hand travels all the way his waist up his nape- pushing him against me. I speak emphasizing every bloody word, showing him this way my teeth every time I raise my lips lustily. "..._Brian drove you so insane with the dirty talk that you came before he even touched you."_

He exhales a short, breathy moan that even sends tingles down_ my_ spine.

"_And then tell me how you felt feeling him __**inside**__ you...finally...after all that exceptional deliciously teasing..._" He gasps, considerably.

"_You bloody well fucking __**exploded**__, Wild. You couldn't even take a minute_." I bite his lip and then kisses him.

He kisses me back, _of course_ he does- not daring to move his hands upon me but desperately mashing his mouth against mine while his body shakes. When we finally pull away, I look at his overheated expression- his slightly furrowed brow, his mouth twisted with eagerness. His chest moving up and down, agitated- and his eyes are burning intensely.

"_So you can't __**touch **__me, because that would be betrayal- but you can French kiss me with such a fervour than can make you come right away,"_ I say mockingly.

He takes a deep breath- probably trying to calm down in vane- and then stares at me. After biting his lip, he grabs me by my hair-which I'm not allowing him to do more than once- and speaks harshly onto my mouth.

_"_Shut up and fuck me."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**Could you please, _please_, tell me what you think? And again, thank you to Mychelle in Wonderland for always revewing and taking time to express your opinion- I would really like you to do the same with this chapter :)**

**And thanks to ChinaWolf, my new reader. Welcome! And feel free to express what you think too! **


	9. No Longer a Memory

**Chaper Nine: No Longer a Memory**

Curt is not an easy prey, even if I claim so. He's complicated. I tend to manipulate bottoms because they're so much vulnerable than tops, but I'm not really that sure about him. He seems to enjoy being manipulated from the rage- from the knowledge of being treated in a way he naturally doesn't prefer. I would say he's a masochist but he's far from it...

I think he's caught between being tired of having control , and the rush of adrenaline it gives him to be treated the way he likes to treat targets. But you see, when that's the case you have to be really careful to not cross the line. These people tend to feel guilty and you have to work on that from the right angle, otherwise they rebel. Loyalty and all the moral concepts I find completely irrelevant- let alone idiotic.

Anyway, is not that Curt's bed preference isn't really _that_ important. Sex is my cheapest resource. I'm not a moron- I know it's quite a limited one. I also know it's reaching its limit, but for now it's fine. I need him to think that's the only way I have. Put his real defenses down, and then make my move.

I take him by his waist, and brush his body against mine evoking an exquisite moan.

_"Not so fast, Wild. You know I enjoy the foreplay."_

"Motherfucker," he says, fighting his own reactions. "Why don't you just do it?!"

_"I'm not Brian, you can't make __**me**__ eager," _I whisper with a half grin on my face.

"I'm not trying to-" He stops and releases himself from my grip. "Shit- you_ are _Brian." He stares at me, quietly studying my face.

How many times do I have to say it? Stupid bitch.

"_No, I'm not."_

"Yes you are- you're the same person."

_"Why are you so obsessed with him?" _I ask, starting to get pissed off.

"I'm not fucking obsessed- I love the man," he says firmly.

_"Oh, you love the man!" _I repeat, mocking him. "_Did by any chance Brian turn you into some kind of pussy or what? Alright- do you want Brian? I'll play Brian..."_

"What the fuck are you even-"

I take him by the back of his neck and press him against my body yet again.

_"Curt, please stop..." _I moan in imitation of him, pretending to back down. _ "Stop it..."_ I close my eyes as if I were shuddering. "_Come on honey..."_ I bite my bottom lip and gulp hard. "_God..."_ I practically gasp, "..._I'm too bloody vulnerable, don't do this to me..."_

His eyes widen huge, raising both eyebrows while biting his lip. "Fuck."

"_I-I'm... I'm not sure about this- I mean... y-you told me we needed to talk and... Uhhm.. You know... I can't actually resist you..."_ I continue, making a perfect performance, and then can't help but show a crooked smile.

"Shit. You're sick," he whispers, completely agitated.

"_For sure." _I kiss him, continuing my act by looking at him as if I weren't sure and waiting for him to kiss me back, staring at his lips.

He kisses me quickly. "Stop fucking staring."

_"Uhh... I'm sorry."_

He stares for a moment, and then shakes his head. "This is so fucked up," he says, moving away and trying to regain his composure. "Faking Brian, I mean- why don't you just let him be and that's it?"

"_It's not that simple, maybe that's too much to for a bimbo."_

He approaches me and pins me to the wall. "Who the _fuck_ you think you are? You _psycho motherfucker."_ He looks me dead in the eye, his burning with hate.

"_I'm the one that can say all sorts of things and you'll still fall for,"_ I half smile, studying him. "_If you rather be top, I can get used."_

"Shut the fuck up- _stop _fucking playing. How long do you plan to stay, huh?"

I'm going to rip your head off, Wild. I try to be nice but you keep defying me.

"_Just enough- I'm getting close." _I lean to kiss him. "_Can I, honey?"_

He releases me, shocked and confused. "FUCK! Stop!" he yells, throwing everything upon the nightstand.

"_Oh... Don't get mad, baby. I'm just trying to kiss you...I know I'm supposed not to, but it's just a kiss." _I approach him.

He holds his head, wincing. "I can't take this." He whispers. "I just can't, y-y-you'll kill me," he stammers.

_"What, Wild?" _I resume my own voice, whispering in his ear. "_The fact that you've been cheating on the real Brian, or the fact that you are __**dying**__ to do it once more?"_

"THAT'S IT!"

* * *

"Ouch!" I wince, touching my sore lip. I discover it's bleeding and I'm laid on the floor.

"_Listen_ to me, you _wicked twisted sick fucker_. Get the fuck _out_ of here before I beat the _shit_ out of you_. Got it_?!"

Curt?!

"Honey! No! It's me!" I yell, quickly standing up.

"STOP IT!" he yells, coming to me and taking me by my jaw. "Fucking _stop_ it or I swear to God I'm fucking _killing _you!"

His eyes are the ones of a madman. Someone who's completely freaked out and nothing will stop him. I'm feeling genuinely scared. I have fought with him countless times, and yet I've never seen him this angry. What the hell happened?!

"Curt! Please!" I squeak, squinting while his fist is coming onto my- oh dear God no! "No no no no! God please, please honey," I sob "Don't hurt me, God, please, _please_!" I break into tears.

"Brian?" He stops.

"Yes!" I cry.

I'm so bloody scared, Jesus. I'm trembling.

"Shit!" He backs down and then comes to me, I attempt to cover myself until I feel him hugging me. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"What happened?" I stammer, whipping the tears with my finger.

"Jeez, Brian..." He hugs me harder. "You won't fucking believe it." He tries to kiss me but it hurts like hell.

"Ouch, no! Ouch!" I wince.

He backs down "Fuck- sorry, sorry."

"That's alright- I need ice."

"Sure," he says quickly. "I'll get you some."

"Alright," I answer, still quite freaked out.

He's heading for the door and suddenly turns to me. "I'll explain everything, I didn't want to hit _you."_

"Ice, Curt!" I wince again.

He storms downstairs.

I sit down the bed. Alright, calm down. He didn't beat me on purpose, did he? Remember! What's the last thing you remember? We were downstairs on the couch and then we climbed up and we were in bed, and he- _OH! Demon! _ He hit _him!_ Oh dear Lord, this is not going to end up well. I'm such a bloody stupid useless moron. I told him to do it...

But then why didn't he stop when he saw me pleading?

"Here it is," Curt says returning to the bedroom, with a big ice wrapped in a napkin in his right hand.

I try to take it. "Thanks."

"No." He takes the ice and carefully brushes it against my lip. It obviously hurts. "Let me." He sits next to me.

"Thank- ouch!"

Jesus, it's much more swollen than a minute ago.

"Don't talk, idiot," he says, smiling.

I grin, and it also hurts. But all the tension is gone.

"Just stay still."

I stare at him, trying to tell him I want to know that the hell happened.

"You are sure you want to hear this?"

Hell- I do! I nod.

"Well... basically he manipulated me as he _always _does and...yeah, that didn't really work out."

Alright..._and_ _then? _I nod again.

He looks at me and quickly turns his head. ""Well, he...shit. It was so fucking _sick_."

_What_ was sick? I open my eyes as much as I can so he knows I'm desperate to know.

He grins, staring. "You're damn pretty."

I can't help but smile and wince at the same time. Then let him know I want to hear the rest.

"Okay... Basically, he pretended to be you."

_Huh?_

"Like... you. Like the real you."

I don't understand. I frown.

"Like..." He settles on the bed. "He pretended to be you, Brian- not Demon, Brian." He points at me. "So when you told me not to hit you I thought it was him fucking acting."

"Wow." I wince, and then grin because of how stupid I am, and it hurts again.

He laughs, and takes the ice off of my lip.

"You're dumb- you know that?" he says with a grin on his face, somehow trying to comfort me. I want to smile back, but can't. "I can't believe I hit you." He stares at my mouth and then looks up. His beautiful eyes show such a sadness...

I _need _to speak.

"Hand me a notepad," I say with difficulty, pulling the ice off.

He does, just the notepad. I look at him crooking my head as if I was saying "What am I supposed to write with?"

He smiles teasingly, and hands me the pen.

* * *

_'DON'T FEEL BAD, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.'_

* * *

He grins. "It is- I should have known."

* * *

_'HOW WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO? JUST LET IT GO. I'M SLEEPY.'_

* * *

"Yeah, me too- it's almost morning."

* * *

_'I LOVE U.'_

* * *

"Me too." He smiles beautifully.

* * *

'_KISS ME.'_

* * *

"It will hurt."

* * *

_'I DON'T CARE.'_

* * *

He does, really carefully posing his lips on mine, shutting his eyes. He's so beautiful. I dress up with my pyjamas and handhim the bottom part- cause I know that's the only one he use.

I turn off the light, and he lies down. I lay next to him with my hand over his chest, and try to sleep. After half an hour, I'm still awake. But at least my lip doesn't seem to hurt that much anymore.

"Curt," I whisper. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah, shut up- I'm trying to sleep."

I turn my head to him. "I can't." I turn on the light on the nightstand.

"Me neither but- Brian! Shit," he hisses while squinting. "Now I fucking won't."

"I'm sorry." I look at him. "Let's do something..." I say while leaning to his neck. He instantly backs away. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just..." He runs a hand through his hair. "I don't think we should keep doing this anymore..."

"Be together?" I look at him, concerned.

"No, no. I mean... this... constantly seduce each other and stuff."

"Oh..." I sit up.

"Yeah, I kind of figured out that we've been skipping problems by doing it. You told me the same, we even fought about that."

"The talk, you mean."

"Yeah."

"Plus... I'm a bit scared," he says, downing his head and then looking up to me.

"About what?"

"Well Brian... I _hit _you today- I don't think I can risk that happening again."

"So, by keeping our hands off of each other it won't?"

"Exactly."

"I'm willing to, but I don't really understand how."

He sits up, and stares at me.

"Demon uses sex and fights to come in, right?"

"I guess..."

"So, it's obvious that we shouldn't fight anymore- and we know that. But we skip every fucking fight-"

"With sex."

"Yeah."

"But..." He looks at me warning me that this is serious. "No no, I get it. But we just had sex like... once."

"Huh? Are you-"

"No, no- listen. We had sex when we got back together and then we _tried_ like a million times but we ended up fighting so we didn't really do it."

He looks away, and nods. "Yeah, that's true."

"Yes, I'm not refuting your theory- I'm just saying."

"Yeah, but anyway. I think that would help a lot to get through this."

"So... you're saying that if we don't distract ourselves, we'll work everything out."

"Exactly."

"Alright, do you want to watch a film?" I ask, taking his hands.

"A film?"

"Yes, we're awake- we can't have sex. It's too late and too early to go out, and I need something to distract myself from how gorgeous and sexy you are..."

"Not easy for me, either," he replies in a low voice, and leans his lips to me. We kiss _really_ softly.

I stare at him, brushing my lips and extending a hand to approach him by the back of his neck. He closes his eyes, and I suddenly back down and take a deep breath. "Alright- film then?"

"Yeah, alright." He lays down on the bed.

"Good." I stand up and go for the library where I keep all my films. "Have you ever seen 'Breakfast at Tiffany's?"

He frowns. "What's Tiffany's?"

"Curt, you're American."

"So?"

"It's most famous jewelry store there!"

"And you really think I know about jewelry? Fuck off- the only piece of jewerly I've seen in my life is that brooch you gave me."

Oh, wow... I totally forgot about it. I don't know if I should ask this but...

"Do you still have it?"

He grins shyly. Oh my God, he does.

"Of course- I carry it all the time," he mutters softly.

"Really?"

"Yeah... it's in my coat."

Now... Curt is the only person in the world that can constantly surprise me. With that sensitivity he claims not to have, with the tenderness and sweetness that he hides from me and everyone else...

He didn't throw the keys away, and neither the brooch. Well, anyone is capable not to care enough to throw memories away by making a dramatic scene- which I did. But keeping a memory of someone you don't see any more and actually carrying it with you, is just... something that a stereotypical lover like me would never do.

For me is all about the drama and the strong feelings that comes with it. All about how much it hurts or how nostalgic I feel. For him, on the other hand, is about the main, real, truthful feeling that caused it all.

For him, is simply about love.

Curt Wild -who claims to be wicked and reckless- is in fact honest, and pure. The most pure creature I've ever met. And why is that? Because he ignores it.

"I can't believe you kept that..."

"It's a wonderful memory, there's no point on throwing memories away."

Were you just reading my mind?

"Thank you for keeping it," I whisper.

His eyes shift to me, he remains in silence for a minute. "Well..." He downs his head and immediately looks up, his eyes shimmering. "It's no longer a memory."

"No, it's not..." I head for the bed, sit down and caress his cheek while smoothing his hair. He smiles widely, in that way that rips my heart. Curt's smile is so... unique. There's no one in the world that could smile so sincerely. And that mole raising on his cheek. God...he's stunning.

"Anyway," he continues, oblivious. "The bottom line is that I'm not watching a movie about rich people having breakfast."

I wide smile crosses my face. Talk about honesty- he just melted my heart and didn't even noticed it.

"So choose something else."

"What?" I ask, drown in the most blissful feeling.

"Choose another movie," he repeats, standing up.

"Alright," I go after him, and resume the searching, "What about Grease?"

He comes to me and takes the tape. "I'm also not watching a movie of a bunch of gay people singing and dancing around."

"So you saw it."

"Shut up- the leather jacket guy was kind of hot." He starts to look through the tapes.

I smile in disbelief. "Oh my- you fancy John Travolta?!"

"I what?"

"Like- you like him."

"Oh, yeah."

I look at him in desbelief, he deadpans. "What?"

"Oh, come on Curt! He's such a cliché!"

He looks at me, smiling. "At least he's not a fancy guy who watches breakfast in fucking jewelry stores and uses words like 'cliché.' Is that fucking French? You're lucky I still like you."

"Please tell me I'm prettier than John Travolta."

He kisses me. "By a mile."

I grin. "Good."

He picks up a film. "Rocky! Let's watch it," he says, opening the tape's box.

"Oh, that's not my film- some bloke rented it and left it here."

"Bloke?"

"A man."

"A guy."

"Yes."

He turns to me. "Which guy?"

I blush. "Some guy..." I say softly, starting to pick up tapes and open their cases in nervousness.

Please don't ask me, please don't ask me, please don't ask me.

"Some guy you fucked."

Fuck.

I hide behind the tape. "Probably..."

"Oh no, sorry- some guy that fucked you," he says smiling.

I gulp. "I guess..."

"I'm not surprised."

"Hey... I'm not that easy." I say, still not looking at him.

I mean, alright I didn't really _know _the bloke but... he seemed nice. And it's not that he just came to me and said 'Hi, do you want to fuck with me?' And I said 'Alright!' He offered to buy me a coffe- well, I think that's the same- and I didn't _exactly_ refuse... Just... took my time to say yes.

"I meant the movie is not yours."

"Oh." I smile.

"But yes, you are," he says grinning.

"Hush- do you want to watch it?"

"Yeah! Didn't you watch it already?"

"No."

"So you and the guy didn't watch the movie."

Well, maybe I just played with him a bit and _then_ said yes...

I look away. "No..."

"So why did you rent the movie again? Oh! The movie was the excuse. Got it."

Alright, he said 'May I buy you a coffee?' I replied 'My place.' But in my defense, he was scorching hot.

"Let's just see the film."

"Movie."

"Film."

"_Movie_."

"_Film_."

"'Film' is wrong. It's a fucking verb," he snaps.

"A film," I begin. "Is a cinematographic representation of a story, episode or event- while a movie it's a moving-picture show, or a cinema. So 'movie' is wrong."

"Snob."

I grin complacently. "It's only proper."

"Shut up."

We start watching it. And everything's fine until the fight scene.

Curt's screaming to the telly like a madman. "C'mon! Punch him already! The black guy is a fucking truck, you won't beat him by punching him on his fucking back!"

I'm completely horrified watching how deformed Stallone's face is turning."Oh dear Lord, get off of him!" I cover my eyes.

"Brian, there's not even fucking blood."

"Jesus, look at his face!" I attempt to see. "Oh my God." I close my eyes.

"Fucking pussy."

"Yes, I'm a pretty lady- take it off."

"No, I fucking _won't_- go read a love book or something."

"Alright."

I actually do, I started to read 'Pride and Prejudice' again so it's a good time to finish it. I go downstairs to  
read it.

A few minutes later, Curt comes down.

"It's over."

I smile. "Already?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sleepy now?"

"Not really."

"Good! Now I get to choose the film."

"Oh shit."

"It's fair."

"I know."

We go up the bedroom and I search for 'The Fiddler on the Roof.' We start watching it.

Now there's something this movie always moved in me. Even if I'm no longer catholic, I was all my childhood and this kind of things really strike me. The scene when Tevye asks God 'What would have been so terrible if I had a small fortune?' I always think... If you exist... Why did you make me so unhappy as a child? To the point that I had to become something else not to suffer...

What would have changed in all your mystic plan for the world to make me a little less miserable? To have given me a friend, someone that could comfort me... My family always filled their mouths speaking about being good to you and appreciate all you give us. They talked constantly about love and taking care of each other. However, they left me on my own. I didn't receive any of the love they claimed.

Did they give it to you?

Was that reason their hearts were hollow? Did they spend it all on you? Could you be so selfish? To let a little boy without any glimpse of affection?

And why did you left such a pure creature like Curt at the mercy of such bad people... Why did you make him so miserable he had to poison himself to forget?

Why did you make us so lonely?

So we could find each other? I'd like to think that's the reason. Otherwise, if I believed in you. I'll never forgive you. Maybe you deprived me of love so I could feel it all at once when I met him... But how can you recognize love if you never had it before? How am I now sure that the strong attachment I feel for him it's actually love? And how could I ever give happiness to someone if I didn't have it first? And why would you make me find such a damaged creature I'm not capable of helping? Did you count on that?

Did you fail?

Wouldn't that be the first time, would be?

You left all people on their own, bloody well knowing that the human _you_ created is _not _ready for it. And instead of helping us, you just watch us kill each other for the most worthless sin...you're a monster. Or maybe you just don't care... Or- and this is the most likely option- you just don't exist.

A tear rolls down my cheek. "Jesus, I can't believe they actually had to leave," I say while the movie is finishing. "Don't you think?"

"Hmm?" he asks, _sleepy._

"Curt! You didn't watch it!"

He suddenly wakes up. "No no I did!" He cleans the sleep off his eye. "They guy left."

"Oh really? Which guy?"

"Uhh...the Jewish one."

"They're all Jewish."

"Whatever- I'm finally sleepy."

"Hey! You said you liked the 'If a Were a Rich Man' performance."

"The song scene?" I nod. "Yeah, I did. But I was just about to fall asleep and this movie isn't exactly entertaining."

"'Bored as fuck' you want to say?"

He grins. "Yeah, but must be one of those great movies only really smart sensitive people like you get."

I lean to him and caress his cheek. "I'm sure you'd do."

"Don't be so sure."

"What did you get off the little part you've actually seen?"

"Well.. not that much but basically... society is just seriously fucked up."

"That's all about it." I grin.

He smiles, settles in the bed, and seems to fall asleep.

"Good night, honey." I turn off the light, and lay down next to him.

He rolls over to face me, and gives me the sweetest kiss. "Good night, handsome." And rolls over again.

I grin stupidly. It's the very first time he has called me by a pet name.

"Brian," he whispers.

"Yes?"

"Tomorrow _I'm_ picking the movie."

I chuckle. "Film."

"Shut up."

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**To ChinaWolf and Mychelle in a Wonderland, no! Thanks to ****_you! _****Alright, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I wanted to show them released. Just having a good time. They hadn't so far :) **


	10. Facing The Truth

**Chapter Ten: Facing The Truth**

By the time Curt wakes up, I'm already having breakfast in the kitchen table. Tea, orange juice, toast, eggs, sausage, cherry tomatoes, and some beans. For Curt I've made bacon, scrambled eggs and coffee.

Curt comes down, squinting his eyes, running into at least three pieces of furniture- cursing them, of course- and then comes to me to plant a brief lovely kiss on my lips.

"Hi, honey," I greet him.

He sits down at the table. The sun rays highlights the colour of his eyes, lighting the magnificent colour turning it into sky-blue.

"I forgot where things were is this fucking huge house," he complains, his voice scratchy. Then he yawns, which is maybe one the most adorable things you could ever see. "Hi, handsome," he says while scratching his head, and smiles at me. "Look at you, all dressed up."

Jesus... I can hardly believe we're actually having breakfast together again, as a_ couple._ I missed this so much.

"I'm a fucking mess," he continues.

"A beautiful mess." I say while setting his plate in front of him and pouring some coffee. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah," he says while standing up, heading for the couch and looking in his coat. "Where the fuck did I-" He finds the cigarettes and shoves one on his lips. Then comes back to the table, lights the cigarette and takes a long deep drag, shutting his eyes softly, as he was breathing fresh air. A few seconds later, he looks at me. "You?"

"Deeply," I reply.

He stares at my mouth. "How's that lip?" He leans to touch it.

"Much better, thank you."

He smiles. "Good." He stares at my plate for a second. "I'll never understand how you can eat beans at breakfast."

I look up to him. "The same way you can smoke while you eat- habit, I think."

He raises his fork. "Thanks, by the way."

"My pleasure." I take a sip of my tea. "Now," I begin, "there's something we should do."

"Yeah." He nods while taking a mouth full of eggs. "The talk."

I resume my tea and nod.

"It has to be now? I just woke up, I can't think straight."

I wipe my lips with a napkin and lean to cup his jaw. "I know," I say softly. "but you know we should finish it as soon as possible."

"Yeah, right." He takes a bite of bacon. "I'm listening."

"Alright. First, I want to talk about what we decided last night." He frowns. "I mean... How many time lasts this..."

"Stop-fucking deal."

I chuckle. "Yes- just so I know."

"Don't know really," he begins while posing his lips on the edge of his cup. "I didn't really think it through. Just an idea, like... preventive."

"Well, we probably should, because I don't think we're the kind of couple than can adjust to preventive things so simply," I point out taking a bite of beans with a tiny grin on my face.

He takes a puff of nicotine and smiles, looking at me with complicity. "True." He exhales the smoke slowly and squints his eyes against the blur. "What's your idea?"

"I think yours is good. It makes sense," I say, dipping the toast in the eggs. "But we need a period of time or something. Rules, I don't know." I bite the toast.

He raises an eyebrow while grinning. "Rules?" He finishes his bacon.

"Yes," I drink some orange juice. "What we're are allowed to do, and what we're not."

He chuckles.

"Kissing, for instance."

"I think we're allowed to fucking_ kiss_," he says while putting the cigarette out and lighting a new one.

"I know that, but I mean-"

"Tongue and stuff?"

"Yes." I smile

"Well." He takes a drag and shift his eyes to me. "As long as we don't get too enthusiastic about it, I think we'll be fine."

"So you don't get enthusiastic at all," I mock him with a half smile on my face.

He chuckles. "Shut up! _You're _the whore around here."

"_Moi_?" I pose a hand over my chest in mock offense.

He grins. "Yeah, I'm just weak."

"Yeah," I say sarcastically. "Weak..."

"Are you implying something?"

"Uhh...Perhaps the fact that you're a mean provocative bastard?" I say while staring at him.

"Maybe I am. But damn, man- you could easily get horny by reading Little Red Riding Hood."

"Only if you play the wolf."

He laughs. "See what I mean? You can relate literally _everything_ with sex."

"Well... yes, but what if I'm not doing anything at all and you come on to seduce me? That wouldn't be my fault, right?"

"Yes it would."

"Why?"

"Because you're too hot. Not my fault."

"Then I've the right to say you're the most exquisite creature that ever has put a foot on earth, and that's not my fault either."

He chuckles. "Nah, you're sexier by a mile."

"You have to be _joking!_ Thin, blond, blue eyes, angel face, and rock-star attitude? You're living fantasy."

"Yeah but I don't have _those _lips, _huge_ eyes, perfect face, insanely good body- I mean, are you hand-sculpted or something? Plus, super sexy accent. Are you kidding me? Shit. You're a _knock out_." He bites his bottom lip.

I gulp softly. "Maybe, but your beauty is unique. Mine is stereotyped."

He takes a drag. "Fuck stereotypes- you're such a babe. _And_ the Glam Rock queen- I'm fucking the Glam Rock queen!" he laughs while resting both hands on the table.

"And I'm doing Curt Wild. Do you have any idea of how many times I dreamt about it since I saw you that time on the stage?"

"Jeez, I was so high back then."

I stare at him, biting my lip. "I don't care... you were...lethal. The leather pants, the oil, the glitter...that thing you did with your tongue?" I shut my eyes, remembering every detail. "Fuck."

"This gotta be the first time I hear you say fuck, ever."

"I know," I say, holding my quickening breath.

"You liked _this_?"

And he does it. Never, and I mean _ever- _saw him doing it since that time. The memories flew quickly back into my mind. All those things that crossed my mind for months until I could reach him. All those nights I spend rewinding that image over and over in my head. And now, out of nowhere, he dares to rekindle my fantasies while he's _in front _of me?

I swear to God I almost fall from my chair.

"We're..." I swallow, and try to regain my composure. "We're not supposed to do this."

"Do what?"

I'm going to punch him.

"You know..."

He frowns for a second, and then laughs. "Oh- no, I'm not trying to do anything. Just making sure that was the thing- don't really remember what I used to do- that's all."

"You _really_ didn't mean to turn me on?" I look at him skeptically.

He grins playfully. "Maybe a little."

I open my mouth slightly and smile in disbelief. "Bastard."

"I'm sorry, babe." My eyes fly huge as a wide smile crosses my face. "Oh_, shit_." He finishes the cigarette. "See? I do _one _pet name, the next I know is that I sound like a goddamned pussy."

"Oh no!" I take his hand with a big grin on my face. "I love it, please don't stop it- it melts my heart."

"Okay, but never gonna do that kind of expressions," he mocks me, smiling.

I stare at those beautiful blue pools. "I love you so much."

"Me too."

I lean to kiss him softly. "Alright," I say backing down and standing up. "I'll wash the dishes, maybe later we can go out for a while, what do you think? Have lunch, maybe go to the cinema later?" I ask, while clearing the table. I'm really excited. It's been so long since we go out, and now I need everything that we used to do to finally feel we're back together for real.

"Sure, then I'll have to go to my place. It's Monday and I have to pack- gotta fly to New York next week."

"What for?"

"I've got a show there, I think- just two days."

"Why don't you spend the week here until you leave?"

"Huh?"

"I just got you back...I'll miss you."

He grins shyly and then looks at me. "Are you sure? A whole week, already?"

"You can always go back to your flat if you want," I point out while taking the plates into the sink.

"Okay, we can try," he says, to my joy.

I turn to him. "Thank you."

"Thank _you- _it's _your_ house." He finishes his breakfast.

"I'm thanking you for staying." I lean on the table.

"No need- I do cause I want to." He kisses me quickly and stands up to climb up the stairs. "I'm taking a shower."

"Alright." I turn on the water of the kitchen sink.

He climbs down and then comes to me."No, wait- I need to tell you something."

"Alright." I put on the rubber gloves and begin to wash the plates.

He sits on the kitchen counter, near the sink. "Well-" He looks at my hands frowning. "What happened to the the dishwasher?"

I laugh. "It broke, and I never really took the time to fix it."

"Call someone."

"That's what I meant." I grin without looking at him.

"Oh, okay- that's not what I wanted to say anyway."

"What was that, then?"

"I kinda have a... confession to make."

Confession?

"Alright..." I say while continuing my task.

"It's not easy to say...but I've been thinking about it since I woke up and I think I should tell you."

Could it be about last night? I don't think there's something he didn't tell me. Maybe is about the deal we made.

I stop washing and turn to him. "Is it serious?"

He seems scared. "Not really, but I don't know...you tell me."

"Okay." I take off the gloves, and wait for him to talk.

"I kind of..." He runs a hand through his hair.

I stare at him. "Yes?"

"Well..." He looks away.

"Curt, just say it. Everything's going to be okay." I reach for the dishcloth to dry the plates.

He looks up to me, and remains silent.

I eye the clock behind him, it's already noon.

"Honey, do you have to tell me this now?" I ask while drying the last cup. "Because it's already noon, I think you should get dress so we can-"

"I almost fucked him."

The cup slips from my hand and shatters on the floor in million pieces. I stare, immobile. _What?!_

_Oh my god._

As far as I concerned Curt and Demon haven't had sex since the last time! (He almost raped him.) For about five months Curt avoided _every_ contact with him. He told me he hates him and doesn't want to have anything to do with him. I, myself, witnessed when he told him he wasn't going to get _anything _from him, _ever._

"What...How..."

He places his hands on my shoulder. "Brian, calm down- I need to explain you what happened."

What is his bloody excuse?! And he _hit _me! So he fucked him and then hit _me?_ What if that was a lie, and I bruised by having a sexual struggle or something?! Wasn't he going to bloody _help _me? By what? Fucking the enemy?! Bloody bastard! He just wants _him!_

"Do you want me to tell_ you_ what happened?!" I yell while pushing him away. "You _fucked_ him." I face him close. "Not almost- _fucked_ him and then made up a story so I wouldn't know because all you really want is to get rid of me!" I yell, losing it completely.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?!" He pushes me back. "You got it all wrong! If you let me explain-"

"Explain _what?! _Do you think I'm _stupid_? You bloody well demonstrated yesterday that you _do_ have feelings for him!" I pace all over the room, holding my head.

He chases me and grabs me by my shoulders. Don't touch me you bloody liar!

"Didn't I show that I have stronger feelings for _you?" _He tries to face me, but I don't want to see him right now, so I look away._ "_And we're not supposed to fight!" He shakes me.

"Get off of me!" I yell, pushing him yet again.

"It _didn't_ happen, okay? But Brian- we were about to fuck, what did you expect?"

How dare you!

"You to remember all the damage he's been doing to me, maybe?!"

"If that's the issue, why did _you _let him in?!"

What?! What is he trying to-! Oh shit. I did.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," I snap while heading for the stairs.

He takes me and turns me around. "Oh no, man- we've been forcing each other to talk so just fucking _do _it. I've said what I had, now it's _your _turn," he snaps right onto my face, looking me straight in the eye.

I stare- I can't stop looking at him, but I can't turn away. I know I shouldn't say it, but I can't keep it from him either. He has to know it's not his complete fault. That I had the opportunity to choose, and did it wrong.

I take a deep breath, back off, and draw strength from God knows where. "There's also something _you_ should know..."

He releases me, but continues entirely focused. "What?"

"I have a confession to make too."

The moment I say the words, Curt turns away, runs a hand through his hair and stops- speaking through clenched teeth. "Shit."

I remain silent. He turns to face me, constantly nodding slightly, pursing his lips and coming to me with that look I'm still finding hard to read. "You did it," he hisses dryly. He then raises his arm and hits the wall with a strong thud.

I jump slightly. "Curt! Jesus," I exclaim.

He rests his head on the wall, both palms against it- and then turns to me. Now I can read it- it's disappointment. "You let him in, didn't you?" he whispers.

My scared, guilty expression leaves no place- or need- for words.

"_Shit_. You let the _motherfucker _in!"

"I-" I attempt to explain.

"You let him-" He approaches me. "-_let_ him in." His eyes dipping into mine, dismissing any possible excuse. "_You_- Brian, right? Cuz to be honest, I can't fucking recognize you right now," he says in a voice so dry that scrapes me inside. Then he advances on me until I'm pinned to the wall. "You're _both_ the same."

I can't assimilate what he just said. I don't know how much time passes until he comes down, now dressed, heads for the phone table and writes something on the notepad. Then he slams the door so hard that the house seems to shake.

As soon as he crosses the door I run for the note, it's a phone number.

* * *

A phone number?

Jesus, how can I be thinking in such a stupid detail? My dream world just crashed again. Or maybe not? Is he leaving forever?

I'm lonely again. Always lonely... Always on my own. And I can't kid myself anymore- it's my fault.  
I made a wrong decision, now I'm paying the consequences. I did it only yesterday, and not just then- in fact, I allowed him to take control from the very beginning.

What would it happened if I would have said no? If I went for help. But then, no one was there- no one was _ever _ 's wrong with me? Why does everybody leave? Why didn't I leave when I had to?

Does it even matter? He couldn't recognize me...am I losing myself that much? Am I letting him in more than I know? Am I..._becoming_ him?

There are too many questions...my head begins to hurt. Just a few minutes ago, everything was fine, more than that- perfect! And now, now he won't be coming back, admitting that he can't walk more than a block. He's not. And I'm not calling him- I still have _some _pride left.

Maybe this was all useless, and there's not a real solution because this is not a real problem. It's not that our couple doesn't work. It's not that we lost love, or excitement. It's something that exceeds us and something that we can't do anything about it.

So why do we even try?

I can't stop thinking... I never do, otherwise I'll just disappear. He'll take ownership of everything.  
Of my head, my body, my soul...

My head is my fort. If I could just let all the thoughts go and just feel, then maybe I'll make the right choice. But how? How can I lose myself without taking that risk?

I eye the wine cabinet. Should I? No. I'll go out, just as I planned to do.

I head for the wardrobe and take a black fur coat and a big hat, and leave the house.

The first blocks feels difficult, as if I'm trying not to realize what happened. But a walk will help me to de-stress, to think straight. The cold air almost cutting my skin, but it feels good- it feels real.

It's been long since I've gone out by myself when I have no place to go. Just to feel the concrete under my shoes.

This is good for me, a time for myself. Not Curt, not _him_, just me. Maybe that was one of the problems, maybe I'm so desperate not to be alone that I forget who I really am.

Maybe a time on my own won't be _so _terrible. I am alone right now and the world is not falling.

I'm always avoiding a time for myself. To think...clearly. To admit what's happening to me, own it, act in consequence. Stop being dramatic about it. Just...accept it. I never actually did that- I never took time to _assimilate_ the situation.

I've been hoping others will to take care of it. They will learn how to behave in front of him. But did I actually figure out how _I _should behave?

To me, he's real- this is not happening to _me. _It's _his _fault and I have to admit I've been lying to myself. Hiding from reality.

Maybe _this_ is what I needed. A moment to face the truth.


	11. The Right Thing To Do

**Author's Note:**

**So, we've reached a dead point. We all know they're not coming back for a while but that was necessary, right? Mychelle, I totally agree. They're not acting like adults, so that's what is all about. They're realizing it. And same thing with ChinaWolf, that's part of it, Curt _always_ leaves so you'll see how he would be regreting eventually.**

**This chapter contains not only a part of Curt's back story but Curt's POV. So I NEED to know what you think about that.**

**Thank you so much to you guys for reviewing every time and _every_ chapter. It makes me so so happy! It totally encourages me to write more.**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

**Chapter Eleven: The Right Thing To Do**

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes… Sometimes we get caught on the wounds and walk by ignoring our scars. Or worst, turning them into a part of our skin- as though it always have been there. You act, walk, speak as though you were back in time. But now reality hit me- I'm on my own because I chose to be.

Why don't you come here now? Now I'm ready to face you. Come here, are you even more cowardly than I? If you want to lay claim to my body so much, you'll have to give me better incentive. Because I'm not lonely anymore, I have someone who truly loves me and you keep ruining it. And you may have succeeded, but I'm not giving up- and that's what scares you.

Why? Does he make you weaker? Too bad, I'm in love- I will fight. You won the last time but this is different- now I _know_ Curt loves me. And that's something that not even _you_ can take away from me.

And he is long gone… I'm sure this isn't a short fight- he needs changes and so do I.

From this moment I will step out of my mind. My eyes are finally open.

It doesn't exist.

There has never been another one but myself. But my own fears and my defenses. There's no he_- _just two sides of the same coin. And the betrayal was never real.

I've been completely irrational. I haven't been thinking clearly. I've been just…hearing. Hearing my own thoughts, but I never went through them to see if they were actually rational.

I never kept in mind the fact that Curt _always_ feels the same skin, hears the same voice, looks in the same eyes...

I've been…completely stupid. Manipulated by my own mind? It's _my_ mind. He was right, we _are_ both the same. Because there's just one, and his…_my_ name is Brian Slade.

If there's something dark down in my brain that enchanted Curt when he first met me, he would have to deal with the fact that it's better for me that it be gone. All those traces that don't fit my main personality.

However, I won't be this naïve. I'm still sick- this is not going to disappear. I will hear it. It's up to me to deny the voices, and start listening to my real beliefs.

* * *

I've been walking down the street the whole day. I stopped to get some lunch but immediately resumed the walk. It's uncanny how such a simple activity can clear your mind so easily. That may be the reason why Curt takes so many walks.

Curt... I can't get him out of my mind. How is he? Where? Is he sad? Relieved? Did he come back? No, he didn't. I have to stop dreaming about magical solutions.

Why did he leave a phone number?

It's getting late, maybe I should go back home and try to reach him. No... I should give him his space- that's why he left. Well, but then why did he leave the number if he didn't want me to call him?

I cross the door and I have to confess there's still some silly bit of hope that he may be in the house, but I know he isn't. I leave the coat on the hanger and then tear the page with the aforementioned number from the pad.

Should I?

I sit down the couch and move the phone onto the coffee table in front of me. Should I call? Should I wait for him to call? He lived here, he knows the number...

I stand up and head for the kitchen to make myself some tea. It usually relaxes me, but this time it doesn't. Maybe I should wait until tomorrow, but it's been a whole day and I don't know anything about him. At least I need to know how he is.

I need to know he's safe, that he's not doing anything foolish. Anything stupid.

It's not that I'm not aware Curt can perfectly take care of himself. He's been doing it his whole life, unlike myself. He's been through the same loneliness, maybe worse- and somehow he managed to get out of there.

Alright, maybe it wasn't the best way at the beginning, but he was just a kid- what was he supposed to do? And he _did_ end up coming to his senses.

It's astounding how such a sensitive person can be so strong.

I don't see how he does it. How he wakes up every morning, leaving all his story behind him, and starts a new day. I carry every wound. It hurts every hour.

But he's so different. He can move on- too fast, really. He doesn't let people get close to him. He just runs...away from everything. But who could blame him? Can you blame someone for reacting the way he did his whole life?

That's not the only way Curt acts, though- when he can step out of his shoes, he accept how things are- and actually do something about it.

And when there's a point when he knows there's _nothing_ left to do- then he moves on.

I don't want him to think this is one of those lost situations, though- but I can't convince him otherwise. I've been walking in circles and asking him to do the same. He can't do it anymore- neither can I.

But, as I said- he moves on. No matter what direction, he always moves. He has the determination to step out of the problem instead of feel constant self pity for himself.

He tries to make _me_ move. Every time, always looking forward.

I want to learn from him, I want to know how he can clear his mind from the past and live day by day. And how he can let things go so easily- preserving only the important ones. Without getting lost in silly details.

And I can't do that. I get stuck.

If I had only half of his will, I'd probably be improving faster.

Maybe I am trying harder, and I may be having some results. But they're all due to others' behaviour. Not mine.

The bottom line is that I need to know how he is- that's all.

I'll call him just to check how he is, then I'll hang up. Well I can't hang up, I would look like a complete nutter.

I leave the cup on the coffee table and dial the number. Alright... Here we go...

God, the ringing sound is altering my nerves.

_Brrdrd brdrdr... _

Jesus.

_Brrdrd brdrdr... _

Alright. I have nothing to be nervous about- he has already left, what else can hap-

_"Yeah?"_

I freeze- his voice leaves me blindsided.

_"Hello?"_

What do I say? What _should_ I say?

_"Brian?"_

"Hello," I finally reply.

Then, I hear absolutely nothing on the phone but scuffling- as though he were moving it around. It feels like forever until he finally talks to me.

_"Listen, I'm about to go."_ His voice sounds tense.

Of course he is...

"Where to?"

He pauses. "_The airport."_

The _airport?_ Why?

"What for?"

_"I'm off to New York."_

He talked about New York, but isn't that show next week? Why is he leaving now?

"How long?"

_"Don't know- I have a show there next week."_

"Yes, you told me..."

_"Oh, right."_

For a moment there's nothing on the other side of the phone but silence.

"I miss you."

You couldn't keep your bloody mouth shut.

His voice changes, it was sort of distant before. Now it sounds... hurt. "_Brian, I can't help you right now-okay? I just fucking can't."_

"I understand."

He makes a long pause. "_I need time."_

"I'll wait."

Pause again, this time much longer. "_Gotta go."_

"Alright," I mutter, trying to hold back the tears.

I knew this was going to happen but I didn't think he'll decide something like this. I thought we could work things out eventually, that maybe we could meet in a few days to talk calmly. But never occurred to me that he will _literally_ get on a plane and go far away.

I know he's impulsive, but I honestly didn't see this coming.

_"I'm sorry," _he murmurs.

I stay quiet for a minute. He has nothing to be sorry about, but I don't think there's time to dip into that.

"Me too."

He hangs up.

* * *

Man, it's been a long day.

Not used to thinking through stuff, and I've been frying my brains for the last three fucking days. Brian is used to it.

Brian.

Such a twisted, sweet guy.

I just don't get how not hearing the right words when you think you need them can fuck you up so bad. That's bullshit. You don't hear it, you don't need it- period.

But I guess I understand him. Cause he was so fucking alone and I get that- I've been there.

Now- I couldn't hook up with a normal guy, right? I had to end up with the most famous mental case of the music history.

Not that I'm exactly normal either, but I'm not _that_ damaged.

I've already been here, the whole 'getting the fuck out of this sick relationship' thing. But the first time I wasn't _this_ hooked. Gotta be that word Brian says so much.

Love. Sounds cheesy.

But, shit. The first time he said it.

We were on a trip and, god, I can't believe I'm being so damn pathetic of remembering this kind of stuff. But I woke up earlier I think, or I hadn't had any sleep or something like that.  
And I spent the whole morning thinking it was okay, I liked him a lot and stuff… but didn't really know what was going on. Not really used to be aware of sentimental shit kind of guy.

And somehow there was this huge, massive feeling bursting my chest open every damn time the guy looked at me.

I remember I felt these arms wrapping around my waist and I almost punched him- not used to that either. So I turned around and told him he had scared the shit out of me, and he was all sleepy and said something like 'Sorry, my love.'

I was like _huh? _Huge fucking _bomb._

And then that was the first time in all my goddamn life that I felt scared and incredibly happy at the same time. No one has _ever _treated me that nice before.

Of course I didn't show it.

I remember I thought: Whoa- so this is how it feels.

Then he never said it again until we got back from the break up. Guess that's cause I told him to back the fuck up. See, I didn't believe it. I mean- how can such a damn beauty fall for a fucked up junkie?

He was unbelievable. A rich, damned good looking, smart, fancy accent guy. Talented, with a great sense of art- not bullshit. This guy who could talk hours about music, history, literature- he was like from the fucking royalty to me. And still, what stunned me most, was that he was also incredibly gentle.

Not only did he treat me like an equal instead of taking me for a broken junkie- but he was always telling me the most beautiful shit I've ever heard. As though _I _was the amazing one there.

And I thought: Man, what's wrong with you? You can do so much better.

Alright, he was a pansy-ass and also kind of hysterical- but he always treated me like I was some kind of treasure. Always being really sweet to me.

I thought that it was a question of time and I was… you know, just having fun. At least that's what I wanted to show. But really I was screwed. I knew that I felt something really strong for him.

Not sure if it was love though, never felt it before. But I guess that's it- I loved the man.  
So, yeah- I thought time would pass and he would finally notice the loser I was and that's it. But that never happened.

And then I started to pay attention, and I could see in his huge eyes that he really felt something big. But I didn't want to get too excited, you know? I thought that I was some kind of crush for him and that it would go away.

But it never did. And when I realized that, there was a big reason why I didn't want it to be true. I was trying to get clean- not really good time to want to take care of someone, and let that someone take care of you. Cause that's love, right?

Anyway, I was trying to get myself back together. Jeez, fucking hard thing to do.  
I tried a lot before actually doing it...isn't that always the way?

It's weird how you suffer the _biggest_ pain of your damn life and at the moment you say to yourself: That's it, I'm quitting this shit. But when the _need_ comes...well, then you forget it all. Or worse, you remember but don't give a shit.

All that process is just... awful.

You wake up sweating like a pig and still feeling cold... You got cold chills- you hear and see stuff that isn't there. Horrible fucking hallucinations, I mean. I heard my brother, and saw blood everywhere and fuck- I was so paranoid...

Plus_, every_ noise stuns you. And I don't know if that's common but I got this scaring sensation of something climbing up my back. It freaked me out.

And you don't even know where you are- everything feels dizzy and blurry. You're shaking like crazy and you just hurt _everywhere_. It aches so much you want to jump out of your skin. Crazy thing, huh? Wanting to get out of your own body...is sick.

You don't want to eat, can't even keep down water. You throw it all up, even if there's nothing in your stomach but a burning, green liquid that you don't remember drinking, because you _didn't_. It's your own fucking insides wanting out.

So it's not that hard to figure out you'll just take another shot cause, you know, nothing can be more horrible than that. You convince yourself with that trick to get back. And it works, especially when the need is so motherfucking strong that drags you to do _anything _just to get the drug.

I stole from Brian.

Yeah, I know that I'm a shitty person but that's the truth.

Plus, it was killing me. Last time I ended up naked, drunk, sprawled like a fucking hooker on a dirty mattress at the street...bleeding.

So yeah, I stopped it.

And Brian? He was there. I mean_, really_ there.

I didn't want him to find out what was going on but he's not stupid. And I told him I was going to quit, and he made me promise that I'll let him help me with it.

I knew the guy for...what? four, maybe five months? I didn't want to cause that kind of trouble. Plus, I really cared for him and I knew that with that personality he wouldn't stand it. But he did anyway.

The first days, he locked me up in a room at his house to keep me away from taking any drug- cause that's what you're supposed to do. And I was fine with it in theory- but I ended up freaking out near the end of the first day.

Now that I remember... how did he stand all that? He's fucking _weak_, he can't deal with himself and he stayed there the whole time. I can almost hear it, I don't remember exactly but I still can hear it.

* * *

_"Give me the shot... Come on please, just one. I swear to God is just one.. I __**promise **__to you. I __**beg **__you, you hear me? I'm begging you- give me the shot, Brian. The last one, __**please**__."_

_"No Curt- not one, not anyone. You'll get out of this."_

_"But, BRIAN! ...__**fine.**__ Take me to the hospital so they can give me...uh...the methadone shot? One shot, right? One shot and I'll calm down! It's in the rehab program!"_

_"__**No**__! I'm not giving you any drug! It's all the same the same rubbish."_

_"Okay, I won't take any. Just take me out of the fucking room, Brian. I promise I'll behave. Take me out, baby- take me out..."_

_"I'm sorry, I...I can't do that."_

_"TAKE ME THE FUCK OUT! Or I swear to God I'll fucking kill you! I'LL KILL YOU!"_

_"Curt! It's for your own good! Calm down! I'll…I'll promise I'll take you out when you're ready, alright? I'm doing this for you, this is what you need. Trust me, this is what you need."_

_"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Take me the fuck OUT! MOTHERFUCKER! Who the fuck you think you are?! I hate you! I fucking hate you! Let me out or I'm destroying the whole fucking house! You hear me?! You don't give me the shot and I'll set your house on fire! I will do it!"_

_"Listen- I don't care if you burn the entire house, I don't care if you set __**me**__ on fire! You WON'T leave the bloody room until I say so! Alright?! Do you understand what I'm saying?!"_

_"FUCK YOU!"_

* * *

Sounds like _I_ was the weak one back then…

And..when I calmed down... he used to bring me food and water, and wait patiently for me to eat. Then go again, but always stayed on the other side of the door.

I remember this time he walked in and I was hysterical, out of my mind. So I punched him. Like, really hard.

And I don't remember what happened then but he never mentioned it. And he never mentioned how much he helped me, or used it against me.

And I didn't thank him either, cuz shit, I was so embarrassed. I still am. I don't let Brian talk about it cuz don't know how the fuck to look at him after all that. And I get really upset just thinking about mentioning it.

Even if I made it. Which isn't a relief at all. In fact, when the whole withdrawal is gone...fuck, that's the worst part.

You just want to jump of a building, shoot yourself in the head, hang yourself- whatever it takes not to feel how dull and humdrum is your life.

After having gone through such a rush everything seems dead. _You_ feel dead.

And it was at that motherfucking precise time that I met his other side.

_Demon._

Jeez. Such a rush the guy gave me. Exactly what I needed.

And well.. then Brian told me that he was not a normal guy, and he explained to me that there was this person inside him.

First I didn't believe him, but then I started to see it.

He was different, talked different, acted different. And the worst thing was that I felt so attracted to this other side.

He was hot, I mean really hot. Drove me fucking crazy. But I wasn't supposed to feel that, cuz he was fucking with Brian's head. By the time I realized that, the guy was already fucking with mine too.

He was really smart and always got what he wanted. He lied a lot and I believed him cuz I was stupid- and every time that happened I had a huge fight with Brian.

Then the fucker started to stay longer than Brian... And Demon was a really mean person. He did some kind of mind game or control or whatever, making me feel really upset about all the shit he did. I never gave a shit about people who ignore me, but somewhat he made me really dependent. Also, he raved with space stuff and he really _meant _it.

At first it was fascinating but when I realized he actually believed that shit... it was really weird. Still fascinating, but in all the wrong ways.

But I couldn't get away or leave him. Not only because of the manipulation thing but because he was the same guy that I really wanted- so my brain was about to explode.

Plus, Jerry told me that I had to work with him because he wouldn't sell my music otherwise- so I was forced to work with this fucker.

And by this time, Brian rarely came along.

When he did, it was like for an hour... And I was already too pissed off to notice that it was him.

Long story short - I had to deal with all of it, plus the record company, Jerry and his handymen and stuff. All of them pushing me to obey Demon.

And he was getting worse, he started acting like a fucking queen and thought he was God or something. And I didn't get to Brian anymore.

I felt miserable again. And surprise-fucking-surprise... I had a relapse.

Luckily I was smart enough to realize I was repeating a huge mistake. So it wasn't that hard to quit it this time. And I already I had met Jack and the guy offered me to produce me. Jerry had fired me, so I took it.

Of course I had to fuck the guy but well, not so different from what I used to do. And he didn't treat me bad or nothing... he was okay- kind of crazy but generally he's a good person. Real classy, like a lady.

But I didn't feel anything for him and I started feeling bad about it. I don't know why, maybe because I was still attached to Brian, I don't know. The fact is that I told him I didn't want to keep doing it and he said that it was okay. He wouldn't stop producing me. Like a said, he is a nice guy.

And well... then Brian came back.

I knew it wasn't Demon the moment he first talked. But I acted like him- I tried to manipulate him the way he did to me. But it wasn't Brian's fault, really. So when I realized that, I decided to try again.

And I'm back to the same dead point. Sitting with my thumb up my ass in this damn plane. Running away again.

It's not fair...right? I'm the only one who leaves...he always stayed, no matter what. And he stayed when I needed it- I can't do the same. I did what I could, but...did I try hard enough? Should I try harder?

Anyway, I shouldn't go back just because I feel I owe him something. I should go back when I decide to make things right- when I _can _make things right.

Just being here made me think in a lot of stuff I had forgotten...useful stuff to have in mind. So, taking this time? It seems like for now, is the right thing to do.

* * *

**Again... Need to know what you think! :D**


	12. Stopping Time

**Author's Note:**

**Mychelle, I just want to thank you so much. I really appreciate how you take time to read and comment about each character and you even make a little reflexion about it. It just makes me so happy, thank you a ton. This chapter goes to you :)**

* * *

**Chapter Twelve: Stopping Time**

* * *

It's been a week.

Nothing too major happened. Went some places, got drunk, came back and didn't fuck it all up. So that's good.

I like being here, on my own. Don't get me wrong- I want to go back...but maybe the rest of the next week instead of just those two days it's a good idea. I've thought a lot, and I've also stopped thinking. Which is kind of what I needed.

I think I should call Brian. He freaks out really easy- I don't want him to do anything stupid. I haven't called him so far. Not that I don't miss him, but what was the point of taking a break if we keep talking to each other?

Yeah. I should call him, anyway. Just to check.

_"Hello?"_

_Shit_...it's kind of shocking to hear him again. Brian's voice is soft and really singular- especially with that fancy accent.

"Hi."

_"…Curt...?"_

"Yeah..."

_"Oh... Good morning."_

Weird. He doesn't sound freaked out.

"Listen- I think I'm staying here the whole week."

_"Alright."_

"I just wanted to let you know and leave you my number, you know... in case shit happens while I'm here- you can call me."

_"That's very thoughtful- thank you. I won't need it, though."_

Huh?

"Whatever, just write it down."

_"If you insist.. Let me find a pen."_

"Okay."

'If you insist'? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

_"Now, tell me."_

"1-212-329-1134. Got it?"

_"Yes."_

"That's all."

_"Alright… How are you?"_

"I'm okay."

_"I'm glad to hear that."_

Neither of us talk for a while.

_"Listen..."_

"Yeah?"

_"Are you planning on coming back? Because I'm not planning on wasting my time."_

Okay, back the fuck up. _What?_ That doesn't sound like Bri- Oh shit. Is it Demon? No... can't be him. He's not seducing me and stuff.

Anyway, no matter who the hell he is- fuck him. I'm coming back but we're sure as _hell _not getting right back together.

"…I think I will, but we need to talk."

_"Oh, definitely."_

Don't give me that goddamn tone, man.

"Listen- what's going on?"

_"Nothing- why do you ask?"_

"You sound weird."

_"Do I?"_

Is he fucking _teasing_ me?

_"_Yeah, you fucking do."

"_Don't worry- I'm fine, really."_

That's exactly what I mean- this guy is _never_ fine. Well, it really shouldn't bother me. In fact, if Brian is okay… that's really good. I guess.

_"_Okay…good. Anyway, I'll meet you at your house wh-"

_"Oh, no. Excuse me, but I think we should meet in a cafe- you know, so we don't get distracted the way we used to. Is that alright with you?"_

_What?_

"Yeah, whatever."

_"When do you arrive?"_

"Monday."

_"Alright. So call me on Sunday, and we'll decide where to meet."_

Yeah, that's fair.

"Okay."

_"Is that all?"_

"Yeah."

_"Goodbye, then."_

_What the fuck?!_ He _hung up_ on me!

Okay, calm down. What could be going on? Why the sudden change? Alright, not sudden. But a week shouldn't make _that _big a difference.

It's always hard to know what's going on in Brian's head- especially with the Demon mess. But I always manage to listen to both personalities and try to get what's going on inside there, but now I have no fucking clue.

That doesn't sound like Brian, doesn't sound like Demon- and if there's a third one I'll blow my brains out right now.

So...let's go with the idea that he _is _Brian. What could have happened to make him so calm? Or what can be going inside his head to make him act so... distant.

The Brian _I _know would have asked me how I was right away, and asked me to come back or somehow made me see that he wanted me to. So, off the top of my head- he doesn't want me to come back.

That's it.

He's sick of me- I left and fucked it all up. He's been thinking, and all the dramatic stuff was because of the shock- and now that he thought it through, he realized it's just stupid to wait.

If this is what he _wants_... Well, I've tried all there is to try. I forced myself to believe in things that I _knew_ were lies.

But from the moment I got here I've drunk the whole minibar just to block me from thinking about the huge mistake I did. Cause I _knew_ that I'm being such an asshole. Every damn time I leave I'm being one.

Cause I _know _that Brian is the only person I felt something huge for. He is the only person I've loved and still I keep leaving. So there's gotta something really wrong with me.

I took for granted the fact that he would always take me back and now I realize the jerk I am. I mean- the guy has some pride, right? And I left for a week and didn't even call him. Yeah, I asked him for time...but this is Brian we're talking about- he must have felt so abandoned. He can't take that.

And now I gotta wait a whole another week to get to see him cause I decided so. Cause I thought I was better off alone. Yeah, I am- _as long as I know that I can go back._

Should I go back?

Shit- I have a show tonight. Okay, I'll just stay the two days I have to and fly back. Yeah, like _I'm _going back to see what's going on. No, I fucking won't. I'll stay here and suck it up.

* * *

Where is he? It's already six. Okay, he'll come- _calm the fuck down._

He didn't call- he didn't call in the whole week even though he _had _my number. Which is stressing the shit out of me. There's no way _Brian _wouldn't call at _least_ to know how my show was or something. Unless something really serious was going on. Which probably was, and _is._

So yeah, he's dumping me. Sure as fuck he's gonna dump me. Now the worst part is that I deserve it. Cause _I _left so he's entitled to do whatever he wants.

I'll just have a cig. Okay... much better. Now where's my fucking coffee?

"Sir."

_At last._

"Thanks."

Okay-_ drink and suck, drink and suck. That will keep you busy._

After a while, I eye a tall man crossing the cafe's door. Dressed up with a black coat, and what I think is a blue suit- _hair matching._

_Fuck. _I don't know how the hell to react. Should I stand up so he can see me? Should I wave him or something?

Oh no, he's already coming. Alright- _chill out._

Brian sits down in front of me and his huge eyes lock with mine. I instantly look down.  
_Shit_...he's _so_ damn pretty. When he comes in, everything else fades into black.

He just _glows_.

Okay. _That's not the point._

I'm shaking the sugar packet a mile a minute, even though I _don't_ put sugar in my coffee. But my last cigarette is gone, and I was stupid enough to forget the pack in the suitcase. And I have to keep my hand busy and pretend to be doing something so I don't have to look at him.

If I had nails left to bite, I'd be chewing the fuck out of them.

He's staring at me, and I can't look up.

I've been stirring this coffee for what seems like an hour now.

Why isn't he talking?

_Fuck it._

"Hi," I say looking up at him.

Now, you say 'hi' the moment you _see _someone- not after ten goddamn minutes of silence with that someone. But what the fuck was I supposed to say? 'I know you hate me and I just don't want to hear it?'

Still staring, he leans close to me- which totally freezes me.

"Hello..."

_Not honey._

I swallow a sip of the coffee- which is cold by this point. Ugh, disgusting.

"So..." I say while revolving my coffee over and over. "What's going on...?"

He gave me this ten seconds look he always use when he's about to say something really big, and put his hand over mine. I instantly stop moving- he just disarms me.

"I'm not going to lie to you..." he begins.

_That's it. _I _knew_ it. I should just stand up and get the fuck out of here.

"Brian, I-"

"Let me finish," he says calmly.

I stay quiet.

"I've missed you terribly since the very moment you walked out that door..." he looks down. "And you _know_ I did..."

Just _say it._

"But I realized that no matter how much I want it..." He stops and squeezes my hand, talking really soft. "...and I want it more than anything else in this world..."

Shit, _stop..._

"I can't force us to be together..."

I can't even think about all the wrong things I must have done for him to reach this point... And I just..._I don't want to lose him._

"And that, somehow, I've _been_ forcing you..."

Stop there. I've been staying because I _want_ to. Well, not really since I left. Jerk.

"So..." he continues. And is just then, that the motherfucking waiter comes and asks Brian what is he gonna have. Tea, he says.

He turns his head to me, and just stares... He looks so...sad? He takes a deep breath, shutting his eyes for a second- and then swallows hard...almost painfully. I think he's trying to calm down himself. But he was pretty damn calm in the phone, so what's all this about?

Whatever it is- can't be good. I've run my hand through my hair like a million times. I'm looking away, and then at him, away, and then at him again. And he's _not_ talking.

_Just spit it out._

"What is all that supposed to mean?" I snap.

"It means..."

"We're over, right?" I say, and my voice sounds strangled.

He shut his eyes a few seconds, longer than before. "If that's what you want..." He opens his eyes, and smiles sadly. "...that's how it will be. Is that what you want, Curt?"

"I've never said that."

He backs away a little, and frowns. "Yes, you did."

"No. I thought _you_'d say it."

And you're gonna, so quit it.

He grins, like... really happy- which confuses the fuck out of me.

"Oh... No, it didn't mean _that_."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

Then what does it-

"Then what does it mean?"

He chuckles, and leans close again. "It means that if you take me back, I won't rush… I'll make things right this time..."

_What?_

"But if you don't, I'll stand up right now, and walk away. And Curt..." He squeezes my hand, and looks me in the eye. "If that's what you want…I can honestly assure you that I'll be truly fine with it." He smiles, letting me know he's serious.

_Wow._

I wasn't- I didn't even- I thought he'd fu- Wow.

"That's just...Brian..._fuck_."

He laughs. "What?"

"I thought you were gonna dump me."

"Were you out of your mind?! _Me?_" He crooks his head, grinning. "Really?"

"I know, right?! But you were acting really weird, man!"

His tea comes, and he takes a sip of it. Always smiling. "I know... But I had to calm down, that's why."

"You calmed down too much."

He stares at me, and I smile back. It's so weird- I mean, I've been through so much stress and now everything seems so easy...

"God, I missed you," he says a tone of voice that reduces me to pieces.

I lean toward him. "Me too."

He attempts to kiss me, but he doesn't. "So..."

"What?"

"Do you take me back...?"

Jeez...get up and I'll just smash you against the wall.

"Brian I-"

"Yes, I know. We have to set a lot of things before- but if you allow me, I already have a plan."

"I'm listening."

He grins widely. I just want him to get up so I can hug him tight. I'm so fucking happy right now.

"Oh, but you're not going to like it."

"Why not?"

He sips his tea. "Because you won't."

"We'll see."

"Alright... this is the thing. I've figured out three things." I nod. "One- my issues with Demon are _my_ issues and you have nothing to do with them. And it's not real. It's me, which means that if you're with him, that would be okay- cause it's _me_."

"Wow."

"Two- We've based our relationship in fights and sex. And regarding what you said about stopping having it... Well, not only you were right because of Demon... but I've figured out that if every time we've fought wouldn't have been interrupted with sex- the _causes_ of that fight would have been pretty much resolved."

"Did you get a shrink or something? This is fucking impressive."

"I know! I've been two really tough weeks. And yes, I got some help."

"I can see."

"And three, and this is the one you won't like- the only way to establish a solid base is taking the steps we practically jumped when we first met. Dating, we shouldn't be living together, or even _sleeping_ together. We should slow it all down, and start from the very beginning."

"So you're saying... no sex, no sleeping and not even being alone with each other."

"Exactly."

"Yeah... it's not gonna be easy."

"Nobody said it would." He looks away, and then turns to me with a tiny grin in his face. "Hey...do you want to go for a walk, together?"

I smile. "Sure."

He calls the waitress and attempts to pay it all.

"Hey, I'm paying for my stuff," I interrupt them.

He turns his head to me. "Oh, come on... it's just a coffee."

"I don't care," I say taking from my wallet enough cash for both orders, and handing it to the waitress, who doesn't know what the fuck to do.

"Keep the change."

The waitress leaves, and Brian stares at me a bit offended.

"What was all that about? Why did you do that?"

I smile. "Relax, it's just a tea."

"I don't want you to pay for me."

"Well, I don't want _you_ to pay for me- let's go."

We stand up, and the minute we do all I want is to hug him and kiss him until he can't fucking breathe.

After opening the door, he extends me his hand and looks at me.

I take it. This feels so...beautifully weird. It's freezing outside and when we're finally there he just hugs me...really tight.

I... I can't move... I want to stay here my whole goddamn life. I feel his hair on my neck, his breath in my ear, and a massive warm feeling.

I put my arms around him, and he takes a deep breath, holding me harder.

I'm about to break.

Neither of us can talk. I think I've _never_ felt him so damn close.

After another minute, I'm almost falling asleep in his arms. But then he takes me by my shoulders, hovers in my face and suddenly pulls me closer to press his lips to mine so hard I hold on him not to fall.

And, damn it... if I had the words to explain how fucking amazing I feel right now... I just felt one hundred chills throughout my body.

I grab his nape and kiss him, it feels like forever since the last time we did. I can't stop thinking all the things I want him to know right now.

_I'm sorry. I'm stupid. You're amazing. Thank you. I love you. I don't care. I'll stay._

When we finally pull away, we're grinning like assholes- and he's pressing his forehead to mine.

"I wish I could stop time_," _he whispers.

"You just did."


	13. Over-communication

**Author's Note:**

* * *

**So, this chapter would be much longer than the last one- I've considered splitting it in two, it's enough for even_ three_ short ones, but I thought like it all needed to be together. It wouldn't work otherwise. The last chapter I wrote this long was because it was a key for the story, and I think this is pretty much another one.**

**ChinaWolf, thank you for reviewing so soon and stick with me through all this boys' journey, this one goes for you!**

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen: Over-communication.**

* * *

I can't even explain how I feel... Peaceful, serene, complete, _happy_. I've been into this relationship for so long...and I think I've never felt this...free.

I know this is not going to be easy...but I also think that just one of these moments makes it worth it, doesn't it?

Curt's here by my side...we're walking slowly and we don't dare to say a word that might break the moment. Words are so unnecessary now, even 'I love you' would be superfluous.

After a couple of blocks, I shift my eyes to him. He turns to me and smiles shyly. I just can't get over those eyes...it's uncanny how they're so expressive and yet they hide so many mysteries...they constantly change their colour, which I think it's how nature represented how temperamental he is...like now, they look sort of jade coloured- and he's quiet, in peace.

"Your eyes look quite green," I point out.

"Yeah, they change with weather."

"I know- like you."

Curt's temperament always depends of the situation, he can be calm and peaceful like none you've ever known before, but he can also turn into a thunderstorm if he feels it warranted. He can yell out, and hurt you in a minute- but he can also melt your heart in a second. He's temperamental, like the sea that reflects his eyes.

He chuckles. "I guess.."

"How was New York?" I ask him, honestly interested.

"Fine, I guess. I didn't really do much but those two shows."

"How did they go?"

"Fine," he replies, nonchalant. "I'll tell you later, maybe."

"Just fine?"

He shrugs. "Yeah."

His voice sounds sort of indifferent.

"Is there something wrong?"

"No, is just... It wasn't that great- I missed you."

Oh, he's so sweet...on the other hand- I wish he could have enjoyed his own time.

"Me too, awfully."

"It pissed me off, you know? I tried not to," he begins. "And I felt like an asshole. You're not supposed to miss if _you_ left, right?"

Well, maybe if the other person gives you the reasons- and I did.

"But I needed the break," he continued.

"I know, we both needed it." I reply with no remorse in my voice. "You did the right thing."

He stops in a kiosk, presumably to buy cigarettes. "It didn't feel like it, though," he finishes while buying three packs.

That's way too much, I think. But this is Curt, and he smokes like a chimney.

"But...look at us now," I say. "Do you really think we could have been this way if you have stayed?"

Curt lights up a cigarette. "No," he responds after taking a long drag.

"Well, that's my point," I say while we resume our walk. "Don't you feel...de-stressed? Don't you feel..."

"Happy."

I chuckle softly. "Yes."

"Yeah..." he smokes another drag. "But I feel kind of guilty, too."

"Oh, no honey..." I say, putting one hand on his shoulder. "You shouldn't."

He shifts his head to me, and then a tiny smile blurts out of him. "I really missed that shit."

I laugh. "What?"

"The 'honey' stuff," he replies with the thin object between his lips. I never understood how he can talk while smoking. I did smoke, but never could do that.

Anyway... he missed _that_? He told me first he didn't like it.

"You are spending too much time with me, I think."

He takes the cigarette out of his mouth. "Shut up- you're turning me into a pussy."

I laugh softly. "You won't beat me, though."

"Hell no," he chuckles. "But seriously...I feel kinda bad about it."

What for? Curt never felt guilty after leaving before, not that I've known at least.

"Why the sudden guilt?"

He doesn't answer, and looks away while taking a puff of his cigarette. "It's not sudden, it's just that..." He runs his free hand through his hair, which I notices is more golden that it was before. "I've been thinking a lot."

"So?"

"So I remembered all these things you did for me, and I couldn't even do _one_ for you," he sounds upset.

I've never done anything for him just so he would do the same. I did it because I wanted to, I wanted to be there for him- I still do.

"What are you talking about?"

He looks away yet again. Curt rarely remains looking at other's person eyes while having a conversation. "I'm talking about how you've been there for me, barely fucking knowing me. And being a goddamn couple I couldn't do anything for you. It just..." He finishes the cigarette, throws it onto the floor and crushes it with his foot. I think leaving it there is against the law. "It really upsets me."

"It shouldn't," I reply. "You did _a lot_ for me."

He shift his eyes to me just a second before shifting them away again. "Yeah, what? Come on, every time things get messy I run away."

"Well, maybe now...but you _did_ help me a lot, and I mean it- I wasn't nearly close to what I am now before meeting you," I say I'm trying to comfort him, but it is actually true.

"Bullshit," he snaps. "I probably fucked you up more than you were." He shakes his head slowly and then looks at me. "You deserve so much better."

He's _so_ wrong. Not only am I a complete nutter, but even if I weren't there's no one like him. I want _no one _but him.

"There's _no one_ nearly as wonderful as you are," I reply firmly.

He sighs. "Brian, there's _nothing_ wonderful about me- trust me. I just can't get why you're here." I frown while he takes a short drag. "I mean...you're this loyal sweet guy and you waste it all with someone who just can't get that kind of shit. I can't give you what you need. I told you- and I fucking hate it, but it's true."

I won't even discuss that. He may be the only person that has ever helped me in my whole life.

"I think you have no idea what you mean to me," I say, stop walking to look at him.

"No, I do- I just don't get _why._"

I laugh softly, and take his hands. "Curt...only meeting you gave me strength." He frowns and attempts to turn away as though I were saying something stupid. I hold his hand to keep him in place, and look at him straight in the eye. "I _mean_ it- I saw how your life was and how you managed to run away from all that and move on..." He remains silent. "It made me see that I wasn't a lost cause... That I could be better, that I _can_," I emphasize by squeezing his hand. "You stopped me from giving up. And that's something not even you can take away from me now."

He stares, speechless for a minute, and then attempts to smoke- but he doesn't. "I...I didn't know that."

Well, maybe because I didn't tell you.

"That's my fault."

He resumes the walk and speaks looking at his feet. "You're such a romantic," he says, his voice shy.

"I know...but I don't think that's really a compliment."

He turns his eyes to me. "What do you mean? It must be great to see sunshine even when there's all fucking dark."

"Well...not really. If there's too much light, you can get blind."

"You're already blind in the darkness," he replies.

"But you can see the real light... If everything's already shining, you can't recognize which part is real."

"Well," he says, processing what I've just said. "But then you're not lost, well- you are, just not in the same fucking horrible way."

"You totally are, if you can't distinguish reality- you're pretty lost, don't you think?"

"Do you feel lost?"

I sigh- I really don't want to go deep on this... I can hardly accept it. Plus, it's not fair to make Curt try to figure out how to bring me back on the ground once I've noticed that, in fact, there's absolutely nothing shining in my whole life. Or maybe yes, but all fake.

Well, maybe there's something..._someone._

But... I'm not really sure about it either- I could very well be making it all up... I don't know, I'm just...completely shattering.

"I feel like such a mess."

He raises his head. "You're the sweetest mess..." I stare at him, and grin stupidly. "Alright, enough pansy-ass shit," he says, cutting the moment. "Let's get into this deal thing you planned."

It's kind of cute to see how Curt evades sentimentality, even though I know that he might be even more sentimental than I am. But that's alright, he will show it when he wants to. I won't force him. Plus, he has already shown me more than he had ever shown to anybody else. It makes me feel so special.

"Well, what else do you want to know?"

He resumes his cigarette. "I don't get it. If we don't get to have sex- which sucks," he says, gesturing with his hand. "But I agree with that, but not being alone together _ever_? What's the point? What _can_ we do?" He takes a drag and waits for me to answer.

Anything!

"Pretty much anything else."

Curt exhales the smoke. "Like?"

"Uhh..." I ran a hand across the back of my neck, looking for an specific response. "Well, we can go out together, for instance."

He looks away and nods slightly, smokes the rest of the cigarette and then turns to me.

"Okay, picture this."

I frown. "Alright."

"We go out, maybe to the cinema, we fight because you'd want to see a romantic shit and I'd want to see monsters or guns- got it so far?"

I laugh. "Yes."

"Good. We choose a movie we both like. We go into the cinema, it's all dark and loud and shit- then either you or me would probably get bored at some point."

"Why?"

"Cause either you won't like the movie, or I won't."

"True."

"Great- what do you think it's gonna happen then?"

Fuck. I _will_ get bored, especially having him by my side. I'd probably slide a hand to grab the popcorn that is on his lap and _accidentally_ miss the target...

Alright, simple solution- _no cinema._

"Well, then we simply don't go to the cinema or any other dark place."

"Good, now say we go out for dinner."

"Alright."

Dinner sounds harmless.

"We find a fancy restaurant- cause you always want that kind of stuff, we have some wine, we talk, we laugh. One glass, two glasses, three glasses... what do you think it's gonna happen then?"

Alright, that's completely true... but we won't spend any time alone, so nothing will happen-right?

"Well...we'll go home, say goodbye and wait for the next day."

"Yeah, sure," he says ironically. "Brian, you're easy sober- I can't even tell how easy you're drunk."

Unfortunately, that's true.

I chuckle. "I won't drink, then."

"But...what? We're gonna act like five years olds or something?"

I sigh, quite upset. I know it's not gonna be easy, but we have no other choice. "I get what you're saying. But we're gonna have to try, Curt," I say, seriously.

"I know. And I will, babe..."

Oh, I _love_ when he calls me like that.

"I'm just saying that we're too used to sex, so it's not gonna be easy skip it. And there's some other big deals too."

"What other issues?"

"Are you kidding me?" He lights up another cigarette. "_Demon_, I mean, what? You're suddenly able to control it?" He exhales the smoke. It's gonna fuck with us, just saying."

Yes, it will. But I'm in a completely different place. I will ignore it, I can do it.

"I know... But I'll take care of that." I stare at him, and cup his jaw in my hand. "You just take care of not driving me crazy- alright?" I smile.

He smiles back. "Okay, here's the issue." He sucks on nicotine.

"What?"

"We can't act as a couple. Cause, I mean- we won't even _kiss_."

"No- yes. I mean..." I stop walking. "We can kiss."

He turns to me. "How? We'll get too caught up by kissing."

"No, we won't," I say firmly.

"_Yes,_ we totally will. We'll have all this sex energy. So if we kiss, we'll start touching," he says gesturing with his hand. "-and grabbing and moaning and-"

"Jesus."

Yes, I _am_ stupid.

He stops talking and stares at me. "Yeah, there you go," he takes a short drag. "There's no fucking way we can do this."

"I'm sorry," I mutter, ashamed.

He smiles sadly. "It's not your fault, it's just how you are- that's the problem. Plus- you really think this is gonna be the answer?"

What else could be? If we can go through this, then we'll build the bases of a solid relationship and we'll be much stronger. We will be able to control and resolve any issue.

But, the way we are now- we can't.

If we _can't_ make it through this deal, then we're probably not meant to be. Which will leave me devastated, so I _really_ want to try.

"Well... I think that's the only way to prove us right or wrong."

"You mean about being together?" he asks, while resuming the walk. We've been heading for my house without even noticing.

"Yes," I reply, looking for my keys.

"You think..." He looks down and then up to me, his voice is softer. "...it may be a mistake...?"

I can't find the bloody keys. I search them in my pocket, in my jacket, in my coat. Where the hell are they?

"No," I answer, focused on the searching.

"Okay... Brian."

Did I leave them at the cafe? Did I lose them? God, where are they?! I keep looking them, until I hear Curt yelling at me.

"Brian!"

"What?!" I ask, upset and worried.

"I'm talking to you!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," I say, and stop searching. "I just can't find my keys, and I don't have any copy." I take my coat off and look for them in the inside pockets. They're not there either.

"I do."

"What?"

"I have a copy at my place."

"Oh! Thank God." I put my coat on again.

He finishes his cigarette. "Now that you stopped freaking out- fucking listen."

"Oh." I'm surprised. What did I miss? Is something wrong?

"Alright."

He sits down the porch's step, and looks up to me. I sit down, next to him.

"Before we get into all this, I want to say something..."

"Alright."

He gulps, and remains silent for a second.

"I'm sorry," Curt mutters, staring at the ground. "And thank you." He turns his eyes to me.

"What for?" I ask honestly. I have no idea what he's talking about.

"Well... first- sorry for leaving."

"That's not-"

"Just let me talk."

"Alright..."

"I'm sorry for forgetting all you've done for me." His eyes are locked with mine. "And..." He purses his lips. "I want to thank you for doing so..." He looks away. "I've never really thanked you."

I don't know how to react. On one hand, it's lovely to hear he actually appreciates it all. But on the other, there's not even one of those things that I've done for him to thank me. I love him, I want to help him as much as I can. And it's not that I did _that_ much anyway.

"Oh...you don't have t-"

"Yes, I do. It's not like you help me through a tough moment- you literally..." He takes a deep breath. "You saved me. So..." he looks down, and whispers. "Thanks."

Did I? God... All this time I've known that he kept me from thinking that I was completely lost- that I had no chance to be better. In my mind, he was saving _me_. It never occurred to me that I was doing the same for him, or that I did at some point.

If he's talking about when he tried to quit drugs... Well, it was the simple fact that such an amazing person was completely wasting his talent and his very own life, and I couldn't stand that.

Now, watching him struggle to do it? Being really determined, even under such a horrible pain? That was what made me fall for him.

I already had an enormous crush on him, obviously. But it all turned real by that time.  
If he could get out of something so difficult and almost impossible to quit, if he could manage something that was managing himself. Then I wasn't _that_ lost.

Although I don't think Curt should apologize _at all_ for something like this, I'm not going to say a word except to let him know that I actually appreciate what he's doing. It's not simple, though- to see the strongest man I've known get so down on himself and just watch him.

However, right now isn't about _me._

I place a hand in his shoulder, smiling at him proudly.

He looks at it and smiles back for a second, but a grimace of sadness crosses his face.

I want to let him know how much it means to me that he said this. I know it wasn't easy for him, I know he's _not_ used to ask for sorry- and that it is a enormous damage to his pride.

I know he feels incredibly ashamed about what we went through at that time.

I really admire the fact that he took courage from God knows where to face me about this.

He's looking down, as though he were trying to hide himself. It's so heartbreaking...

I lean to kiss him tenderly, carefully taking him by his jaw. Our lips linger together. I don't dare rush, this is such a delicate moment for him- and I _know_ it. He breathes softly, looks at me and immediately shuts his eyes painfully.

It kills him... I don't know what to do. If I say that he shouldn't be ashamed, it will probably make it worse.

I remain still, letting him know I'm here for him.

"Brian..." he mutters, shutting his eyes tightly and grimacing. His voice is completely broken. I can almost feel the tears overflowing his eyes.

I attempt to hug him, and he squeezes me firmly- and buries his face in my neck.

My cheeks are already wet, I have no idea what to do to make him feel better. I would give up my life to know it.

But I don't- all I know is that I that I have the most wonderful creature in my arms and that I will always be here for him. No matter what.

He pulls away, and covers his eyes with his hand, then looks away and stands up. I look up at him, worried.

"So, back to my place then?" he says, acting natural. I stand up too.

I search in his eyes, he's still affected and just tries to move on. Which means he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

"Yes- we'll call a cab, though. I've already walked too much for a day."

"Okay."

We take a cab to his place, and he doesn't speak until we arrive there. I respect that.

We enter the building, and take the elevator. He's still silent.

When we finally arrive to his flat, he opens the door and I stay outside.

"You're not coming in?" he asks.

"No," I reply.

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because we can't be alone together, honey," I answer calmly.

He leans back his head. "Oh, right." I smile. "But I have to change, and shower and stuff. So, I won't leave you outside here."

"Then I'll go back home to wait for you."

"You have no keys."

"Bring them."

"No, I mean- it's just like ten minutes. Won't we go out tonight?"

"Well, we can. But then I'll wait here."

"_Fine_."

He attempts to open the door.

"Don't be upset, we agreed- didn't we?"

"Yeah- but ten minutes Brian. We can't even make ten fucking minutes? It makes me sad. I won't jump on you, okay?"

Well, I can manage a few moments, right? Yes, plus he's really vulnerable- I won't feel attracted by that.

"Alright."

"Oh, wait," he says, taking the key out of the lock.

"What is it?"

"Just to warn you, the place is a fucking mess."

I chuckle. "That's alright- I don't care."

"Okay."

He opens the door.

This is the first time I've been in Curt's new apartment. I'm genuinely impressed.

Despite the disarray- which is _everywhere_- it's a really nice place.

The living room has one big black leather couch with a massive telly in front of it, and a cute coffee table matching- the ashtrays full of cigarettes butts, of course.

Next to that area, there's a big glass table with four black chairs. Although I don't like them, it does look quite nice in here.

"Nice flat," I mutter, looking around me.

"Oh, it's much bigger- take a look if you want. I'll be in the shower."

I begin to pace all over the place. The flat is one big floor. It has an small kitchen, two bathrooms, I think. A big room with guitars, a vinyl record player with huge speakers, and another telly. The bedroom has a big bed with nightstand at the sides, and a black closet. Quite simple.

I open the closet, it feels strange to go through his belongings and it's also fascinating to know him through all this things.

As I rifle through the clothes, I find around five pieces of different animal prints. Why in hell does he use them? They're all so tacky. There's also a black coat that I didn't know he owned, two leather jackets, an amount of shirts- in between there's the one he used for our first meeting...- pants and t-shirts. And a collection of really strange belts.

Down the floor there's boots, trainers, and some heeled shoes- I recognize the gold ones that he used for the press conference... Such an invaluable moment...

"What the fuck are you doing?" Curt says, entering the room, abruptly abstracting me from my memories. "I don't think the keys are in there."

I smile shamefully. "Sorry." I turn to look at him, he's nude except for a blue towel wrapped on his waist, which matches his eyes at the moment. Maybe I should wait outside...

"Don't fucking touch my stuff, " he says, and heads for a black shirt and leather pants, slamming the closet's door. "I guess I can't change in front of you."

"No, you can't," I reply. Making my best effort not to point out the fact that he's showing all his perfect skin glowing because of the wet, and his hair is still dripping. "I'll wait for you outside."

"Why?" he asks, drying his hair with a small towel.

Maybe because this is a mean, horrible incitement?

"Well..." I look at him from top to bottom.

He frowns and then realizes. "Ohh..."

"There you go... Could you open the door for me?" I say, starting to get nervous.

"Sure," he smiles, and plants a brief kiss in my lips before heading for the door.

Oh god, he smells so nice...

"Ten minutes," he says, opening the door.

"Alright..." I look at him. I can't _believe_ I've got him right here- wet, alone, and I'm willing to actually leave the room.

He closes the door, smiling.

So- I have this marvellous creature at the other side of the door, wearing nothing but a towel and I'm stood here in the hallway- alone.

Great, this is going to be _great._

Although he shouldn't joke about sex if we're supposed to try to evade it.

In around ten minutes, Curt opens the door wearing the clothes he had picked before, and the same leather jacket- his hair almost dry, but not entirely.

"Won't you freeze?"

"Huh?"

"Your hair is still wet."

"Nah..." He throws the keys to me. "Let's go."

We take the elevator and believe or not, I'm fine again. Thank Christ.

"So, where do we go?" he says while stepping out the cubicle.

"Well, do you want to dinner?"

"Sure, but remember what I said about it."

"Yes," I reply, holding the door open for him. He looks at my hand and then smiles. I smile back.

"So?" he asks, already on the street.

I step out with him. "Let's make a deal."

"Another one?" he asks stopping a cab.

"Yes," I respond while seating inside it and telling the driver a really nice restaurant's address.

He turns his head to me, a little skeptic. "Shoot."

"Alright, so we should establish rules- rules that-"

"What? _Rules?_ You're fucking kidding me, right?" he snaps.

"No..."

"I'm not following goddamn rules like I was signing some goddamned contract for fucking sex- fuck off."

"But, Curt... it would be useful to prevent falling into sex."

"We just don't fucking make each other horny, is that simple."

"No, we need them. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to avoid things that lead us to it," I point out.

"What are we? Stupid? Do you think we _don't_ know when we're trying to get each other into bed? We fucking _know _it."

"Well, not really- since you were almost completely naked a few minutes before. Are you telling me you _knew_ you were provoking me?"

"No!"

"Exactly, that's what the rules are for."

He sighs, upset- staring at the car's window. Looks at me, and finally agrees. "_Fine_. But I'm doing this for you cause I don't fucking think this is going to be useful _at all._"

"I can live with that."

"Alright, what kind of rules are these?" he asks, sounding skeptical.

"We'll get to them in the restaurant."

He arrive the restaurant and ask for a two person table. When we're seated, we order one bottle of wine, one beer- one plate of roasted salmon with white wine sausage and one of beef and fries.

As we wait for our orders, I can't take my eyes off of him. He's _so_ amazingly _pretty._ Which doesn't mean he's not beautiful, he is- but I think pretty is the perfect word to describe his face. He looks like an angel- he _isn't_- but he definitely looks like one.

I love how simple he is. Give the man a cigarette and a smile and he won't ask for more. You only have to hear the words that come out from his mouth to know what he's thinking, you have to stare at his eyes to get him.

With me, on the other hand, you need an instruction manual- _at least_.

"So... I promise not to run away again," he says out of nowhere. I didn't even consider making him say such a thing. Not again, anyway.

"Are you sure?" I ask, staring at him in surprise.

"Yeah," he plays with his fork. "I freaked the fuck out when I thought you were gonna dump me. I don't think I'd risk it again."

But you wouldn't be risking anything...

"Even though you _know_ I'd never leave you?"

He smiles shyly. "Yeah. I'm not saying I won't run cause I don't want you to leave me- I'm saying I realized I don't _want_ to go."

I can only smile while taking his hand and squeezing it, gazing at his blue gems.

"Okay- long fucking talk to go for, what first?"

"Well, let's begin with Demon- do you agree?" I say, backing away not to get tempted.

"Yeah- how the fuck are you supposed to manage that?"

"Well, I guess I'll hear it- but I won't listen."

"You knew that long ago, and it didn't make any difference," he points out, eating the bread from the basket.

"No, I didn't. I thought he was a _he_- not an _it._ It's much easier for me to manage a thing instead of a real person."

"Why the sudden..." he stops, looking for the word while eating the bread.

"Realization?"

"Yeah, why's that?" he says, and stares at me, entirely focused.

"I went to a therapist," I say softly.

He hits the table with both hands. "You're kidding me!"

I laugh. "No, I did. I needed help."

"Oh my god," he says leaning backward, placing both palms in the back of his head- and then raises them. "Are you still going?"

"Yes."

"Are you taking drugs?"

"Oh, no. That's psychiatrist."

"Huh?"

"A shrink."

He deadpans. "I got _that_. I mean, what's the difference?"

"Well, a therapist is like a psychologist- he helps you with your issues trying to find out where they come from, your childhood, traumas, etc... Whereas a psychiatrist just gives you a diagnostic and gives you a prescription for the right medicines."

"So, therapist talks, psychiatrist gives you drugs."

I laugh. "Well, basically yes."

"Where did you get the idea from?"

"Well..." I begin, playing with my napkin. "I think I've been avoiding confronting myself for a long time. When you left, I had no choice but to do it. I needed it. It was extremely helpful."

"I can see..." he looks away, and nods slightly. "So what? You think it will never come out again?"

"Oh no, it probably will. But I won't be upset if you interact with him- I can promise that."

He looks up to me "Really?"

"Yes."

He thinks for a moment. "And what about me? How do I manage it?"

Here's the dilemma. I can act calm so Curt knows when I'm myself and when it's Demon talking. I can make the difference and I also can stop Demon from coming in, at least I think I can. But what if he finally makes it? What if it acts _exactly_ like me, and uses that to figure out Curt's weak points? What if it hurts him so badly, he won't recognize me when I'm back on my skin?

He's going to have to be _really_ alert.

"Well, that's what I wanted to talk about... You have to keep your eyes open, honey. I'm ignoring it, which means it will probably find another way to get in."

"Like it did the last time," he says, kind of harshly.

Exactly. God, I can't even believe that happened- it's so twisted.

"Yes..." I reply, quite ashamed.

He talks slower. "So...you think he'll pretend to be you again?"

"Yes, probably. But, listen... I can promise you I'll be calm and tranquil from now on- at least for a while." I take his hands and speak lower, so he knows this is dead serious. He nods and stares at me, looking quite scared. "Curt, _any _behaviour that doesn't feel like me- you have to promise me you'll distrust it. Ask me for a prove that it _is _me. _Every_ time you feel like something isn't right. Could you? It's _really _important. "

"Yes..." he says, slowly backing away. "What else should we keep in mind?"

"About this?"

"No, in general."

"Well, there's the other thing."

"Sex," he says with an obvious look.

I nod. "Yes."

"Alright," he says, leaning forward to me, and sort of whispers the words. "I'll play along all this rules shit. Tell me, what _can_ we do? That's what I'm interested in."

Just when I'm about to tell him that's _exactly_ what he _can't_ do, the waitress arrives with our orders.

"Finally!" he blurts. "I'm fucking starving," he says, immediately taking a bite of his beef.  
I smile, and take a sip of my wine.

"Okay, so?" he resumes the talk, gesturing with a French fry.

"Well..." I begin as I slide the knife across the salmon. "Let's number all the things we can't do, and see what's left."

"Okay...let me think," he says, leaning his head back while chewing. "We can't..." He points at me with the knife, and then burst out of laughing. "The whole concept is so fucking ridiculous!" I look at him annoyed. "Oh, _alright_- touch, like _really_ touch."

"No, we can't. We can't incite each other either, that one goes for you," I say, staring at him.

He chuckles. "Okay, we can't get horny- and that one goes for _you." _He sips his wine, still holding the fork.

"Can we really avoid that?" I say, laughing. Then I bring my fork to my mouth to taste the exquisite fish.

"Well, at least not out of nowhere," he continues.

"Well, here's the problem I have with all this contract thing- are you going to restrict all kind of things? I mean- what else I can't do? Cause I say 'fuck' a lot, you know?"

I laugh softly. "I'm fine with it."

"Yeah, _now,_" he points out rightly. "We both know you go fucking crazy with it when you're horny."

I widen my eyes- stupid words are going to ruin it all.

"Alright, yes." I moisten the salmon in the sauce. "But we'll try _not_ to get on the mood- that's the point." I take the piece to my lips.

"Keep dreaming- you _talk_ with that hot fancy accent and I'm already in the damn mood."

I gulp. Don't bring out you think I have a sexy accent _now_.

"Well, then I won't-"

"You'll change your accent?" he asks, cutting a piece of beef. "You can't do that... I can manage it, though- just saying."

"Maybe if we get distracted?"

He talks with his mouth full. "By doing what?"

"Talking, going out..." I drink my wine.

"Okay... What else?"

"Well, we can't be nude in front of each other."

He raises both eyebrows, while taking a sip of his beer. "Obviously."

"Not that obvious for you, I think," I say on the sly.

"Huh?" He looks up to me.

I sigh. "Curt, you were naked in front of me a few minutes ago," I insist.

He widen his eyes, sort of offended. "I was wearing a fucking towel!"

I smile in disbelief, staring at him. "Oh, excuse me! Because a towel is definitely a full covering outfit," I reply sarcastically.

He laughs. "Shut up. I didn't notice, _really_."

"I'll believe you..." I don't. "What else?"

"Well, so far we got- no insinuating, touching, no nakedness...is that all?"

"Well, I think we're fine for now," I say, finishing my salmon.

"Alright- dessert?"

"Already?"

"Yes, I want something sweet."

"Okay, what are you having?"

"Uhh..." He looks at the menu. "I think the pie, or the ice-cream, or both."

I laugh.

"I think I'll get the white cake."

The waitress comes, cleans up the table and takes our orders.

"Can you heat up the pie?" he asks her.

The waitress nods politely. "Of course, sir."

He always asks for it, he enjoys the contrast between hot and cold. So he eats the pie heated up, with ice-cream.

"So, tell me about your show! How was it?"

"Well, it was kind of awesome. For me, anyway."

"I'm sure it was for all the people in the room, too." He smiles. "Tell me about it! What did you sing, what did you wear?"

"Well, first show I sang only songs from the first album and two from the new one- did you check it?"

"Absolutely."

"And the other show was pretty much only the last record. I think I used those silver-plated pants for the first one, and the snakeskin print for the last one."

What is his obsession with animal prints?

"On top?"

"No top."

"Oh."

I instantly picture him- topless, tight pants, singing and squirming on the floor just like I saw him in the Death Of Glitter concert.

Our desserts arrive.

It occurs to me, suddenly- that while there's a mix of temperatures in Curt's Wild's mouth- that I can't taste at the moment- he might as well like the contrast in some other... activities.

Oh no, I shouldn't be thinking this.

Well, it's not easy not to think about something like this when you have a gorgeous blond bloke in front of you, licking and re-licking the fork, the spoon- and finally- casually sucking his fingers.

I stare at him, almost looking stupid.

"What?"

I drop my look. "Nothing."

I take a piece of the cake, sip some wine so I won't get distracted- or should I say too focused?- and then I realize that I've already had plenty of it and it's starting to... cause its effect.

Well, here's the problem- I'm really used to drink wine, it doesn't get me drunk it only...disinhibits me- considerably. And it also...well...warms my body up.

But I'm thinking, it's alright. We'll finish dessert, I'll go home, so will he and we'll be safe.

But I just can't get my eyes off those thin lips, they're _grabbing_ the spoon over and over as the drops of the melted dessert escapes, and runs down the corner of his lips. And he licks it.

He notices I'm still staring. "What? You want some?"

_Oh, yes._ But he's probably talking about the ice-cream.

"Yes, thank you," I lie, offering him my plate.

"Why didn't you ask for one?" he says, serving some of it.

"I didn't want it until I saw you, I'm sorry."

He chuckles. "That's okay, want some pie too?"

"No, thank you." I grin.

I eat the ice-cream, and remain silent until we finish. I can't _stop_ watching him and imagine all sorts of things I shouldn't.

"Something wrong?"

"No," I respond quickly.

"You're oddly quiet."

"No, I was just...eating."

"No, that's not it. There can be two reasons why you're quiet- one, you're worried. Two- you're horny. So, which one is it?"

"I'm...worried."

He leans towards me, I do my best effort not to bite my lip.

"No...you're _not_. Let's take you home before we screw it all up, okay?"

I take a deep breath. "Alright... Oh! I want to tell you something before we go."

He calls the waitress for the check.

"What?" he asks me, taking out his wallet.

"Oh, no- you're absolutely _not_ paying for the whole dinner."

"Why not?"

"Because you're _not_- I'll pay," I say, taking out mine.

"_Why?_"

"Because you've already paid in the cafe," I reply.

He looks at me, annoyed. "It was two fucking cups!"

"I don't care, Curt- you won't."

"Listen- I'll pay for my order then, okay?"

"No,_ I_ will," I insist, counting the money.

"No you won't, you pay for your stuff, I pay for mine- everybody's happy."

I sigh. "Fine."

When we've finally paid, we're standing up and heading for the door. He asks me to wait a few minutes before taking a cab so he can have a cigarette.

"What did you want to tell me?" he asks, lighting the cigarette.

"Oh yes, well... I think you should... you know, you should manage things. You should stop _me_ if I'm about to break the deal, because I'm thinking I honestly wouldn't stop you. I don't think I _could_."

"So, it's on me?"

"Yes, I'm sorry- I just think you have a much stronger willpower than I do."

"Alright," he says, releasing the smoke. "Just don't blame me if I screw it."

"I won't."

But I'm already screwed. I can't stop studying him- his eyes half closed as he sucks the tip of the cigarette slowly, carefully putting the object between his teeth, brushing his smooth lips. And then he exhales the smoke by parting them, and grimacing in pleasure.

We finally take a cab, after the slow sexy smoking motion picture, and we arrive my house.

He escorts me to the door, and I _don't_ want him to leave. I'm already really pissed off with myself for proposing this horrible deal.

No sex? No sex with _Curt Wild_ as a boyfriend? Am I _blind_ or just too slow?

There's _no way_ I can make it.

"Alright, this was cool," he says, stood up on the porch.

"Yes, it was really nice... Do you...want to come inside for...a cup of coffee?"

He burst out laughing. "Oh, come on babe- we both know that totally means sex."

Oh, 'babe' has such a different impact on me right now... And I _know_ pet names had the same impact on him that they have for me at the moment.

"Well, then...?" I ask, tracing a finger up neck and then looking at him. "...honey?"

He stares at me, momentarily affected- but then he takes my hand and bats it away. "Do you have some memory loss condition or something?"

"No...I'm just...re-considering it."

"Well, I'm gone- see you tomorrow I guess? Will you call me? How does this 'school boyfriends' shit works?"

Oh, can you even _imagine_ Curt Wild as a school boy? Rebel, smoking in bathrooms, staring with those bedroom eyes at girls and boys in the hallways. God... the only thought sends tingles down my spine.

"Well- you and I are friends, and you come home...my parents doesn't let you stay because...you know..." I begin, approaching him seductively. "You're such a bad influence..."

He can't help but grin devilishly at the thought.

"So you sneak into my room when they're asleep...and I'm all '_Oh, what are you doing here?! My parents will find out!_'" I exclaim, in imitation of myself- leaning my lips to Curt's ear. "But you just shush me and climb up the bed to kiss me...and I'm all hesitating, and...uh..._confused_...and..._extremely_ arous-"

"Stop it," he blurts.

I grin against his ear. "Because I'm an innocent British _catholic_ boy..." I continue, approaching further. "...so I don't even _know_ about these kind of things...but you do...don't you?"

He doesn't speak. I _so_ have him.

"You're this...rebel boy who smokes in bathrooms and escapes from detention, only to wait outside for a vulnerable boy like me and offer him a ride on his motorcycle."

"Oh, I like the bike thing."

"I knew you would..."

"What happens then?" he says, anxiously.

We're outside of the house, we're safe- right?

"Well, you are in front of me, over my bed in my room...all dark, of course- maybe except for the moonlight filtering through the window, so you can see my big eyes showing anticipation and...uh..._nervousness._"

"Shit." He shuts his eyes.

"And you _love_ it... you place a hand on my thigh..." I do so. "Like this..." I begin to slide my fingers up. "...over the sheet... and I can't _move_...my lips are trembling, my body is shaking and all you want is to make more and _more_ jittery..."

He gulps softly. "Fuck, how you do this? I'm totally picturing it."

"Well...I'm very silver-tongued...and I don't mean only by talk..."

His eyes fly open. "Alright," he says, backing off and trying to sound steady. "Enough- I'm going home." He climbs down the steps.

"But, Curt!" I say, knowing he's right, but not really wanting to hear it.

"Yes, I _am._ See you tomorrow," he says, climbing up the stairs again to give me a firm, rushed kiss. "I hope."

I bite my lip, and stare at him- his eyes show such growing lust. I can't _believe_ I'm going to miss it.

"I'll call you."

"Good." He climbs down the stairs, lights up a cigarette and calls a cab.

_Shit._

How am I supposed to go through God knows how many time if I can't get over a bloody dinner?!

This is going to feel like _ages._

As I enter my home, I hang my coat and turn on the kettle. It's freezing and I must relax- so I _need _a tea.

I stay in the living room, drinking the tea and listening to relaxing music until I'm finally calm.

I climb up my bedroom, put on my pajamas, and lay down.

There's so many things on my mind. How we're 'fine' again. How we might be making a huge mistake with this stupid deal- how we might not and everything will finally be solved.

How much I miss him even though I've seen the man a few hours ago. How I'm still recalling his warm breath against the cold air while I was whispering in his ear.

How much I want to keep building the fantasy... How many gasps I want to evoke from those thing static lips. From his rapt form, his speechless state.

I eye the phone on the nightstand. Should I? Would I be breaking the rules? We're not together so we _can't_ have sex, right? Would it be cheating?

I don't think I could care less at this point.

"_Hi?"_

He sounds peculiar...sort of...agitated? Or is that my imagination?

"Hello, darling- were you asleep?"

"_Brian? It's three in the morning- is something wrong?_

"Oh, no...I just missed you."

I hear him chuckle. _"I miss you too, babe."_

"I love when you call me that," I whisper.

_"I know."_

"So, you weren't asleep?" I ask, already knowing he wasn't.

_"Uhh...no."_

"What were you doing, then?"

_"Watching TV," _ he says.

I think he's lying...

"Are you right now?"

He pauses_. "No."_

"What are you doing _right _now?"

_"I'm just...lying on bed."_

"Not sleeping."

_"No."_

"I see..."

There can be no question. He's absolutely just- or maybe more- aroused as I am.

I can only imagine him lying down in his bed, in the middle of the dark, while soft gasps and moans escape from his lips according his hand's motion. Well, it might still be my imagination but I'm driving myself completely bloody mental anyway.

"What are you wearing?" I begin.

_"Huh?"_

"What are you wearing?" I repeat, sounding more eager than I wanted to.

He pauses for a minute, and then responds with a whisper- I can hardly hear him.

"_Nothing."_

_Jesus. _I _knew_ it.

_"_Curt, were you-"

_"Yeah, shut up."_

_Oh my God._

"What were you thinking of?" I say, making my best effort to sound dark instead of completely breathy.

"_Your little story, drove me fucking crazy," _he says, his voice sounds so husky.

"Did it?"

"_Yeah."_

"Do you want me to continue?"

_"Not sure- isn't that breaking your fucking rules?"_

"Well, we didn't really specify this situation- did we?"

"_I guess not."_

"Well, so we might add it tomorrow but tonight, we're not breaking any of them."

"_I guess. But it's late to go over your place."_

"Oh, you don't need to come here."

_"Would you?"_

"No, I'll tell you right now."

_"What?"_

"I'll tell you by phone."

_"That's weird."_

It suddenly strikes me, that no matter how filthy or wild Curt can be- he has no idea of any kind of couple stuff. Which is why I imagine he'd never had phone sex, and- I dare to say, he doesn't even _know_ it exists.

"Have you never heard of phone sex?"

"_What? No- plus, you can't fuck through the phone."_

"Well, no- but you can pretend you do."

_"That sucks."_

"Oh, I'll have to disagree. Didn't you get off while I was talking to you, at the door?"

_"Yeah."_

"Well, this is just like that."

_"But you can't touch me."_

"No, but you can."

_"I don't get it."_

You'll _so_ do in a minute...

"Let me show you, just tell me what you're thinking of in this very moment," I say- I'm so anxious to try it out with him. This might be really interesting...

_"Uh...your story."_

"Good, what am I doing?"

_"Just sort of...looking at me and saying you don't want me to do anything else."_

Okay, focus. So I'm a school boy...innocent, catholic- practically a nun. And a rocker blond boy, wearing eyeliner and a leather jacket has entered my room while I was sleeping. I think I'd be exceedingly nervous.

"Uh...Don-Don't touch me..." I act.

_"What?"_

"Please, I'm...you're too...too close..."

"_Oh, shit."_

"Come on, honey- play along."

_"Uhh.. I don't know how the fuck to do it."_

"Just say what you would say to me in your head. Did we kiss already?"

"_No."_

So I haven't accepted I'm attracted to him yet. Great, this is _gold._

"Alright, try it."

_"Okay...you're...really hot."_

_"_Uhh...Umm...I..."

I swear to god I can _hear_ him biting his lip right now.

"_Your lips are so...full and goddamn sensual, you're wasting them."_

"God..."

That wasn't my character...

"Wasting them for what? For...huh...- I'm blushing," I clarify. "-kissing you?"

_"Uh...__**No**__. I can show you if you want."_

_Great, _he's already immersed in the story

"I don't...I don't know what you mean..." I say, making my voice tremble.

"_I'm lying in the bed now, and just kind of...grabbing your hair."_

Oh wow, he learns fast.

"Alright," I say breathily.

_"Come over me."_

"I do."

_"Have you ever given anybody a blowjob?"_

_God._

"What's...what's that?"

_"Shit, don't be so fucking innocent."_

"You don't like it?"

_"Shut up."_

_Jesus_. Alright, this is _my _field- I can't let him win.

"I'd be...staring at your eyes now, sort of...scared, but excited."

_"I'm taking your hand now and slide it inside my pants."_

_Jesus Christ._

"I'm shocked, speechless and crazily turned on."

Like I bloody am right now.

"_You'd have to put your lips around this," _he growls.

_Any time you want._

"Why is so... so...hard?"

He comes out of character. _"Fuck you, you sound like a fucking virgin."_

"I am," I reply.

_"Shit."_

"Go on."

God, I'm _so_ anxious.

_"Because of you."_

"M-Me...?"

"_Yes, cause I'm dying for you to suck it."_

_God yes._

_"_How do I do so?"

_"Just...- I'm unzipping myself- take it with your mouth."_

_Oh God. _

"Uhh...- then I place my lips over the tip, completely _trembling _and breathing quickly so you can feel it...and then I just stay there, immobile."

_"Fuck. Go on."_

Christ. You can even _begin _to imagine how much I'm enjoying this. This is one thousand times hotter than any other phone sex session I had in my entire life.

It might be the fact the he is _Curt_ Fucking _Wild,_ it might as well be that he doesn't really know anything about this- it reveals me that sort of...innocence he has left.

Or it might be- and it probably is- the fact that I'm _in love_ with this man, he's not a random lover- I'm not _just_ having fun...

"I shyly take it in my mouth, looking at you... waiting for approval and as I feel how incredibly _burning_ it feels... I go deeper."

_"Holy shit."_

I hear his breath, crazily agitated at the other side of the phone. Mine is worse, but I manage to hide it.

"And I...start to run my tongue awkwardly all over your cock cause... I don't know what I'm doing but I like it _so_ much..."

_"Oh. God."_

"And I...uh..." My breath doesn't let me continue. I can't even touch myself cause I know I'll explode the moment I do.

_"Go on."_

"I..."

_"Keep fucking talking."_

"Uhh..and then I...uhh...push your cock deep between my lips, completely...running my hands up and down your chest, your thighs, squeezing it all."

He doesn't speak this time- he just moans...so exquisitely I can't keep my hands off my own hard-on anymore.

"And you just...you have to take me by the hair and control it, cause I'm going bloody insane. You tell me no teeth, press your lips, take it deeper and all that..."

He pants as I'm completely shivering in the bed, squirming over the sheets, breathing crazily quickly- bumping my own cock rapidly, already over the edge.

"And I...Ohh..._God._"

I gasp, and moan, and groan over and over...he does too...constantly repeating my name...

I can't stop gasping.

"_Fuck- Brian."_

I can feel, it, I can absolutely feel how he's stroking and _grabbing_ and _bumping _his cock. I can picture him sweating, clenching his teeth, leaning down his head.

"_Oh, baby!"_

_Holy mother of God._

I cry out hoarsely, feeling the electricity rocket through my body, writhing on the bed as the phone slides of my hand, falling onto the floor.

After a minute or so, completely exhausted, I reach for the phone in the floor. I hear nothing.

"Curt?" Nothing. "Curt?"

After a while, as I'm trying to catch back my breath, I hear he's picking the phone up.

"_You're amazing," _he mutters, out of breath.

"I told you..." I say, half laughing half gasping.

"_This is awesome."_

I laugh. "It is."

He chuckles, his breath still gone. _"Jeez, I won the lottery with you."_

I smile widely. "Are you tired?"

_"Fucking spent."_

_"_Why don't we go sleep now?" I suggest, I'm pretty much baked myself.

"_Yeah, good idea."_

"I'll call you as soon as I wake up so we can decide where to meet, alright?"

_"Yeah."_

"Alright, then...good night, honey."

_"Night, and uh...Brian?"_

"Yes?"

_"I love you."_

If this isn't the first time Curt actually _tells_ me that he loves me out of nowhere, then it is one of the few. My heart almost stop beating when I hear it, it simply takes my breath away.

"I love you too."

_"I know," _ he says sweetly.

I hate so much that I can't hug him and dream on his chest tonight. I think that, despite the actual sex- that's what I'm going to miss the most.

"Goodnight, my love," I say, knowing it sounds absolutely stupid but I just can't help it.

He chuckles softly. _"Night, handsome."_


	14. Close

**Author's note:**

* * *

**So, this chapter is almost as long as the last one. I guess there's so much happening right now that I'm getting used to it xD My loyal readers, ChinaWolf, Mychelle- I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: Close.**

* * *

"_I'm coming, I'm coming!_," I yell as I adjust robe's rope, storming down stairs as I hear the bell ring for the second time. I clean the sleep from my eyes and try to adjust them to the daylight.

What time is it?

I open the door, still quite sleepy.

"Hi, sleeping beauty."

I squint my eyes. Is that Curt?

"What are you doing here?" I ask softly, trying to wake up. And then realize it _is_ him.

"Well," he says with the most stunning smile on his face. "We're dating, right? So I'm picking you up." He enters the living room.

Oh God… Wake me up every day like this and I'll just die of joy.

"Oh…that's so romantic," I reply, leaning for a morning kiss.

"Oh no, not romantic." He cups my jaw. "This is real," he mutters against my lips. I look at him, not believing I'm actually quite this happy and proud of having shared my feelings with him.

What else could I ask for? Love awakening all my senses...

Our lips brush tenderly, and I open my eyes to meet this blissful look of serenity. I graze my cheek with his, leaning further for a hug. Then take a deep breath, and notice he's freshly bathed by the scent of his almost-dry hair.

"Wonderful surprise," I murmur, and pull away just enough to look at him.

He grins widely.

"Do you want a cup of coffee?" I offer, heading for the kitchen.

He chuckles. "Last night's kind of cup of coffee?"

I laugh. "Oh, no- it's too early, don't you think?" I joke. "So?"

He smiles and sits down the table. "Well, yeah- if you don't mind."

"Not at all," I say, lighting the stove. Then head upstairs to brush my teeth and get dressed.

"Look at you, all fancy," he says as I climb down, a cigarette between his fingers.

I smile, head for the coffee pot and approach him. "You look so…relaxed," I say, filling his cup.

"I am," he replies, taking a sip after a short drag.

I stand up to make myself I tea. "Why is that?"

"Well," he mutters with his lips on the edge of his cup. "Last night felt amazing."

"It was," I say, sitting in front of him.

"Oh _yeah_, but I didn't mean that_._"

"What did you mean?"

"Like…last night I went to sleep with this idea that today I'd wake up and I could get to see you. You know how many times I wanted to do that while I was in New York?"

"No…"

"Every day." He takes a drag, as I'm speechless and not believing how open-hearted he is right now. "Every fucking day I woke up with this…weird idea that I was gonna open my eyes and see you…you know, next to me."

I nod.

"And when I did you weren't there, _obviously_." He takes a sip. "And it sounds stupid…but even knowing you _weren't_ fucking there- I'd wake up every day and felt like you were in the bathroom, or… I dunno, downstairs. Know what I mean? Like I was still…here."

Jesus…

"Yes, I know what you mean… Perfectly so."

He raises his gaze. "Really?"

"Yes…and I _was_ still here so it was even more difficult to realize you actually weren't. I_ actually_ went downstairs to look for you. Every morning…"

He smiles sheepishly and takes a drag, staring at his coffee. But his grins fades with traces of guilt…

"Honey," I whisper, approaching him. "Don't punish yourself. Two weeks…not that long- right?" I say sweetly, trying to comfort him even though it felt like two bloody _years_ to me_. _"You did what you wanted to do…"

"That's the thing," he looks up for a second, and then drops down again. "It's not what I wanted- never is."

I say nothing.

"See, it's not like when I get there and and I'm relieved or something…The minute I am there I go all '_Fuck me- I did it again_.' But can't really help it," he says, raising his eyes. "you know?"

"I know…"

"So, listen- now that we're all happy and shit, I want to…I need to tell you something."

"Alright…"

His gaze drops again- his voice is small. "Don't fucking listen to me."

"What?"

"When I threaten you and stuff, don't…don't listen…I'm bluffing," he whispers.

I lean towards him. "Really?"

"Yes. And if you…if you take it seriously, I just… I _will_ go," he says, his voice sounds unsteady. "Cause I _have_ to look like I meant it- but I didn't." He looks up to me, quite ashamed.

I take a sip and remain silent for a few seconds. He _has_ to? Does he actually needs to act for _me?_ I knew he didn't mean it…Otherwise I wouldn't want him back."Always bluffing?"

"Most of the time."

"Wow…I didn't…I don't know if I can-"

"Listen, Brian- it's not fucking easy to tell you this stuff, okay? I'm doing it cause I really, _really_ don't want to fuck it up again. Cause I want to stay here, and I know you too, right?"

I'm momentarily shocked by the sudden steadiness of his voice.

"Yes."

"But you got your two personality shit and I have this."

His pride.

"So if you're trying to fix yours so we can work things out, I felt like you should know this about me- I think it will make a big difference," he finishes.

"So you're literally asking me to dismiss you if you say you want to leave."

"Well, unless something like…really _big_ happens."

I think about it for a minute. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah- plus, if there's anybody I know I can trust won't use it against me, that's you."

I smile. "I'll keep it in mind."

He smiles back. "So….where to?"

"Uhm…I don't know- cinema?"

"Dark and noisy place when we would probably make out?"

I look at him. "You're taking it seriously."

He smiles shyly. "Yeah, I told you- I don't wanna fuck it up again."

I grin. "Breakfast?"

"It's like…eleven."

"Really?"

"Yeah, couldn't get outta bed earlier."

"Lunch, then."

He smiles. "Now you're thinking- let's go," he says, standing up. "I'm starving."

"Why didn't you ask me for something to eat?" I ask, taking my coat off the hanger, and wrapping a scarf around my neck.

"Well, cause we weren't supposed to- oh _wait_. Have you noticed? We've been here like twenty minutes! Like, alone and shit."

"Oh, true." I approach him sweetly. "We're improving."

He leans to kiss me, takes me gently by the coat lapels and mutters onto my lips. "Definitely."

We find a little restaurant down the street. I order the chicken and salad and he orders a big cheeseburger. Before the waiter leaves, he pours a glass of Coke for Curt and water for me.

"How did you sleep?" I start the conversation.

"Great," he replies, sipping his Coke.

"What are we doing after lunch?"

"Relax, we just got here."

"Oh no, I know- it's just that I have an appointment with my therapist today, and I want to spend as much time as I can with you."

He smiles. "Oh, don't worry- we can hang out at night."

I smile. Our food arrives.

Curt doesn't say a word, he's eating quietly which is really unusual of him.

"Is it everything alright?"

He looks up. "Oh, yeah- just…thinking."

"About?" I ask, garnishing my salad.

"I don't want to tell you."

See? If I didn't want to tell something to him, I would set on a scene for about half an hour at least until he figured it out somehow- but he simply _tells _me he doesn't want to. Why can't I be that simple? It's so refreshing.

"Why not?"

He takes a bite of his burger. "Cause I think it's wrong- I would be dismissing whatever the fuck I've just said in your house."

"I want to know."

"I don't want to think about it."

"But then it'll probably explode in the worst moment…"

He nods, upset. "It's just…I _don't_ want to go all the way back, but it makes fucking sense."

He chews and gestures with with hand to let me know I should wait until he's able to talk.

"What is it?" I ask when he's finished.

"This shrink thing."

"Oh…" I say, salting my meal. "I know you don't trust them but I-"

He waves his hand. "No no- it's not that."

"What is it, then?" I ask, drinking my water.

"I kind of think he'll…" he looks away. "kind of…take you away from me."

I widen my eyes."_What?"_

"Yeah- I'm not exactly… healthy, you know?" he mutters.

What does he mean?

"I don't understand."

"He'll probably make you see you're better off alone, or just…" he takes a sip. "Or you'd see it."

Where did _that_ came from?

"What the hell are you talking about?" I snap.

He deadpans, looking away, and then places his burger on his plate. "Brian, come on!" I frown, still waiting for a reasonable answer. "I'm a fucking mess, he'll probably notice I'm not the best option for you right now."

"Why do y-"

"_Or_ you'll get fixed and see it yourself. And I'm _not_ saying I don't want you to. It's damn good for you."

I don't say a word, I'm sort of annoyed with him for bringing such a baseless stupid idea out of nowhere. The main reason I'm going to therapist is because I finally realized I should take care of myself and _why_ is that? Because of him.

Maybe he didn't do it on purpose, probably not. But anyway it was _him_ leaving who left me with no other option. Isn't it? So he's suddenly not healthy for me? _I'm _not healthy for me! He has _nothing_ to do with it!

"A hopeless junkie isn't."

_That's it._

"Are you out of your mind? You're _nothing_ like that to me." I say, genuinely upset.

"Which doesn't mean I'm not _for real_."

Oh, no -he _can't _be throwing this on my face.

"What if I… what if I have a relapse?" he goes on, oblivious of my reaction. "You can't _waste _your life taking care of me."

"What?! Why are you telling me all this out of _nowhere_?"

"It makes _sense_, okay? I'm just thinking you should know it from me before you see it yourself. I'm not gonna change, Brian- I'll always stay the same."

When did I _ever _ask him to-

"I don't _want_ you to change."

"I know, but _you_ will- and when you do you'll see you've been wrong. And the truth is that if that's better for you I'll just fuck off."

Wrong about _what?! _Why would he- _God_.

I throw the napkin on the table, and look at him right in the eye.

"Alright, Wild- you're going to have to get it together." He backs off, offended. "You're completely wrong. If it weren't for _you_ I would have been probably falling apart."

"Well, look who's talking! I would probably be _dead._ That's not a fucking reason, you're not falling apart anymore- you _can_ do it _alone_._"_

Alright, not only I have _no _idea where all this paranoia has come from but I don't _get_ his point. Yes, I'll improve and so will _we_. And if I'm taking this step it's because he made me see that I couldn't keep on this on my own.

I can also understand Curt thinks that Dr. Stevens will drag me away from him because of his past, even if he won't.

_Now_, what the _hell _has that anything to do with the fact that _he_ got clean and how is that he thinks that's _my _merit- for _God's sake_!

_He _got out, _he_ did it and he needs _no one_ for it or anything else. Even if I locked him up in that room he could very easily figure a way out or punch me and run away when I came in. It wasn't because of _me._

It's not that if I weren't there at the time he would have died- _Oh dear Lord, _what kind of _bollocks_ is that?!

I lean towards him, dead serious. "Don't you _dare_ say you're alive because of me, don't be _stupid_- you were and _are _strong enough to get out of _anything._ Don't you _dare_ say you depend of me or _anyone_ else _**ever**__ again_."

He stares, speechless.

Now, I'm in trouble. I'm right but I've just put Curt in a difficult situation- he does _not_ like to be wrong, let alone being called stupid. He would know I'm right but he won't show it.

"That's not the point, anyway," he mutters, offended.

"The point is that you're worried about me realizing something that is not there."

"_No._ The point is that I want you to be better, and this guy does too cause you fucking pay him for it. So I'm thinking _I'm_ not good for you. I mean, I buy all the things you told me- I really believe you. But _now? _ Now I don't do _anything_ for you but cause you troubles. And _you_'ll see that. You're...sort of blind now."

"I am, and I can't get to take care of you as you deserve it for it. And that will change."

"Fuck, Brian- it's like talking to a goddamn wall! You can't see I'm _not _good, I _don't _deserve whatever you say I do."

"You want me to tell you _exactly_ what good you do for me? Something that even Dr. Stevens agreed with?"

"There's no such thin-"

"You want to hear it or _not?_"

He looks away. _"_Whatever."

Prideful bastard.

"I won't tell you if you give me that tone, this is serious. And it's something to keep you from doubting endlessly so don't bloody roll your eyes at me."

He stares at me, surprised. "Alright," he finally says in a soft tone.

I breathe deeply. "You bring me back to reality. I...I can't do that without you and I don't listen anyone else who tries to warn me."

He doesn't speak, but pays full attention.

"I'm not just talking about the fact that you help me to get rid of Demon or anything along those lines..."

Although he had a lot to do with it.

I was convinced I didn't exist. It was all character...I couldn't distinguish who was the real one and simply figured out that maybe it just wasn't there. And he treated me like Brian, not Maxwell, he wanted _me._

And...I started to feel...real. I know it's pathetic to need someone to recognize yourself but yes, I'm that pathetic. _Was_. Even if I lose him right now, I won't go back there. I know who I am- even if I have one million issues, now I know where they are.

"I'm talking about _me._ I... Remember that time you told me you felt alive around me...?"

"Yes."

"You did mean it, didn't you?"

His expression softens, even his voice does. "Yes...I...I never felt that before. I mean, I had all the reasons to die for, I think it's easy to find them. But...finding one to go on is just...fucking huge."

God, that's simply heartbreaking in any possible sense. I swallow my tears not to lose my point.

"Well...I never felt this either. I feel _real_ around you_.._. You don't force me to be a character, you take the real me and slap him in the face and that's what I _need._"

He chuckles at the thought as I lean to take his hand.

"I...I can't handle reality sometimes...most of the time, really," I admit, looking down. "So I...I find a way not to see it." I raise my head. "But you do, and I _listen_ to you. So suddenly I'm back on earth...It's not easy for me, but it's much healthier."

He thinks about it for a minute. "Why me among the others?"

"Because I respect you. And I admire you."

"Which part?" he asks, skeptical.

"Your willpower. Your strength. All the things I _don't_ have- I'm learning them with you."

He says nothing.

"Is that enough for you?" I ask sweetly.

He smiles shyly. "Yeah, that helps."

I smile back.

"Anyway- what the fuck is that guy doing to you? Is he a fucking wizard or something? Man, you're so all together recently."

I laugh. "It's you, honey- you keep my feet on the ground."

He smiles widely and takes a bite of his burger. I resume my own meal. We eat in silence for a while, looking at each other and grinning.

"New topic?" I ask, joyful.

"Uhh...Are you still a bit straight?"

I laugh and the completely different subject. "There's no such a thing," I point out.

You're not _a bit_ straight or a _bit_ homosexual. One or the other, or you are bisexual. Well…you're _probably_ bisexual anyway.

"You tell _me_, bisexual queen," he teases me.

I laugh. "I'm not straight or homosexual. I just _am._"

"Then, well. What would you do if you meet the most rocking babe you've ever seen and it's a chick?"

"I'd shag her- you?"

"Nah, not really. Not after knowing guys."

I smile. "Your loss."

He pauses for a moment to eat his burger. "Have you ever fucked a straight guy?"

"Uhhm…I'm not quite sure. Didn't get to know them that much."

"I did."

"Really? Is it different?"

"Uh…yeah, they're all submissive in a weird way. Not like a submissive gay guy, like… they just want to cheat on his wives with one. Turns him on being fucked instead of fucking- big change."

"Well, I absolutely get that. First time I tried it out with a bloke I was all 'Oh, yes- this is definitely my thing.'"

He laughs.

"And I also get why they tried with something like _you,_" I point out.

"Huh?"

"Well…let me put it this way: Were I straight, you're the kind of bloke I would cheat on my wife with- no, wait! I take that back. I would _leave_ my wife and my four children to live with you in a hut at the end of the world."

"_What?_" he laughs in disbelief, it's adorable. "Yeah, that's you. And you're fucking crazy."

I smile warmly, nodding. "For you."

"And you _did_ cheat on your wife with me."

"Oh, I _know_…I got a hell of a kick out of that."

"So you were one of those..."

I blush.

"But I don't really get it," he continues. "I mean, you're the same guy that had a fucking orgy in his own house, right? You weren't _that _faithful for cheating to be a turn-on."

I laugh. "Oh no- I know. But that was Demon's definition of…fun, I guess. It wasn't part of me, really. You, on the other hand, were this _real _affair. You remember- don't you?"

"Yeah…about that…"

"Yes?"

"There's something that it's been driving me crazy for a while- I've got a…I've got a question."

"Alright."

"When Jerry invited me to your sexual party in your house, and I left the all-you-can-fuck room, so we could be have our own fun…"

I bite my lip. "Yes."

"Was that _you_?"

"Of course it was."

He backs off, staring at me. "Then _you_ were part of the orgy thing- not that I care, just making sure."

"Well, when I was back in my skin I was already there. But I was rather used to it, if you must know. It was no surprise. It was disgusting but I had no other choice."

"But…" He hesitates. "That look you gave me? That was you- right?"

"Well…" I say, approaching him with the same luring eyes and speaking in a sultry tone of voice. "What do _you_ think…?"

He gulps, chokes on his food and then backs away. "Cool."

I smile smugly and the resume the talk. "But _you_'re the one who dragged me with those hypnotic eyes. _So_ bloody hot. You just…enchanted me."

"Yeah…" he licks his lips. "Fuck, I was just _dying_ to get a taste of you. You had already given me all this…signs. And I was just thinking about the most filthy shit every time you showed up."

Oh my _God._

"Uhhm…I think we should go..."

"Huh? I haven't had dessert yet."

"It's that…" Think fast! "I'll be late for my appointment."

He frowns. "Didn't you ask me what would we do after?"

"Yes, but I've just remembered that I've changed the hour. I have to be there in thirty minutes."

_Liar._

"Then get your ass out of here!"

"Uhm…Now?" I ask, insecure. And realising how infinitely stupid I am for wasting about two hours that I could have spent with him for not having thinking a better excuse that won't get me out of this place.

"Yeah! Go." I stand up. He looks me from down. "Good luck," he says, leaning to kiss me while biting his lip.

"Thank you," I reply and kiss him briefly. I can_not_ kiss him for real right now.

I attempt to leave and he calls me back. "Hey!"

"What?" I ask, turning to him.

He abruptly takes me by the collar of my coat and says something on my ear, using the most sultry low voice he could have managed. "_I still think about that dirty stuff._"

_Oh, aren't you a ducky?! Cock-tease. _

I gulp, narrowing my eyes at him as though I were saying 'You're doing it on purpose, bastard.' He smiles sexily and and releases me. "Tell him I say hi."

"Bastard," I snap at him.

Curt chuckles. "You'll be late," he says, suddenly nonchalant- and turns away to light up a cigarette. "See you." He waves me while I'm walking away. I wave back.

* * *

I walk down about three blocks before getting a bloody cab. Wondering what things he was thinking about. I arrive home and catch up some reading.

Alright…good book, Earl Grey. Everything necessary to relax- Curt's filthy thoughts should be successfully pulled away.

Indeed.

An hour and a half later- between tea, snacks and some music- I'm calm and heading for Dr. Stevens' consulting room.

I tell him how I'm worried that Demon hasn't come into my head for a while, and it may appear in the worst moment. He explains to me that as I'm gaining more self-esteem and I begin to feel more comfortable in my main personality it probably will appear more sporadically.

However if I ever hear this voice- that he clarifies I eventually will- I shouldn't treat it as a real person so I shouldn't _argue _with it as if it were one. I should try to ignore it and make the external stimuli stronger than the intern ones- focus in what's around me and not inside me at the moment. That would be a first little step, but it's necessary anyway, it's not like from week to week I'm going to be healed. In fact...I personally think I won't, and the only goal I should reach is being able to coexist with it without affecting my personal relationships.

Speaking of which, he asks me about how I am with Curt at the moment. I tell him the truth, that I'm feeling capable of being honest with him and so he does, and how even if we're taking the 'no sex' deal seriously it's still hard to us because we're completely used to it and well, Curt is insanely attractive- but I didn't tell him _that._

Dr. Stevens explains to me that Curt and I had used sex as a refuge, a way to find comfort in the other as soon as we could, without taking time to actually get to know each other. So we don't for now, or not enough at least. We're two very damaged people looking for what we never had- company, affection and recognition, and we should work on that, not _force _it- it should be a natural development of the relationship because of the desire of both parts to actually build something stable, and if it doesn't happen then it's useless to keep it on going.

He doesn't agree with the 'no sex' deal-he thinks it will only increases our desire, but he also respects that if that's what works for us or if it makes us feel we are handling things correctly, then it's alright.

The last subject is that I honestly remember almost _nothing _from my childhood before Demon appeared. I remember how, and I also remember part of the why- I mean, how miserable I felt about my life- but I don't remember my parent's faces or…my house, or any other regular thing I should at least have traces of memory. It's all blocked and I should work on unfolding what's behind it.

He asks me if I have still contact with my family and I respond that I don't, for…twenty years now at least- maybe more. He asks me if I remember how I left them, if I ran away or something like that. And the moment he asks me that, I feel a tremendous pain in my chest, I begin feeling nauseas and I tell him I just can_not_ remember. I tell him about how sick it's making me feel and he explains to me that might be both a defense to it and an stock memory trying to manifest itself. He tells me to calm down, how we don't have to discuss it now but asks me if I realized how absolutely buried it is in me and how we should start work on it, little by little.

Around five, I'm back home and I feel strange and sort of unease. Maybe is because I didn't notice how little I remember about my life, and I'm aware there's some terrifying memory deep down. But I think it has been enough for today.

I dial Curt's number to invite him to dinner.

"_Yeah?"_

"Hello, honey- I'm back."

"_Hi, babe. How did it go?"_

"Uhm…A little harder than I had thought."

"_Really? Why?"_

"Well, there's something that I didn't know was happening to me that is simply _not_ good. But I don't want to talk about it…"

"_Sure about that?"_

"Yes. I wondered if you want to have dinner."

"_Sure, give me twenty minutes and I'm there."_

"Oh, no- I'll pick you up. But you have to give me more than twenty minutes…" I laugh.

"_But I can-"_

"No no, I want to. You already did it this morning."

"_So?"_

"I simply like the idea...Just let me, will you?"

"_Yeah. I mean, it's the same to me."_

"Well, then I see you in…an hour?"

"_An hour?! I'm starving."_

"But I have to get ready."

"_I'm not waiting one fucking hour, I want your sweet ass on my door in thirty minutes."_

Oh.

I laugh. "Maybe picking you up was a bad idea."

He chuckles. _"See ya in an hour, babe."_

* * *

In twenty minutes-that's only_ twenty - _I'm on Curt's building door. It only took ten minutes to get ready, don't ask me why- but it was easy this time.

I ring the bell and he answers by the entry phone.

"_Yeah?"_ He sounds surprised.

"Twenty minutes, Wild." _Blow me._

"_Oh, shit." _He laughs. "_Yeah, I'm not ready."_

"Oh! Isn't that _interesting_?" I tease him.

"_Shut up._"

He buzzes me in.

"Oh, I don't think I should go in there. Are you in a towel or something?"

He laughs more. _"No- now stop bitching and come up."_

I do.

"Come in," he says, opening the door only in his pants and his hair wet. "I can't fucking find my t-shirt," he says, heading for the bedroom.

"Excuses," I joke, leaning to kiss him. "You are a provoking bastard."

"I know, but I still can't find it." He kisses me back and begins riffling through the clothes.

I stand next to him, laughing at how worried he is for a bloody shirt. Specially someone like him who...and I quote, 'Doesn't give a rat's ass about clothes.' Yet he has one hundred pieces of animal print, silver-plated and black leather and won't use a pullover under any circumstances. 'I pick what I find first' my arse.

"Why don't you use another one?"

"Cause I had the fucker _right here_ and it just fucking disappeared."

"It happens."

The phone rings.

"Can you…?" he asks, still looking.

"Sure."

I stand up and head for the phone on the nightstand.

"Hello?"

"_Hi, I'm looking for Mr. Frederick?"_

_What?_

Who the _hell_ is this bloke?_ Oh_, no. This better not be what I'm thinking.

I cover the phone with my hand. "Hey," I call Curt. "Do you know a Mr. Frederick?" I ask, trying to sound innocent, but I guess 'You better _not_ know a Mr. Whatever' is translating onto my face.

"You're looking at him, and jealousy isn't sexy."

Oh, _shit_. Of course! How is it that it never occurred to me Wild isn't his real last name?_ Of course_ it's _a stage name_! Lord, sometimes I'm such a plonker.

I hand him the phone.

"Is it the tight black and white one you always wear with those?" I ask, so I can help him find it.

He nods. "This is him," he says to the phone.

I begin looking through the hangers and drawers, until my attention is caught by the sound of the phone sliding from Curt's hand. I shift my eyes and I eye him falling on his knees as he hears something over the phone.

I call his name, and place a hand over his shoulder, but he doesn't seem to be listening.

His face is pale, his expression is frozen. He stares at the wall for a few minutes. I crouch in front of him in silence.

"Honey…?" I ask, staring at his eyes. The minute I do I back away, discover he's not there… They're empty, seems to reflect everything around but nothing from his inside. For a moment, it seems like his soul has left his body. I'm momentarily shocked, and too scared to even move.

He attempts to stand up, and then _breaks…_falls onto the floor as the sobs burst out of his mouth.

"Curt!" I yell, while I attempt to wrap my arms around him. But he cries out hoarsely- scaring me half to death- _fighting _to slide from my arms, and I'm not strong enough to hold him in place.

A searing white pain floods my vision, and quickly turns into piercing stars as I feel Curt's elbow collide with my face, finally breaking from my grip.

I lose my balance and hit my head on the nightstand corner.

I wince, rubbing my head with my hand. For a moment I'm blind, and immobile. But the when my eyes turn to his shaky form again, I see him lying on the floor, with his eyebrows furrowed, eyes firmly shut, and mouth twisted in sobs.

The tears are running uncontrollably down his cheeks.

I _don't know_ what is going on! I _don't know _what to do or say! How can I help him?! What should I do?!

Alright- focus, you idiot. What could be going on? Who was on the phone?

He keeps yelling unintelligible things, lying on the floor and now curling into himself.

I approach him carefully. "Curt…" I whisper, not daring to touch him again.

Even though I don't know that the _hell_ is going on, and I'm _dying_ to hold him so he can stop trembling- I'm trying to follow the signs he's giving me. And he doesn't want me to touch him right now, that's for sure.

I approach slowly, and he stares at me with a look of pure and genuine fear. I'm sure he can't recognize me right now.

What _on Earth _is going on?!

"Don't touch me," he says, his voice shaky. "D-d-don't you fucking touch me," he sobs, while his body is trembling violently. Then he hides himself behind his arms.

I'm _not_ helping him. I'm useless! I can't leave him on the floor! I have to do _something!_

"Alright…I'm…" I gulp, "I'm not touching you, alright?" I say, sounding as steady as I can. "Listen to me." I stare at him, he looks so incredibly fragile…

What the hell am I supposed to say?! I have no fucking clue of-! Alright- calm down. I haven't done anything, this was out of nowhere… He may…he may be not talking to _me_, which means he probably doesn't know where he is. I don't know _why_ but I think that's it.

I have to set him in time and place. If it doesn't work, at least it's worth the try.

"Curt…" I begin, showing him my hands so he know I'm not going to do anything. "I'm Brian…do you see me? It's me, honey…"

He remains still, staring at me- searching for something familiar. I don't see _any_ of it in him. The Curt I know is completely gone right now.

"You're here…home…with me…" I continue, not breaking the eye contact. The tears gradually stop. He wipes his nose. _"_You're safe. Nobody is going to do _anything _to you."

He studies me, and then nods. _Yes_, it _works._

"Can I…can I move-" His eyes water, and he attempts to break in sobs again. "_No no no_- I'm _not_ going to do _anything_. You can decide, if you want me to stay away- I will."

He nods yet again.

I can't even _believe_ this broken mess is Curt.

"What do you want me to do? Do you want me to stay here?" I ask softly.

He nods repeatedly, the fear still blinding him.

"Alright… I won't move. Look- I'm sitting down here." I say, moving about two metres away from him. _Far_ away from you, is that alright?"

He nods slowly.

"Can you hear me? Just nod." He does. "Do you _know_ where you are?" He nods again. "Do you _know_ who I am?"

"Yes," it's the first word I've gotten from him in a while.

"_Good_. Take a deep breath, can you do that?" I ask, still staring at him.

He gulps hard, shuts his eyes and breathes deeply. For a moment he's about to break in tears again, but I keep talking to him- so he won't get lost.

"That's it… Breath in…breath out… In… Out…"

He does this for about two minutes. Then looks down, staring at his hands. I don't know what he's doing.

He shift his eyes at the floor, and remains still for a while.

When finally look up, I sigh of relief. His eyes are blue, and bright, and full of emotions again. He's back.

I approach him carefully. "Can I…?" He doesn't answer. I approach him further, place a hand on his shoulder and the minute I know he won't reject it I hug him as hard as I can and hear a deep intake of breath.

"Shh…" I caress his hair. "Everything's alright… I'm here… You're safe…" I whisper and keep warming him up by brushing my palms against his arms. Long minutes pass by, until I finally realise he has fallen asleep.

I carry him up the bed and lay him down- put on a shirt, take off his shoes and cover his body with the sheets and a blanket.

I sit right next to him, breathing slowly- trying to calm down. I can't handle this, I don't even know _what _I can't handle.

God I feel so…sick. My stomach hurts, I'm shaking. Bloody worried that something might happen to Curt while I don't know how the hell to help him. I'm completely _lost_.

I can't take a random idea and try it or- _shit._ I'm _bleeding._

I make my way to the bathroom to stop my nose from pouring blood, and realize I'm probably having not one, but _two _black eyes by tomorrow. Jesus, it _hurts._

"_Oh god…Oh, bloody __**hell**__," _ I wince while cleaning the blood. _This_ is why I don't get into fights.

That's not important right now. I need to figure out what to do when he wakes up.

I head the phone, not shifting my eyes away from him and dial Dr. Stevens' number.

I ask him for help.

He asks me to tell him the facts and I do, he communicates me that he had a regression- which means his mind thought he was in the place and time he was when a traumatic event happened. Or just in the past, but based on what I saw, I think that sort of even is quite obvious.

He also thinks it may be because of some violent and/or sexual assault. My heart breaks in million pieces. I _know _what this is about. Matt, his brother. I will _murder _that man with my own hands.

Dr. Stevens explains to me that it's probably better for Curt not to talk about it, unless he really wants to.

He repeats to me constantly that I should _not_ lose my temper and transmit nervousness and despair to him. And that it's not healthy for me either, since I can only do as much as my bond with him lets me. And I should remember that, and not take full responsibility for another's problems.

However, he says that he knows how much I care for him, and he knows I won't move from Curt's side- so he advises this:

I shouldn't force him for anything in the world and give him all the space he needs. He explains to me that this might be a crucial delicate moment for him and any misstep will have repercussions in his subconscious.

Also, I should be _extremely _careful and respect anything he says he needs.

He also explains to me that I should recognize the line between taking care of Curt and being constantly over him. He says that if he feels lobbied, the depression might get worse.

I thank him and hang up.

Curt sleeps the rest of the day, and I stay with him- obviously. I lay next to his body- not too far, not too close and facing him. Contemplating the peaceful expression after those traces of terrifying fear.

I can't sleep. I need to figure out a way to make Curt feel safe and secure.

He wakes up at night- his dry tears still stained on his skin. He squint his eyes and then stares at me for awhile, in silence. When he finally focused his sight, he covers his mouth with his hand.

"_Holy shit," _he muffles through his fingers, staring at my nose.

"It's alright…" I say, trying to keep him from feeling guilty.

God…his eyes are _screaming_ at me right now.

_**I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.**_

You're nothing to be sorry for- I shouldn't have tried to retain you.

"You should go," he mutters weakly and scared, still staring.

I manage to sound as sweet and gentle as I can. "Do you want me to?"

"No, but-"

"Then I won't."

He turns away, breathing deeply. I don't think he can see me like this right now.

I don't dare hold him yet, but he turns at me as though he was asking for it. I approach to cuddle him, and he settles on the bed and seems to fall asleep again.

The last hour memories begin to spin in my mind until I give up as well.

* * *

I wake up early in the morning, and Curt's not in the bed. I have to admit I partially freak out for a moment, but when I sit up I discover he's smoking at the window. I sigh and stand up to move close to him.

When he sees me, he looks…miserable. He puts out the cigarette and takes my hands with his, staring down at them.

"Promise me something," he whispers.

"Anything."

His head is still down. "You won't let me go."

Even as heart-wrenching as this might sound, I can't promise him that. I don't want to force him, if someday he decides it's better for him to leave then I would have to deal with it. He's not my property, he's free.

"You're free," I reply, hoping he would understand.

He raises his eyes and a glint of hope lit up his face. "With you."

I melt entirely. I don't … I can't even describe how I… I don't know… All I know is that this is the spot where I'm meant to spend the rest of my life. By his side.

"Then I won't, as long as you don't want me to." I say, smiling sadly.

I want to feel happy for what this might mean for us as a couple but for God's sake how can I even be near to that seeing him so awfully sad?

He smiles back and it fades in a second. His feet make their way to the bed. He lays down again, I do too- wrapping my arms around him.

"But _you_ can leave me, now- if you want," he says, facing the wall.

I speak smoothly. "I don't."

He takes a deep breath, his voice is small. "But I'm not strong."

God...I feel like I've forced him to show me he is. Yes, I actually love that about him and I admire it as well but...he's human- he can't always be strong, and he shouldn't demand it of himself.

"You don't have to be alone anymore."

Silence.

"Can we sleep again?"

"Of course."

I hug him tightly, and he breaths responding to the touch. He's so vulnerable. God, if I could just feel the pain for him…

We fall asleep again.

* * *

I wake up almost sunrise. He's already up.

"Good morning," I whisper.

_Good?_ Am I really _that_ moronic?

"We're breaking the rules," he jokes.

Blimey! He's _much _better.

"Fuck the rules," I reply.

He chuckles, and then remains silent.

I smile and instinctively lean for a kiss but then I stop dead, realizing I should be tremendously careful. But he smiles too, and stares at my eyes with a sweetness that makes me lose my balance. And responds to the kiss. Deep, and delicate.

My heart swells, my soul is returning my body. But then I look at his eyes yet again, and they still show sadness.

"Do youwant to tell me?" I ask.

"No."

"I'll be here if you decide to."

"I know." He looks away and remains quiet. "I'm hungry."

I sit up. "I'll make breakfast, then."

"No." He places his hand on my chest. "Stay there. I'll get it."

God, I don't want to leave him alone. But I should _not _force him.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I don't have anything to cook with, anyway."

"Alright, just…don't be late."

"I won't."

I get up and make the bed, take a quick shower and wait for him at the table.

He comes back, with a cup of coffee, a tea- some muffins, and a flask of whiskey.

Alright…generally I would ask him _not _to drink at such early hours but I can't really, not now. Can I?

"This is all they got," he says, placing the bag and cups on the glass.

He sits down the table, and takes a sip of whiskey.

"How do you feel?"

_Bad._ Don't you think, you idiot?

"Better," he mutters, not looking at me.

"Is there anything I can do to help you?" I ask, stupidly.

"You already did."

He's looking away and never shift his eyes to me. Maybe I'm making him uncomfortable.

"Should I go?"

"If you want," he replies.

"I don't. But if you nee-"

"Then don't," he interrupts me, finally giving me a look. He looks so…empty. It almost scares me. Not sad anymore, not angry- just…numb. Jesus, I can't remember I've ever seen Curt like this.

He always has some spark of a powerful emotion.

The flat on its own feels numb, as though there were some dreadful energy or something. Maybe if we go out he'll feel better- after all, he left the apartment as soon as he woke up.

"Hey…" I say softly, he looks at me. "Do you want to go out for a while?"

"Sounds good," he says. He hasn't taken a bite of anything.

He stands up, lighting a cigarette and heading for the door. Oh, he wants to go now- alright.

I do too, and we leave the flat.

We walk for an hour, and he remains completely silent. He doesn't even breathe deeply or anything- he's just there, walking as though he were heading nowhere.

I look at him all the way, but don't dare to ask him anything. I still don't know what happened. I have an idea… Maybe his brother called. He molested him when he was a child and I'm thinking that if he had called that would have been a major shock for him.

But he doesn't seem scared right now, although he absolutely was last night. Did he just crawl back into the same defense he used back then?

He's anesthetized, as though his mind had shot the chemical through his body to keep him from feeling.

If that's so- how can I get him out of there? Should I give him his own time?

Long hours pass by. Not a single word. Not a single look.

I offer him lunch, he shrugs.

When we are there I ask for me and he asks for a sandwich, the only words I've heard him say in the whole day.

We eat, and he seems to be in autopilot.

Around eight o'clock, we head back to his flat. We decided not to take dinner- neither of us hungry.

"Do you need me to leave you alone? Do you want to?" I ask him at the door of the building.

He turns his eyes to me. "No."

We go up.

As soon as we cross the door he heads for the room, opens the closet to take out an extra blanket and throws it on my side of the bed.

He opens the closet for me, indicating for me to pick something to sleep in.

"Do you want me to…?"

Curt nods.

He kicks off his shoes, and heads for the bathroom. I sit down on the bed.

He comes back, turns the light off and lays down facing the wall.

I don't want to speculate about anything. I can't make up my mind about something that I don't know about. All I can do, is wait.

I want to hold him and somehow make him feel alive again, but I won't touch him. I'm convinced he doesn't need it now.

After a few hours in silence I can't get any sleep. And my attention is caught up by an orange light dot. He's up too, and I can smell the smoke in the air.

Everything is quiet, except for the imperceptible sound of the cigarette being consumed.

"He died," Curt cuts the silence, his voice is cold.

_Oh, dear Lord. What? __**Who **__died_?

I say nothing, and make my way to the foot of the bed- in front of him. I can't see him, but I can _sense _him.

"I'm sorry," I mutter softly.

"I'm not," he says, harshly. "I should have killed the motherfucker myself…"

_What? _

Is he talking about any family member? All of them had hurt him, so it could be anyone. I'm thinking this might be Matt I thought first. But if he died, why are they calling Curt?

Hasn't he been apart from them for ages? _Does it really matter?!_

I remain silent, hoping to make him feel safe to tell me what's left.

"He…he fucked me up...you know?" he says faintly.

I attempt to sit next to him, and slowly take the already consumed cigarette from his fingers. I grind the cherry against the nightstand to put it out and carefully place a hand over his shoulder. He remains still. I attempt to wrap my arms around him, and he throws his body at me.

I swear I can almost _hear_ something just _break_ inside him. Just…crash. As though all the strength he's been building up has just fallen apart.

His fist firmly closes against my chest. His head buries in my neck. I hold him as tightly as I can, and he curls into me as though he were a scared child.

My breath hitches as I hear him sobbing softly, moistening my neck with tears as his hands holds onto my back harder and harder. He's shivering.

"I'm so fucking _relieved_," he murmurs difficultly.

I'm feeling horrible, trying to figure out what I can say to ease his pain but I can't.

_Relieved_ about _what_? That _he_ can't reach him?

My heart breaks realizing I don't _know_ him enough to know what to do. I don't know his entire story, I don't know how he feels about it. I didn't even know his real bloody _name_ for Christ's sake! I don't know any of his doubts, his fears… I think I've never noticed until now. But I _want_ to know from the deepest parts of my soul. That's not enough right now…is it? I'd say that is _nothing_ at the moment.

"Talk to me," I murmur sweetly. "You can tell me anything..."

And then I hear it, the most weak, trembling, full with humiliation voice I've ever heard in my entire life.

"_I couldn't stop him_."

_Christ._ Weren't the motherfucker dead, I would _murder_ him- _**murder **_him with my very own hands.

"It wasn't your fault," is all I can articulate. The tears are running down my cheeks. Only _thinking_ what he has gone through makes me _ill. _And fills me with a violence I didn't know I had. I want to smash this person's bones even in his grave.

"I don't want to tell anymore," he sobs miserably.

Every word it's said with such a shameful tone that makes me shiver.

Jesus…this pure creature…damaged by his own blood, thrown into the world with no tools to defend from it. Finding comfort in a poisonous needle. This world is so awfully cruel… If only I could take him far away from it… Give him a brand new start. Erase his memories, heal his wounds.

God, how I want to let him know how _different_ is the place he is right now, how far away in the past are those memories and how they will never become reality, ever again.

All I can do in reality is warm him up, lay on the bed and settle him over me, cover us with a big wood blanket and-

"Brian?" he stammers.

"Yes, honey- it's me... What do you need?"

"I don't want to think anymore."

"I know..." I take a deep breath. "Curt...?"

"Yes."

"Close your eyes, try to listen to me..."

I brush the hair away from his ear, and nervously start to sing softly- trying to push his horrible memories away. To make him feel protected, and loved.

* * *

_Everything will be alright tonight... I said everything will be alright, tonight..._

_No one moves, no one talks, no one thinks, no one walks- tonight..._

_Tonight..._

_Everyone will be alright, tonight._

_Everyone will be alright, tonight._

_No one moves, no one talks, no one thinks ,no one walks- tonight..._

_Tonight..._

_I am gonna love you till the end..._

_I will love you till I reach the end..._

_I will love you till I die, I will see you in the sky- tonight..._

_Everything will be alright, tonight... Everything will be alright, tonight._

_No one moves, no one talks, no one thinks, no one walks- tonight..._

_Tonight..._

* * *

**Author's note:**

* * *

******This chapter took me more than I thought cause what happens hear simply popped out of nowhere- I didn't know this was going to happen! So I had to put all the pieces together. ****If you could make a little analysis about this one I would REALLY appreciate it. This chapter is really important to me, I really want to know what you think. **

**And, the song Brian sings to Curt is called "Tonight" and it was actually written by David Bowie AND Iggy Pop. So, yes- couldn't be more perfect. **


	15. Better

**Author's note: **

**Okay, much shorter chapter but very dramatic. Please tell me what you think about this aaanddd thank you so much to my new reader Diana! I'm so glad you're taking all this work to get to understand it and it's awesome how you caught the little details, I really appreciate it :)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen: Better**

* * *

_"Brian? Brian I- I did something really stupid cause I was...I was freaking out and started to- and then the table broke and it's not like I did it to- I wasn't gonna- so I kept- and fuck, there's so much blood here! I have no idea what-! Just fucking take me to the hospital."_

* * *

The phone slides from my hand the moment I hear the line go dead. My knees buckle in a mix of fear, shock and desperation until I fall onto the floor. Only God knows how is that I'm still conscious.

_This is not happening._

_This can__**not**__ be happening._

Oh My _God_. Dear Lord, please let him be okay. _For the love of God he has to be okay!_

What happ-?! How is t-?! Why did h-?!

Alright_, settle down- __**focus**__. _I need to get there, _**now**_.

In the twinkling of an eye, I'm in the car- turning on the engine and making my way to Curt's house as fast as I can.

As hard as I'm trying to keep my mind alert, the thoughts keep nagging me.

_I should have known._

Christ, I_ should _have known! It was so clear he wasn't alright! It was evident he couldn't get himself together with a few weeks! Jesus Christ, I _cannot_ be such an idiot. All the signs were there- _all _of them.

How depressed he was. How weak he felt every morning even if he tried to make me see he wasn't. How he constantly tried to make _himself_ feel better and failed…miserably. How guilty he felt every time he looked at me. How he could never bring up the subject since that night- not even once. How his mind seemed to be gone, far away somewhere in the dim. How his eyes were losing their sparkle. How his smile couldn't last more than a fraction of a second. Even his usual rage was…vanishing. As though he had no strength left.

But above all this..._**how**_? _How did I fail to see it?_ How didn't I see it coming? What kind of self-centered prick am I?

He was noticeably…fading inside, every day, every moment, every instant. It was so _obvious,_ and still,I missed it.

He has to be alright, he _must _be.

_I can__**not**__ lose him. _

The traffic lights and my tears are burning my eyes- picturing Curt, passed out of drug overdose, or blood loss, or lack of oxygen. Laying on the floor, pallid, eyes closed, already going cold, no pulse…

I snap back to reality as I realise my vehicle has drifted too close to pedestrians and I swerve to correct this. I gasp of surprise when I overcorrect, and the wheels skid on the pavement as I'm about to crash into an oncoming truck. Don't ask me how is that I manage to elude it.

Once the danger has passed...milliseconds after, possibly, I'm lost in my mind again, scolding myself.

Am I _really_ going to spend this crucial time left by being nostalgic about something that didn't even happen?! Am I going to get down on myself and choose depression over the fact that I could _help_ him?!

Jesus, there's something seriously _wrong_ with me.

I press my foot to the accelerator, and ignoring everything I've ever learned in driving lessons, I am finally to Curt's building door.

I race to the intercom and mashing my finger against the bell desperately.

One, two, three, four, five. It took me six times to realize he probably won't be able to make it to reach the entry phone. God, I need to get in. I _need_ to get in!

I hold my head in worry, trying to figure out how in _hell_ I'm going to do it. I start ringing all the bells I can at once, and try to get someone to buzz me into the building.

About five persons pick up.

"_Hello?"_

"_Hi?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Hello?"_

"_Who is it?"_

"_Hello?"_

"I need you to buzz me into the building, it's an emergency! God, please help me I'm desperate, I'll pay you whatever you want if you let m- I know it's suspicious but I swear to God I won't-"

"_I'm sorry I do not know-"_

"_Who are you?"_

"_Do you need me to call the police?"_

"_Do I know you?"_

"_Hurry!"_

"_I can't quite understand what you-"_

_**Bzz.**_

* * *

My eyes shift to my bandaged wrist when I hang up the phone- couldn't even find an actual bandage, so I just tore up the sheets and managed to stop the fucking blood.

And this shit_ hurts_, and the blood slithering down my arm is not making this at all less creepy. Fuck, this thing is getting totally red.

I hit bottom. I was gonna let that thing win- that thing that is always floating around, a reason to die. Fucking easy to find. Always is.

Sure, I've been in that place before- Fuck, it _**hurts.**_

This is not exactly knew. But I was supposed to grow, to change, to do fucking something about myself and yet here I am- still a goddamn thirteen-year-old crybaby fuck being a pussy enough to shut the world off.

Cause I could count heroin as an attempt of suicide, that was the real reason, right? Waiting for the day that shit would finally kill my brains and fuck my body up and just be gone. But not having the balls to actually put a gun in my mouth or something- at least _that _would have made me less of a faggot.

Fuck, I don't feel good. Everything's spinning. And I'm feeling sick but well, I've had worse.

I stand up. _**Shit-**__bad idea. _I almost fall and smash my head onto the floor so I'll just wait down here.

I eye the ex-table- that shit is just broken glass now. Jeez, the whole room is fucking mess. Not saying that I didn't know I did it, I just didn't see it all at once. Fucking tornado.

It was _bad._ Like, seriously fucking _**bad.**_ And I was fine. I was more than fine, I felt good- _happy._ Like…that's surreal, seriously. But _that_ didn't fucking last. It never does. If the guy up there is real, he fucking hates me.

But I was doing okay- not doing fucking cartwheels down the street, but not _horrible_ either. I was fine, I was… Okay, so this motherfucker ruined my life and made them fry my brains and he's the fucking reason why I'm a junkie and stuff. So on top of all I'm gonna let him like…actually kill me? While he's fucking _dead?_ Fuck that.

I hear a desperate banging on the door.

"_CURT! I'm here! Let me in! Are you alright?!"_

Brian!

I'm in the back of the living room like…kinda far from the door, but when I'm standing up- ignoring that my head is a heavy motherfucker- I lose my balance.

"_Let me in! Curt?! Curt for the love of __**God**__, open the bloody door!"_

I'm about to respond but I realize that the sheet is all soaked and it's not absorbing any more blood and it's all starting to run down my arm and my body and it's freaking me _out. _

"_God, Oh my God please answer me. Please answer me Curt, God please, please! Say something! Let me know you're okay! Curt, JESUS CHRIST CURT OPEN THE DOOR!" _I hear Brian screaming like a motherfucker, and sobbing and banging the door.

Fuck, I'm feeling so...God, I'm stupid. I can't fucking _move..._there's just nothing.

"_NO! NO! NO! This is NOT happening! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! GOD, PLEASE! God! I can't lose you! Answer me! Are you hearing me?! Answer me!"_

"Fuck, hold _on_!"

_Stop _fucking screaming, my head's already fucking exploding. Like, I can feel my _skull_ throbbing and I'm sure as fuck that's not supposed to move.

"_Jesus you're the only thing that had been real in my entire life, did you know that?! God, Jesus. Please, God. Please…"_

Shut _up. _Fuck, I'm gonna pass out any minute.

I finally stand up, pushing off the floor with one palm- fuck, I can't even _stand _like a normal person. It's a struggle, but I make it to the door and open it to find an hysterical queen.

"Yeah, that's pretty awesome but could you leave the soliloquy for the ride?" I say, trying to point out 'I'm fucking _bleeding_ to death here, man'.

"Oh my God!" he yells, hugging me tightly and hurting the shit out of my arm. "Oh My God, you're alive! Oh my God," he repeats, tears running down his face.

"Yeah, but that won't last if we don't fucking move!" I snap. He immediately sobers, looks me in the eye, and nods. Then that's it- I fall against him, no fucking strength left. He stares at my arm, eyes widened.

"Jesus…" he whispers, and then seems come to his goddamn senses- fucking _finally_- and helps me to the elevator.

He's all shaky, and breathing hard- his face is pure horror and still he can't stop kissing my cheeks and my forehead and whispering all sorts of beautiful sappy shit. I can barely hear him. I feel like I'm far away now.

"_You'll be alright, honey. Everything's going to be alright," _I hear. I nod until the elevator light blurs my view and I'm gone.

* * *

I wake up on a cold bed, with a needle stuck in one wrist and clean bandages on the other. I squint my eyes against the white light and then shiver- it's fucking freezing here.

I eye a woman around me and then I see Brian, seated next to me and smiling as I wake up.

"How do you feel?" he asks, leaning to my bed. He's almost whispering.

"Cold," I mumble. My head hurts like hell too.

"Could you bring him a blanket?" Brian asks to the woman.

"Of course, sir."

"Thank you."

"Do you need anything else?" I hear Brian asks quietly. I rub my face with my hand and clean the sleep of my eyes. How long was I-

"How long did I sleep?"

"Just a few hours."

"Okay- can we go home now? I hate hospitals."

I really do, probably because when I was a teenage I practically had my own bed in a these fucking clean cold blinding hospital rooms. With all those white-coated fuckers and bitch nurses giving you damn speeches.

'_Oh,_ _you should consider psychiatric treatment.' _**Fuck you**.Fuck you _all_ with your straitjackets and pills and motherfucking healthy needles.

Brian squeezes my hand. "You have to spend some time here."

I frown.

"Three nights, at least."

"Shit."

"I know…but I'll make you company if you agree."

I smile, can't believe this man that was losing his shit like I never seen before, can look so calm.

"Thank you."

He smiles and takes the blanket from the hands of the nurse entering the room. "Thank you very much."

"No need, sir," she says all smiles. Hypocrite bitches. They smile and then they tie you to the bed and shock your body like fucking Frankenstein.

Brian covers me with the blanket and adjusts it to my body, making sure the air won't cast through it. I grin- he's so considerate.

"What time is it?"

"Around eleven- do you need to sleep?" he asks, and his voice sounds really soft.

"No, I can't." I _don't_ like sleeping in hospitals- I'd rather have the streets. I _mean_ it.

"But I think you need to rest," he points out.

"Yeah, but…it freaks me out- I _can't_."

"Oh." He nods slightly.

I look around and everything just revolts me- I'm not exactly in a good place to bring back those fucked up memories. I pull them away and focus on Brian, who surprisingly has a look on his face that shows no _worry_.

"How are _you_?" I ask him. He probably couldn't eat, or is really sleepy. Stress makes him sleep.

"I'm fine," he says, approaching and looking at me with those huge eyes. "Now that you're alright, everything's fine."

I smile- that sappy shit _now_ makes me feel better.

I start to get a little dizzy so I lay down and turn my head to him."Thank you for driving me."

"Don't be stupid," he says, all sweet. He looks down, and then at me again.

That's not stupid, what made me need it was. I didn't even had a valid reason. It was all fucked up memories and dumb thinking. And I don't want to go all back there again- I want it out of my system, now. "I wanna talk about it."

His body stiffens. "Are you completely sure?"

"Yeah."

He moves from the chair and sits on the bed next to me, taking my hand. "I'm listening."

"Okay, so…" Fuck, this is _hard_. "He didn't rape me or anything… Just…forced me to do shit." In his disgusting room, while everyone slept.

"Jes…" he trails off, probably cause he doesn't want to pity me. Good.

"I was thirteen."

I can totally read the '_God' _on his face.

"And I ran when I was seventeen. So…yeah, four years."

His eyes are watering, so are mine.

"You know, just…fucking touching me. And-" An arcade keeps me from finish it. Brian squeezes my hand, and I wipe my eyes and go on. "like…making me suc-" I swallow.

"Always." And too deep for a thirteen-year-old throat. Motherfucker.

I feel nauseous and a repulsive taste sticks in my mouth. "I need something to drink," I say, and so Brian stands up and pours the contents of the little water bottle into a plastic cup, handing it to me.

"Thank-," I try to say. Then I feel Brian's arms around me, so I drop the glass- thankfully to the floor and not on the goddamn sheets- and shut my eyes trying to fight back all the horrible images that pop in my mind. Somehow…they are gradually gone. I feel…kind of…protected.

He kisses me on my neck, then my cheeks, and finally very softly on the lips. _Lots _of really soft kisses on the lips, really. I feel like he's trying to wash those disgusting memories away and…it's working.

My body hardens- it's not that I want him to leave me alone it's…kinda the opposite. I'm not…fucking used to this. But...I…_want_ to be.

He attempts to release me. Fuck, I'm so stupid- I feel so needy.

Brian stands up and makes his way to the other side of the bed. He gently lifts my arm and lies next to me. Then he holds me...my head laying on his chest. It's insane how _warm _I feel now.

I curl my body into his, as much as the serum lets me. It's hard to keep the arm still while doing this but..._shit_- I wanna disappear in between his arms.

"I'm still thirsty," I say, settling and feeling more and more comfortable.

"Oh," he says, and reaches out for the bottle of water next to the bed. "Here."

I take a drink. "Thank you." And hand him the bottle back.

"You're welcome."

"You know if the nurse see us she'll get your ass out, right?"

"Fuck her."

I look up to him, smiling. "Good, you learned."

He chuckles. "Too much time with you...I hope it to be much more."

Yeah, that's...fucking sweet.

"Why are you always so girly?"

"Oh, shut up- you love it."

I look down, grinning like an asshole. "Shut up."

"Do you want to keep telling me?"

"No."

"Alright...do you really think she'll throw me out if I sleep with you?"

I chuckle. "Didn't last, huh?"

He smiles. "She seriously has the authority to do it."

"So what? Tell her to eat shit."

"Oh, I can't do that," he says laughing. "Plus, it would be more uncomfortable since we're two blokes."

"It's not like we're fucking, Brian."

"Oh, well. No."

I look up to him. "You wanna say 'yet'- don't you, perv?"

He laughs and then gets serious. "No, Curt. Jesus, not now."

"Oh, come on," I seat up, holding on my elbow.

He stares at me, offended. "Are you_ joking_? After all-"

I know, I just want to fuck _with_ you now.

"I'm fine now."

He looks away. "Shut your mouth."

"I am!"

"Oh, yes." He turns to me. "Let's simply keep an eye on the the IV so it won't fall out and we're perfectly fine."

"Exactly."

He leans up, worried. "Are you serious?"

"_Of course __**not**_, you perverted psycho!" I laugh at the expression of his face.

He opens his mouth and deadpans- "You're such a git."

"Talk fucking English."

He sighs, looking away. "_Bastard-_ happy?"

I laugh. "Yeah. I am now."

He turns to me. "Really?"

"Yeah."

He lays down again. "Aren't you tired?"

"No," I look at him, smiling. "But you are."

He sounds guilty. "Oh, no I'm-"

I grin. "Go to sleep, babe."

"Not if you don't do first."

"Uhh...okay- can you hand me your pillow?"

"Of course."

I take it and throw it at his face. "Go to _sleep_."

He laughs- his hair is all messy now. I like that. And he's so...fucking alive, you know? Brian is always kind of depressive, how in hell is he this good _now?_

"What?" He asks. Apparently I've been staring like an idiot.

"Nothing, just... Your hair is blue, man- were you aware of that?"

He burst out laughing. "Oh, Wild. You're making it too hard for me not to kiss you," he says, approaching me.

"Why are you so happy?" I ask- I don't get it.

He takes a breath. "Because you are here with me, and you chose to."

I smile. He's seriously making me feel fucking good. Cause somehow I know he doesn't mean with him but just...here.

"I guess."

He cups my jaw. "I'm proud of you."

Yeah, that's what he meant. Jeez, I don't know what to say. He totally turned this goddamn horrible experience into something that's making me feel really good about myself.

"You are?"

"Yes. You didn't need anyone but _you_ to come to your senses."

"Well, the blood helped."

"You know what I mean." He leans closer, really gently but his voice is firm. "You did the stupidest thing you could have ever done, and you _know_ it."

I keep my mouth shut.

"But you saved yourself. You took an enormous step to your well being."

Really?

"And you know what...? You did it _on your own. _See? You don't need anything or anyone else..."

Whoa.

"Okay, but I _want _someone anyway."

"Oh..." he says with a big smile on his face. "And who could that be?"

I grin. "A British guy I know."

"Oh... British, huh?"

"Yeah, blue eyes, blue hair, maybe you know him. Big star."

"I'm trying to recall... I think I do but he's a real mess, I don't think you mean him. He's...insufferable and...saccharine, actually."

I laugh. "I think he's sweet."

"Oh well, he's infinitely lucky. You're way out of his league."

"You have it the other way around, my friend."

He laughs, and looks away. "Oh! By the way, and I don't mean to offend you by this but...'soliloquy'?"

"Huh?"

"Sort of a...fancy word for you."

Huh? "What?"

"You said I should leave the soliloquy for the ride, I had no idea you-"

"Oh, yeah- I got that from you."

He smiles, smugly.

"_What_?" I snap.

"You learned too."

"Oh, you're sopathetic," I say, leaning to kiss him.

"Maybe," he smiles. "But you're even more, because you're falling in love with it."

I look at him in the eye, and notice that even though he's trying to joke with me- this hits him and he's dead serious. Which is weird, I thought we've already established this love thing. "Maybe..."

"Are you...?" He asks, honestly.

Well, what? Weren't we already decided we were in love and shit? I don't where this is coming but yeah...I am, I guess.

Didn't really take time to think it through. It just kind of...happened. I mean, this guy is like...so much to me now. Things would be really different without him and even if things don't work and I find a new person and all- I'm pretty sure I won't feel the same ever again. I don't _want_ to.

What this guy did to me is insane. Never felt this good. I mean, I'm in a motherfucking hospital and I still feel good- cause he's here. And it's crazy...but no matter how bad or great you are, he makes it all better.

"Yeah..." I cup his jaw. "Yeah, I am."

He smiles _huge_.

If it makes him this happy...no point in asking- right? But I guess my look shows that I'm kind of lost.

"Why?" I couldn't help it.

"You know why..."

Do I? I think he means that we- I don't know. We're kind of letting all that sick stuff behind us and starting like a more...healthy thing. I guess.

"Uhh...this is different?"

He smiles warmly, and leans in, almost brushing our lips to whisper in a that way that just makes me want to shove him against the wall. "This is _better_."


	16. Figuring Things Out

**Author' note: **

* * *

**Hi! I'm finally here. I apologize for the delay but it was kind of difficult to write this**** one, there was so much to figure out. This chapter is longer than the last one (I also apologize for making the last one so short, it won't happen again.) Please Review and tell me how you feel about the way they're facing things. Oh, and you can give me some ideas if you want to. Thank you to all of you, my loyal readers! And thank you to the new people who added my story as favourite. I'd love to read your opinion too :) If you can, please review this one so I know how you feel about the story.**

**Now last but not least, this chapter goes to Diana Dahl, my new reader who caughts every little detail and totally gets the dynamic of this relationship. Thank you so much for feedback, you can't imagine how happy it makes me!**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter Sixteen: Figuring Things Out.**

* * *

After three days of trying to convince Curt not to insult every human being in the hospital and do what they asked him. After three days of 'Get me the fuck _out'_, stopping him from throwing things and constant complaints. But also, after moments of pure sincerity that I'll always treasure in my heart- well, we're finally home.

Curt didn't have any sleep at the sanatorium, so he practically passed out when we arrived. Not before smoking _all_ he could find, of course.

He couldn't do it in the hospital- he _tried, _but he got caught and simply went _insane._ He _pleaded_ for me to buy some packs so he could smoke the minute he got out. And he did- _three packs in a row. _

I obviously scolded him about it but then realized he was entitled to it, he had been through a lot and this was his relief.

Meanwhile, we spent the day here- talking. He told me some things he hated to, and I tried to be there for him as much as I could. It was a strange day, nothing like the other ones. He's feeling…positively different.

And now, it's night again and Curt is sort of tired but I can't get to sleep.

"Curt?" I murmur in the dark.

"Mhm?"

"I can't sleep."

"Good for you," he responds, sarcastically.

"No, really- I can't."

He rolls over. "Count sheep."

I laugh softly, and then I keep staring at the dark- looking for something to entertain my mind. It occurs to me in these hours where I rave about the future, that I don't have any clear dream. And it's impossible for me not to ask if Curt does.

"Do you have any dreams?"

"I would if I could get some fucking sleep," he responds harshly, but amusingly.

I chuckle. "For real- do you?"

"What do you mean?" He turns around to face me. I smile at him, I can't see but I can imagine the curiosity mixed up with sleep in his face. I hear it, though.

"A goal. Something you wish with all your heart," I clarify.

"Uhh…" He faces the ceiling. "Nah, not really."

"Me neither…"

"What?" he asks, surprised. "You're _all _about dreams and shit."

"I know but…I guess it's the fact that I had everything I wanted and none of it felt like reaching a dream… Well, at least not what it is for me: Something that's worth dying for."

"That's stupid," he says. "For me, anyway."

"Why?"

"That's not what it matters, it's the opposite."

"Something worth living for?"

"That's right. You don't know what is it, though?"

"What?"

"Your dream."

"Well… Maybe, I have an idea...but it doesn't matter. It's stupid," I reply, quite offended.

"No, it's not."

"How would you know? You think my even thinking of it is."

"Oh, Brian- come on. I just meant I don't agree with it."

"Then say so."

He sighs. "Okay… Now tell me your goddamn dream."

"Promise you won't laugh."

"I promise."

"Alright, I think it would be feeling…understood."

He pauses. "Someone who understands you?"

"Maybe..."

"Then keep looking, man," he jokes. I smile sadly until I feel his hand on my cheek. "Just kidding… I'm on it."

I close my eyes, breathing deeply. "What's yours?"

"Uh...Let's see. Not sure but...I think what's closest to mine would be feeling…" he trails off.

"Feeling what?"

"It's...embarrassing," he whispers.

"I'm sure it's not."

He gets frustrated. "Don't know, Brian, kind of...I don't know."

"Why is it so hard for you to say it?"

"Because it's stupid, alright?" he snaps, his voice tense.

"Curt...I won't think it is."

He sighs. "I know- _I _do."

"It's alright...If you don't want to-"

"Feeling...safe."

Oh, God. Break my heart, why don't you?

"There- I'm a girl."

"Don't be stupid," I chide. "That's me."

He laughs.

"So, based on what you told me…if you don't, there's no point in living?" I ask, interested.

"No- Not that you _can't_ fucking live without that but…it would make it all… " He makes a pause, as though he was realizing something. "better…"

I can sense it, he's looking at me.

I lean to his lips, my heart is beginning to race. "Well, then…"

"And," he cuts me off, turning his head. "Same with yours? I mean…if you find something like that you'll _die _for it?"

I sigh. "No, but I could. That's the point."

"Explain."

"Well…For me, if you reach something that you've been dreaming about your entire life, something you…imagined, fantasized- built up your life on it. Then…you could die."

"Why? I mean, then you don't get to enjoy that amazing thing or whatever anymore."

"No," I continue. "But you reached it and why would you need anything else? Not that I would kill myself or anything along those lines. It's something that if you find, you could die in peace. You are ready to go. Because, deep inside you, you know there's _nothing_ that you can reach from now on that would make anything any better. You've already met the entire universe…well, your entire universe."

"Oh…well, wow. Didn't think of it like that- that's pretty awesome."

"Yours is too. Something to…give the life even more meaning."

"Exactly."

"Alright, let me get this straight," I say, sitting up. "I understand you."

He mirrors my action. "Yeah."

"And…_you_ make me feel safe, which means…we're sort of backwards," I laugh softly. "It's kind of…"

"It's kind of perfect."

"What?"

"Fuck- think about it. We totally fit. Like… I give you what _I_ need and you do the same. So, eventually…"

"We'll learn from each other, and get _everything_…" I whisper, stunned.

"_Our_ entire universe..."

Well…Jesus Christ. That's…simply…

"That's… I don't even have words."

He laughs. "Oh, shit- I broke you."

"The opposite, my dear."

I feel the bed moving underneath me, while Curt is reaching for the window to open the curtains. The dazzling moonlight lights up the room.

"What was that for?"

He stares at me, smiling. "I just…wanted to _see _you, now."

"Oh…" I stare back, immobile- as he moves towards me.

I look at him and I cannot read his eyes, which makes me…somehow nervous.

"Brian," he asks, softly. "What keep us together?"

"L…" I trail off. Love? Is it enough?

"I wonder so too," he responds to my surprise. Did you just read my mind?

"Really?"

"Yeah… Cause it wasn't _that,_ right? It was…"

"Pain?"

"Yeah..." he replies, looking down at the bed. "But, it doesn't work anymore…"

"Why?"

"Well…" He raises his head, and whispers. "It doesn't hurt anymore, not around you…"

Jesus… _Marry me._

Curt leans to me, in disbelief of how…stunned I am.

"You, sweet little psycho…" he continues, chuckling. "No idea how fucking _happy_ you make me?"

I shake my head.

"I may not tell you enough… Well, I may not tell you _at all,_" he continues. "But you _do_. I mean…I don't get how you made me feel so good at a fucking hospital."

"I wanted you to forget, at least for a moment…"

"But it lasted longer, that's what I don't get- and the only explanation I've found is that _that's _what you do to me."

I close my eyes tightly not to let the tears run down my cheeks. "You'll have to stop before I seriously turn into a girl."

"Oh, you're _way_ too late."

I smile, resting my forehead on his. Our parted lips are inches away…I feel the pace of his breathing, his heart pounding in his chest. His entire body, still. And even though there's still a grin lighting up his beautiful face- I can sense it, I can sense his fear.

"Brian…?"

"Yes?"

"I know that we…" He begins to trace his fingers over the fabric of my shirt. "…shouldn't…but…"

I close my eyes, his voice is so soft and unsteady. Nothing like I heard before while he's removing my clothes.

"I…"

"You…?" I reply, staying still. This moment feels so delicate. All he's been through…all those memories raising up the surface of reality. The never-stronger need for feeling safe… Somehow I know what he's about to say. But it still crushes my soul as soon as the words shyly escape from his lips.

"I want- _need…_you inside of me."

At the moment, all I really want is to wrap my arms around him and make him laugh- nothing more, nothing less. But I also want to distract him from whatever it's now stuck in his mind.

I gently approach, he's looking at me, breathing slightly more heavily. He raises his arms, allowing me to take his t-shirt off. I do so, and then cup Curt's jaw in my hand, perceiving his nervousness and his infinite doubts. But…above all- brand new determination.

Jesus…how brave is the man in front of me. How he figures out a way to confront his fears and memories instead of running away from them.

I come within reach of him, our lips nearly brushing. I wait, to let him know he's the one in control. To my surprise, he doesn't move- and I know he's expecting me to do it the moment he closes his eyes and takes a mouthful of air to encourage himself.

So…I kiss him. As softly as I had assumed he wanted me to, but Curt takes my face with both hands and dives into my mouth in a mix of desire and fear.

I follow his lips until my body is on top, and he's sliding down my shirt while I try to remove his. We stare, acknowledging what's about to happen.

Curt stops dead, composing his breath. "What about the none-sex deal?" he asks, genuinely worried.

I look at him, smiling warmly. "This isn't sex."

He nods, holding his stare while rolling over his stomach- but I stop him. I don't want to rush anything.

"What are you doing?" I whisper.

"Uh…I have to get on my-"

"Already?"

He frowns. "I guess…"

"No…" I reply sweetly, tracing a finger over his lips and caressing his cheek. "I want to take good care of you…"

"What do you mean?"

"Just relax…"

I stand up and close the windows just enough for the cold air to seep into the room without freezing the entire house. I move back to the bed, and settle over Curt's body- covering us both with the blanket.

This moment, I realize- it's crucial. This is all I can offer him to realize that people won't come close to him just to take something from him. To show him than hostility or violence are words that I don't speak and that it will never be spoken in our relationship. This is my chance to accomplish the most pure of his dreams- this is my chance to make him feel _safe_.

I carefully approach, to plant tender kisses on Curt's forehead, cheeks, slide down the corner of his mouth. To press my lips ever so slightly against his, attempting to sooth his nerves.

"I want you to be sure…" I murmur, kissing his jaw.

Curt swallows softly. "I am."

I lean on my hand to caress his cheek once again and lean up to look at him. I am nervous too, but that doesn't matter as long as I can manage to go as kindly and I intend to.

My fingers graze the silky skin of his bare chest, while my lips make their way down the base of the neck. He breathes intently, reacting to every spot that I visit.

Slowly, my mouth travels all the way down his waist- guided by the soft moans that I evoke from his mouth. Stopping on every centimeter of his body- kissing and smoothening every tense muscle.

When I'm finally there, his breath has became deeper and heavier and his voice is just a little bit more tight.

I trace kisses all over his hips and abdomen and further down while undoing the belt and sliding his pants down- getting rid of them. I gently spread Curt's legs, struggling not to lose control over the sounds he's emitting- distracting me. I breathe deeply before kissing his smooth thighs- _very_ sensitive spot for Mr. Wild.

As it is expected, he moans louder and leans his hand to my hair to try to bring my head up and between his legs- heating the pace of my breath and making it too hard for me not to lose my self-control.

I continue down his legs, but in no longer than half a minute my mouth is gently touching the burning flesh, and causing a shudder to climb up my back- making me release an inevitable moan.

As soon as Curt's aware of it, he bites his lip and I realize he's keeping himself from panting. His hand grabs my hair tighter and pushes my head, forcing me to take in his entire length.

No matter how _achingly much_ I want to blow his mind and beyond- I can't. I have to go slow, I have to relax him extremely while keeping the heat.

I back off, despite the disturbingly erotic sounds that leave Curt's mouth when I do so.

There's something I have to remind him.

_Not like this. _

Curt drops his head on the pillow, sighing. Then he nods. "I know, but…"

"Yes?" I respond, eagerly.

"_Hurry the fuck up."_

Jesus.

Why. I simply need to know why. Why does he have to say not only something that reminds me the night we got back together, but saying it with that _struggled_ voice that simply rips apart your mind?

Not having the will power to hold the desire anymore, I slide Curt's cock in between my lips- moaning at the shiver that crosses his body. I take it all slowly, circling it with my tongue and applying pressure on all the right places.

"_Faster,_" Curt gushes.

Were I in a common situation- God _yes. Anything _you bloody want, sir. I'd be already bobbing my head like a mad man without stopping until your mind goes black and your back arches while moaning hoarsely and _begging_ me to stop. But no- I can't.

So I attempt to compose myself, and back off once again- moving up to his lips.

"Don't fucking stop," he says breathily- and pulls my head down again.

Were I still catholic I'd be telling the Lord to remember this sacrifice before deciding if I should go to heaven.

I escape his grip to face him.

"I don't want to rush anything- I want you to feel s-"

"Don't," he cuts me off. His breath has suddenly became slower. His eyes are searching mine, and he looks hazy- but he refuses to let me know by turning his head.

"What?" I whisper.

Silence, fear, doubts- we both remain still. And just when I'm about to pray for his forgiveness in case I had betrayed his confidence, Curt takes my face with both hands and gives me most firm, passionate and heart-melting kiss I've ever felt.

I'm adrift, lost in a warm sea of devotion. There's _nothing _I would deny him. Maybe he doesn't understand me yet, but God…I could surely die with no regrets laying in his arms.

"You _can't _be that fucking beautiful," he mutters, among oncoming tears and spontaneous laugh.

"Look who's talking."

"Fuck off," he says, gently pushing me away. "I _mean _it. Not just your face."

"_Look who's bloody talking," _I insist.

He smiles beautifully.

"Alright- enough pansy ass stuff." All of the sudden, Curt's hand takes me by my nape- and he bucks his hips so I can _feel_ him. "_Fuck my brains out._"

I blink hard, blindsided. "_What?"_

"You heard me," he replies with a wicked grin on his face. "I'm not a goddamn chick- I want the real deal."

I had no idea how to react. "But, I thought you…"

"Oh, come on- stop being a pussy and fuck your boyfriend," he orders, taking me by my shirt and bringing me closer. I'm forced to shut my eyes to appreciate the heat of this body that I've been denying myself to feel.

"Are we really doing this?" I ask, hands already heading down. Quite hypocritical of me, isn't it?

"I don't know, take off your shirt," he replies, eagerly- undoing my belt while staring at me. The sound of the buckle is seriously riling me up.

As it is expected, I comply. Button by button.

"Not a fucking strip tease- take it _off_," Curt rushes me, tearing the fabric apart with his hand. He takes me by my hair, approaching me and licking my bottom lip and finally gets rid of my pants. "Shit- I missed you," he says, sliding down the fabric. All I can do is nod- meaning _me too._ His hand goes to my face and his fingers slide down my cheek. "Your face," he murmurs. "Is…insane."

"Did you just notice?" I joke, but he doesn't seem to be listening- he's too distracted staring at my lips. "Curt?"

"Mhm?" His voice is distant.

"Something wrong?" I ask, worried that he might me already regretting it.

He bites his bottom lip and shakes his head.

All my body tenses.

He _finally _raises his gaze, showing me the most powerful desire I've ever seen in those azure eyes. Actually...I don't think anybody has ever looked at me with that inexplicable gut-wrenching _want._

Suddenly the air has changed, the tension is floating all over the room.

"You know what I'm thinking now, Slade?" he mutters, provoking a shudder to climb up my spine. "Do you?" he repeats, yanking me and hissing in my ear. My eyes fly closed as I shake my head. "That even though picturing your wet lips is making me lose my fucking mind," I bite my lip. Jesus _Christ. _I'm seriously _this _close to yanking his body to the floor and getting on my knees. "_I can't wait for you to fuck me_," he finishes.

Instantly, I'm _thrilled. "You_ decide it," I mutter, referring the dreadful deal- fighting my quickened breath. Because, sure as hell _this __**is **_sex. _"_I can't keep on controlling myself." Not if you ask me to shag you, darling. What am I made of? Steel?

He tilts his head down the mattress, sighing exaggeratedly. "Fuck it."

Then kisses me, roughly- biting and bruising my lips, pressing his body more and more onto mine.

This continues until I go so indescribably insane that I've somehow turned Curt around and I'm rubbing my body against his. Gasping uncontrollably.

"_Oh, yeah_," he moans in approval. "That's the stuff."

Jesus…I've never seen Curt reacting as a bottom before…

He smiles widely while bringing a hand to my cheek, tilting his to face me. "Yeah, you got me- I'm a bit of a whore myself but _shh_…"

Oh, wow. Oh my _God._ I can't even…_Oh My God. _I can't think anymore, I just act- forcing him to lay down his head and the rest of his body.

He half laughs. "So I kind of flipped a switch there, huh?" the bastards teases me.

Alright…you ask me to shag you…then you tease me and now you _laugh._ How much do you want me to resist? I'm still a _man._

I abruptly turn him around. He looks at me for a minute, before grinning playfully. God, Wild- you'll have no strength left to bloody smile after this.

"Which switch?" I ask, taking both of his hands and pinning them to the mattress. Part of me is screaming 'Watch the bloody arm!' but the wrist isn't affected so we're fine for now. "Mine?" I continue, leaning my lips down his chest, not brushing his skin- staring at him. "Or yours…?" I grin widely. He attempts to release himself but I apply enough pressure to keep him in place. I shake my head, half smiling. "You thought I'd chicken out…didn't you?"

He doesn't respond, his lips are parted. "You thought…" I continue, releasing his left arm and leaning my hand in between his legs. "I had forgotten you enjoy a suitable fuck once in a while…isn't it?" His eyes drop half closed, while exhaling softly.

I lean inches away from his face, and reach out with my tongue to lick the corner of his lips. "But not without a _good, long, wet_ blowjob…am I right?" He bites his lips, his lids close completely. "After all…" I whisper. "You can't waste these full, juicy lips…can you?"

He shakes his head, entirely drawn. I'm enjoying it way too much… I'm even beginning to feel rather guilty.

My hand slides further up, now grazing his erection- he closes his eyes tightly and then opens them. His look is…beyond description.

"But I can't play bottom down there…now, can I? No… There's a…" I look down. "Magic combination for you…" I continue, already heading down. Holding eye contact the entire time.

I lean up once again, to whisper in his ear. Rapidly, directly- voice as low as I can manage: _"You want me to act like virgin and suck like a whore."_

"Fucking God," he moans. His voice is so struggled I'm seriously too aroused to continue. But the sight of him is simply priceless, I can't stop causing it…

"And fuck yes if I can manage to suck like a little virgin or act like a cheap slut for a few minutes. Am I right?"

"_Fucker_."

"Do you really think that's too much? Oh, darling…I still have a little trick up my sleeve…Something that you _can't _handle…something that the mere thought of it would make you come…"

The pace of his breath is unbelievable.

"Some little thing I call… _moaning-with-my-mouth-full._"

"_OhGhod_," he blurts out.

"Would you like that, honey?" I tease him, smiling innocently.

"God yeah," he responds, desperate.

"Ask me," I respond. I'm so thrilled at the moment, I just want to tease him. Every bloody reaction is making me _writhe_ inside.

He half gaps, half laughs. "No fucking way."

I clasp my hand on his erection and clenches his teeth, releasing a raw moan.

"_Ask me,"_ I repeat. "Say: '_Brian, I want you to suck my cock…'_"

He looks at me as though he were saying 'You're _so_ gonna pay for this.' Which is part of what is making me insane about this…how far can I go? How aroused and vicious and violent can I make him? Yes, I need help- but that's not his business.

"Bria-"

"'_Please._'"

"Oh, you're _so_ fucked up if you think I'll-"

I rapidly lean my head down, lips almost brushing the tip. He struggles on his elbows to watch, furiously aroused.

"Well…?" I say, staring at him.

"I'm not gonna-"

I _exhale_, warm breath touching his throbbing erection.

"_Fuck you_!" he gasps, squirming on the bed. "I won't fucking say it so come up with something else or suck it _up."_

"I'm about to, but…it's up to you…" I grin, reaching out with my tongue.

"Brian, for fuck's sake- just _do _it," he gasps.

"But then it wouldn't be fun, now would it?"

"It would for me," he replies, playfully. "Where did you got all this game from, anyway?" he asks, beginning to distrust me.

"Don't worry…" I whisper sweetly in his ear, so he knows it's me. "There's nothing but sincere and pure _lust_ driving me now…" And with that, I slide down to take that beautiful cock in between my lips. I look up to him.

_Say it._

"Brian…" he moans, getting off with the mere sight. "Please fucking suck my-"

_Beyond enough._

I dive in, mercilessly. Sliding his length in and out my mouth, making sure to pressure enough for him to drive bloody mental with the feel of my lips. Positioning my tongue so his cock would _slip _down every time. Moaning when it does, increasing the pace as Curt's gasps turn into unintelligible muffled curses. Shuddering violently every time his hips buck on his own to control the degree of pleasure. Flesh and mouth becoming more wet until we each are panting at how incredibly delicious it feels.

I'm way too excited. Sliding the flesh in my mouth and already going _too_ deep, and it's not even Curt's hand taking me there. He's too busy tightening his grip, instinctively leaning his hips forward.

It turns out, I'm moving too much, tilting my head side to side and changing the positions constantly to get to feel him better- and this seems to drive him particularly crazy to the point he takes my head with both hands and keeps it in place before _thrusting_ his cock into my mouth. Slowly, torturing himself- which is disturbingly erotic to _hear._

I open my eyes and look up to him, his face is complete ecstasy- he's biting his lip, eyes firmly shut, eyebrows exquisitely furrowed and his head is almost completely tilted backward. Occasionally he straightens it back to watch me, and the moment he does the sight seems to overwhelm him so he leans it back again- swearing loudly.

He keeps thrusting, pulling himself into my throat. And I can feel the tone of his moans is turning higher, and rapidly shorter. He's there...God I can feel it, I can _taste _it. I press my lips and he groans insanely. I can't help but lean my hand down and stroke my own erection, I'm _shaking._

"_Ahh...Fuck, Brian." Jesus_. I'm too close to the bloody edge. So I figuratively grit my teeth and back off. He's..._mad. _Not even cursing, just eyes screaming at me.

He reaches for my head and pulls me to _eat_ my mouth. _Desperately._

"_Fuck._ I need to fucking _feel _you." His nails scratching my skin as our erections bump insanely. "_Now_."

In a flash I've turned him around and I'm looking for the lube in the drawer of my nightstand. I can't bloody find it!

"_Hurry up,"_ he moans.

I can't take my chances, I can't risk to _hurt _him. Where the hell is it?!

"Wait," I manage to respond, still searching.

"_Briahn…"_

Jesus _Christ._

"Sure?"

"Yeah, whatever! Just _fuck me._"

I spit in my hand and rub on me and between his cheeks and place the tip, intending to do it slowly, but he yanks me down and I don't need any other word to know he's not in the mood for slowly.

I thrust, fully. Almost passing out at this luscious feeling that I had almost forgotten. Curt's moans are so different. God…they're much more raw. I lay over his body, thrusting patiently while holding on the headboard.

Moaning softly on his ear, biting the lobe to break through the incoming shivers. I reach out for his hand, to intertwine our fingers before I back off to thrust once again.

I lean my hands to his thighs- to stimulate them while increasing the pace of my hips.

"Is that nice?" I ask sultrily, now building up a decent rhythm.

"_Oh, yeah_- feels good," he replies breathily, gritting his teeth. Causing the shudders to multiply under my skin.

No need to mention it, I can't even open my eyes. The pleasure is already overwhelming. Feeling his body underneath mine, being able to hold onto his back and mess up his hair while making him gasp for air.

My left hand slides up and between his legs, to reach out for his cock and stroke him at the same pace I thrust. My free hand still rubs his legs, trying to blend the pleasure so he wouldn't know where it comes from.

God, I'm losing my mind…It feels so crushingly delicious that _hurts._

"Does this feel good- _ah…-_ enough?"

"_Shut up."_

"Is there anything-" I thrust deeper, biting my lip. "_Uhh…_Is there anything else you want me to- _oohh…_- do?

"Yeah just- _God!- _shut the fuck _uuuuhh…_!"

_Bloody Christ. _Hearing him it's unbearable! The words slip from my mouth, eagerly.

"Why? Do you like it?" I raise the motion's pace.

"_Fuck_ _yeah_."

"Do you like to- _ahh…_- hear me, honey?"

He nods, containing his voice.

So I moan loudly, right onto his ear.

And he doesn't respond anymore. He's completely quiet, biting his lip- eyes completely shut. Emitting only sharp gasps that burst out of his body. And I don't even have the words to describe it. The pleasure he's feeling is simply _killing_ him and I cannot stop myself from releasing sounds that I no longer exaggerate.

"_Uhh…Ahh…it makes you hard- right, sweetheart? Hearing me?"_

"_Yes. Fuck, yes. Don't you fucking stop."_

Jesus Christ, Curt. Do you really think I'm going to stop you from screaming like _that?_ I wouldn't even if I wanted to- I bloody _can't._

My body keeps moving for a while, but I don't control it anymore. I'm guided by an unknown force that drags me to continue until I cannot feel my legs. All I feel is a burning heat seizing my skin. Sweat making our bodies slide with each other, and the room echoing infinite expressions of unbearable delirium- blending with the bed squeaking.

I find myself squirming against him, non stopping the motion and curling my fingers into a fist against his back as I dive my face in his neck- crying out with no voice left, feeling how the orgasm travels up my body. Curt's mouth is pressed to the pillow my, swearing constantly- sputtering the neurons out of my brain.

My blood had already boiled and now my mind goes completely black as I'm _hit_ with an almost aching pleasure- I bite his skin to keep me from screaming obscenely loud.

One second after, I feel Curt's entire body arching against me while releasing a groan so _raw_ that it burns in my mind- and I'm fairly sure it will stay there for bloody years, keeping me from sleeping.

When I recover my conscience, I'm sweaty, shaking weakly, breathless.

"Whoa," Curt says with a sigh and a big smile on his face, still catching his breath.

"I know…" I carefully move out of him, to lay down. "How do you feel?"

He smiles at me, in a way that sooths my heart. "Great."

"Really?" I'm so pleased.

"Yes. I feel…" he chuckles, tilting his head backwards. "This is going to sound stupid."

I shake my head, mirroring his smile and holding on my elbow to watch at him. "Tell me."

He sits up. "Kind of…healed."

"Jesus…" I approach, and gently wrap my arms around him from behind. "That's…all I want for you. To heal," I whisper on his ear.

"So do I, babe…"

An small laugh burst out of him.

"What?" I say, smiling as well.

"Nothing, I just…never felt like this, ever. Not even with you, before."

"Me neither." And I didn't. My mind has shut off... It never happened before- not in my entire life. I'm not worried, I'm not paranoid or even wondering anything. I'm…complete. I've found my shaft.

"You know…" Curt mutters. "I thought I did before, but it's nothing compared to this…" He sighs, contentedly. "Fucking _nothing._"

I close my eyes, breathing. "I know…"

"What is this?" he asks, turning around to face me. Resting his forehead on mine. "Why do I feel like I never want to go back home?"

His eyes are staring at the bed, and quickly shift up to me. His look is so intense it's the first time it's actually difficult to hold it.

It's all so new. I used to feel…scared, constantly- focused on what to do or say to keep him with me. Focused on how beautiful he is- how his eyes are the bluest or how his golden hair matches his angelical face. But Jesus…none of that matters…

Who cares if they're blue, green, brown, purple? I don't see that anymore, every time I look up those eyes I see _him_. I see pain, need and pride trying to hide it. This is the first time I realize how vulnerable he is. And truth be told…I like him better than the always strong one. This one's real.

And I do see all those traces of violence and anger but now I see that's pure desperation. And all he needs is to feel out of harm's way. And God…I just want to be his haven…

"Hold me…" I whisper, shutting my eyes and waiting for the warmth to seize my skin. He wraps his arms around me, and hugs me tightly. I sigh, and then feel his body stiffening. I distance myself, it's enough to look at those eyes glowing - there's something in there that he's trying to tell me. There's…hope, and…fright, but…deep behind those… I don't quite-

"It's so different." I nod. "I can't let go your arm…I don't want to."

I shake my head. "Me neither."

He gulps softly. "Is it the moment?"

"Could be…"

"I don't think so."

"I think we both know…"

He looks at me, scared. "Yes."

"We've said it before…lots of times…" I remind him, caressing his cheek.

"I know." He chuckles. "We ruined it."

I grin. "We totally did."

"So let's just…not say it. Cause we know it and it's…not fair to use those words now."

"I know how we can say it…"

"How?" God…his smile just doesn't fade…

I lean to his ear. _"Like this." _

I capture his lips with mine and smooth them little by little, slowly…brushing them as gently as I can…caressing his face…wiping this new tear, breathing his scent in…trying to reach his spirit…

A breeze of plenitude floods my body.

_I… _

_So surely it scares me…_

_So intently I don't know how to handle it…_

_So deeply that I want to learn it with you… _

When we finally pull away- which was…almost impossible- he's laughing in between my lips. "_Jeez_…"

He cups my jaw and kisses me with such a tenderness that I didn't know he had… God…there's so much of this man I didn't know…

I can sense it…he's…whispering into my soul…

_I love you too._

He pulls away, looking…radiant. "What should we do now?"

"I have _no_ idea."

He looks at me, smiling warmly. "We'll figure it out…"

* * *

**Author's Note #2: **

* * *

**Well, yes. They broke the deal but come on, they held it more than two weeks- that's way to much for them! They feel a massive attraction for each other and Demon isn't getting in the way, for now...  
Anyway, it happened because of Curt . He needed comfort- compensation for what he had gone through. Needed to feel that he didn't lose his chance to enjoy because of his story. Needed to feel protected and in good hands. But well, he's still Curt so "making love" doesn't work for him xD At least not yet :) So that's why.**

**Don't forget to review! It keeps me going ^^**


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